Apparently Henry VIII likes pie....Interesting.
Of course he does! Between the ages of 2 and 4 I refused to answer to anything but "The King of England". I also sang the song "I'm Henry The Eighth, I Am" and used the phrase "The King of England doesn't eat/do/clean [var]." Apparently I was just as crazy as a kid as I am now, which is comforting to me for some reason. *shrugs*
I have constructed a Venn diagram detailing a possible source of compromise: Cheesecake.
In the center of the cake square there you will see the Ocean of Decency. This is where cakes are actually quite delicious. Cakes in this area are of a perfect moisture, and can have a variety of frostings and toppings without getting out of hand with either. If you get far enough toward the corners you get deliciousness as well (Moist - Sweet Cream; Toppings - Flying Solo; Frosting - Caramel, Cotton Candy, etc.; Dryness - Wafers).
Pie has no corners, and so cannot be rated on so simple a scale. If I were to include all 360 degrees of deliciousness the diagram would look too busy and confuse half of the audience. You can assume that the degrees overlapping most centrally the square of cake are toppings, with the very center section made of the fruits. The 7th Circle is the most dangerous area to a pie-lover's palate, containing some of the most busy and evil pies ever made. While few cooks venture here, less return alive.
So, yeah! How about it, cake and pie dudes and dudettes? Cheesecake! It has the name of a cake and the deliciousness of a pie! (Naw, I'm just ribbing you cakers.
But seriously. :|)
P.S. Has anyone else tried a pecan cheesecake? They are AMAZING!