I think you've betrayed my expectations because, from the first scene, I was expecting a prison colony story about struggle on the frontier and gladiator combat under the whims of the sadistic guards...which I hadn't seen in fantasy before, so I thought would be kind of cool. I'm thinking like the Star Trek VI/Kirk Prison Colony thing. Or Cool Hand Luke with swords and vibrating blue energy walls. But you go away from that, and I'm sensing a more traditional kingdom vs. kingdom vibe coming on, so I'm disappointed. I think if you'd have started out in the frontier and had him touch the scars left by his shackles, etc., that would have been better, because I wouldn't feel so let down.
From the first couple pages of this chapter, I'm thinking to myself "I'm going to like the Baltier-waif relationship vibe." I like her silent enigma status. From the other reader's comments, I'm guessing that my liking will not last long.
"Deciduous" is too modern a word, too scientific a classification. It pulls me out of the story.
A lot of really nice description here.
The knight's rules speech feels very cliche. I picture the Fight Club guy saying it.
If you ring the bell falsely...you'll be killed, and the next time you ring the bell...after you're dead...the knights will sit back and watch you die again...I see. It's Cool Hand Luke with ZOMBIES!
Soldiers letting exiled women roam free to be killed by various things without even raping them first? I'm curious, because that seems out of character given their whacking of Balt earlier.
I agree with Chaos--Balt's softening comes too quickly. It should be a gradual process throughout the book, and he should spend the whole time denying that he's going soft.
Why is Mariana refusing to give her name? That seems kind of stupid, unless she lost her tongue.
Why is he wasting a good battle axe on chopping timber? Who gives a battle axe to a frontiersman? Waste of a good axe that I'd think the Knights would want to keep for themselves.
Okay, here's where your book should begin. There's no point to the earlier chapters except to impart information that can come later. Flashforwards are universally horrible in my opinion. I loathe them and think they should only be utilized in two cases: prologue-chapter one or chapter last-epilogue. Or, you could use them if you have a really compelling reason. I don't see one, here. Either make the prisoner scene a prologue or cut it, or why have time pass at all? Why not show him struggle and learn to survive? Seems to me you don't need time to pass, except to age up Mariana, in which case you could just start with her aged-up/have kid. You could even, if you want, have a pre-existing relationship between them with a son when they arrive. Or she could have a son and Balt learns to be a father to a child not his through the book. Or you could just start with Balt chopping wood and thinking about the first time he saw Mariana and how the shackle scars on her wrists aren't very attractive...
Why aren't the colonists banding together? Seems like being all spread out like they are is asking for trouble. Communities = safety. Not to mention humans are social by nature, although maybe not Balt.
I'm really liking your clean writing style and the moments of humor. Very Zelazny. Go read him, if you haven't.
I'm okay with the not knowing the gender of the bones, but I agree that just stumbling on a cabin seems waaay too convenient.
"Retard" also strikes me as too modern. And too strong, besides. Unless you want me to hate Mariana for the rest of the book, which I will now, because I've worked with disabled kids and so I hate this reference... Between that and the callous washbasin request, Mar goes from being adorable tough-upped-lipped woman hiding her vulnerability behind her hard exterior to an uncaring shrew. If that's what you want, fine, but I'll be hoping she dies at the hands of the whatnots. My feminist sentiments also get peaked and I wonder if Mariana is going to symbolize a real life woman, and you're going to take advantage of your fantasy world to bitch about her. I'm not saying that I actually believe that, but this thought comes into my mind every time I see the first woman in the book being introduced as a shrew. I don't believe this in this case especially because Mariana was awesome in the beginning (go killer Waif!) and so I expect you to bring her back to awesomeness in whatever adventure they're about to have.
Whenever you say Took, I think Hobbits. Especially Old Took. If it's an intentional homage, it's too blatant for my tastes.
Okay, missed opportunity for tension by not describing Balt's trip to the cabin. I think that could be a good scene.
I feel like the chapter ending could be stronger. I don't feel much hook.
So, my guess of where the plot's going ends up completely different than Chaos', which I'm not sure is a good thing. While you want your reader to be surprised, you also need to give them some expectations of where things are going to go. A general map, while keeping the twists and turns a surprise. I believe that the plot will go thus:
1) Balt will give away his son to a stranger behind Mariana's protests, and then he'll realize it's a horrible idea when...
2) the stranger turns out to be one of the very enemies they're fighting, hounds and construct-wise. He's a slave-trader for them with a penchant for collecting little boy flesh
3) Balt makes an oath to get him back (thus becoming oathbound), Mar refuses to be left behind
4) The trader sells the boy to Jake, who is now one of the head honchos of evil on the other side.
5) Balt will have to decide whether to continue to fight for the country that turned its back on him or join with his son and his brother in the evil empire, having various adventures along the way
6) As he fights to protect his child and gains Asharia's favor, he and Mariana's love will blossom once more in the process,
7) until at last he rescues his son, kills Jake and comes home a hero
only to have the king of his home say, "even though you're a hero, you're still an exile! So hahahahah! And now we're going to brand your son, too, because you have tainted blood!"
9) Balt raises a popular rebellion based on the story of his heroism. He sets up a reign of exiles and...a sequel!
However, a plot like that wouldn't justify the prologue as you've described it, so I'm left scratching my head. Which frustrates me, because I feel like this is going to be a quest book of some sort, but we don't know what the quest is. I'll feel better when I know what it's about. I feel like every time I get a handle on what's going on, you pull the rug out from under me. Not in the good way of plot twists, but more in the, "I'm not sure the author knows where he's going" sort of way.
That said, I really like the writing style and find Balt interesting. I like his cynicism and think he makes a good anti-hero hero-type. I like all that. I like it enough that I would even keep reading past a flash-forward. BUT if there isn't an antagonist introduced real soon (I don't think shrewish wife counts) I'd probably stop reading. My critique reads more negatively than I feel, but I'm not sure how to say it better. You're awesome! I love reading it! I just want to make sure your plot works and lives up to your writing's potential.
I agree, Balt absolutely has to ride a Construct at some point.