Timewaster's Guide Archive
Local Authors => Reading Excuses => Topic started by: Silk on January 11, 2010, 07:30:58 AM
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Hi everyone,
People have been pestering me to submit something, so here it is. It's a flash fiction story, intended to stand alone. I, uh, don't know what else to tell you about it. Content shouldn't be a probelm. So have at 'er, I guess.
Thanks. =)
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Yay! A submission from the elusive Silk. The world is coming to an end!
Ahem. So anyway, I... er... well, hrm. Now how am I supposed to write a wall of text when I like something? I'm much better at pointing out all the things (I think are) wrong with something.
Aha! It's too short. :P
Okay, okay, I can do better than that.
The dead don’t speak, but the living do. Patience and a gentle voice will get these ones under control most of the time. It’s better when the ghosts aren’t forced.
This paragraph confuses me a bit. I don't quite understand which "these" the second sentence is talking about. Are you talking about the new ghosts that wander? Or are you referring to the living people speaking? Also, why mention that "the living do [speak]"? Is there some significance to stating this obvious point? I guess I just don't think this paragraph fits in with the flow of the rest of the story.
Other than that, I thought it was very interesting, although, obviously, I'd like to see a bit more story out of this. You leave us with this crying girl (okay, I suppose being dead at 3 might be a little jarring for the little one)... but don't resolve the conflict. You're setting us up for something... and then freeze the frame. Drats.
Long story short (hahaha)... I want more. :)
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The writing was strong on this one, potent and evocative. For some reason, it reminded me of Beetlejuice. It couldn't be that that's one of my all-time favorite movies or anything.
Beyond that, I have two issues with it. The first is simple: I think the beginning would be much stronger if you cut the first line. The second is that nothing happens. You spend the entire piece setting up a nice and poignant situation, introduce an element (the screaming girl) that will start the plot moving, then right as something is about to actually happen, the piece ends. Very unsatisfying.
Even short little flash pieces need a plot. They need a beginning, middle, and end. This piece stops just shy of the middle. You don't need to make it much longer to fix this, you just have to cut your setting of the scene way down. We're all familiar with ghost stories. You can build on that common understanding, only pointing out bits where your conception is unique. It's a delicate line to walk, but I think you can do it. :)
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I think I'm with ryos on this to some extent. I guess I just wish there were more.
I really enjoyed the descriptions, especially the line about the girl making herself the very center of the room. That was a very cool way to say it.
um...wow, I'm SUPER helpful. It was....good? I liked it, I just don't know what to critique.
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Haha. Thanks guys. =)
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Congratulations! You actually got me to read something!
I like the premise and several of the concepts you are aiming towards. However, this piece raises more questions than are answered. I guess like the others I'd like just a bit more -- maybe half a page.
What is the point of the ghosts signing a contract? Does it effect only their relatives, or to the non-corporeal as well? Why have the living never heard this noise before? Are there no other child ghosts? Ever?!?
It might help if you develop one of the adult ghosts with a bit more description, especially with what is being said to him/her that would give some relevance or value to what the overseers are doing. And then why is that particular ghost distracted by the wailing child? Is there, and forgive my word choice, a tangible effect to the child's screams?
Oh, and if you ever want to film this, let me know. I'm pretty sure I can figure out how to do it nicely. That is assuming some script revisions and a tidy budget...
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I accept your congratulations. :P
Also: OMG COOL IDEA AHHHH LETS DO IT
*cough*
I should probably do some revisions to it first though. :)
Seriously, thanks Karl (and everyone). You guys are spot on as always.
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First, a warning: I am not a fan of flash fiction, mostly because it leaves me dissatisfied, and also because it is almost always sad, at least all the pieces I've read are. Here, we have a situation with no possibility of there ever being a happy ending, a child left screaming for eternity. Depressing much? Yes. Especially since there doesn't appear to be any reason for the screaming, or for telling us that that child is there, screaming. And now I have that creepy tingly feeling that I thoroughly dislike. To sum it up, what is this about other than making your reader feel depressed and creeped out? I'm hoping that wasn't the only reason.
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No, it wasn't. I was trying to work on getting the story across (and there is a plot) without spelling all of it out explicitly. Obviously that part needs some work. :)
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Well this bit was so short that I don't really have any line edits for you that I won't say here. But I do have some amazing and insightful comments for you though which are basically this: I don't get it. :-[
It just didn't seem like a story to me. You have the setting, but you never tell us *why* they are all gathering here in the first place or what the contracts are for so it doesn't make a lot of since. And then you have this screaming girl, but you never tell us why she is screaming either since it seems to be so unusual and you just leave it unresolved so I don't feel like anything happened here or that there is anything I can take away from it. I did like your pose though... but one thing I wondered was who your narrator was. It seemed all very familiar, like it should be in first person, so I kept thinking that an actual narrator would appear, but they never did. But then that is probably just a style thing.
Yeah sorry. You seem to like writing in the abstract (with this and another short piece of yours that I think I remember) and I am a very concrete thinker so this is probably just a case of you being smarter and more insightful than me, so take this with that in mind. The right audience would probably love it as is.
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Thanks.