Timewaster's Guide Archive

The biggest and most blaring issues is the use of the word "had."  As Asmodemon mentioned, it creates a passive voice.  To put it simply . . . you used "had" Way way way way way way way way way way way way way way way way  too much.

Another big issue, for me, is the use of modern voice.  Normally there would be nothing wrong with that, it's a fantasy or whatever, after all.  But in the piece, it seems tossed in and mixed with more "period" ways of speaking.  Such as "this would bring in way too much money."  the change in voice from period (or whatever) to modern was like rubbing my skin with a cheese grater.  It hurt that much.

The line "worth opponent" . . .makes me wanna kill myself.

And finally the chapter breaks.  They seemed . . . oddly placed.  A break like that implies, or is meant to, either a big change of scene or a PoV change.  Usually they are used to elapse time.  In All cases in this piece, there did not seem to be any of that.  More like . . . you felt like  you had to have a break, because that's what chapters have.  I, obviously, don't know what you were thinking when you wrote it but that was impression I got.

Those are really good ideas.  I'll have to mull over them and see how I can use it. Thank you so much.

Thanks so much for reading ya'll.  You're the best.

@akoebel:  Thanks for the info about the pacing.  I'll have to see what I can do next draft.  I'm glad you liked the "voice."  My most abundant hopes were that you laughed.  A lot.

@Manny:  Thank you for your comments.  They have been most helpful.  I hope the voice made you laugh.

@hubay:  Thanks for your comments.  About the word Huuk.

Huuk is a very clunky word; no denying it.  I chose the word huuk because it had two Us and there wasn't another word in English for:  The period of time including waking up, going to work, and going to sleep.  As each full day and night transition equates to 10 days in our time (5 in light, 5 in dark) I had to come up with something to describe the normal period of time we call "day."  I like your idea of thirdday, part day and all that.  But that it uses "day" as part of it's make up.  I think using the word day in any part of it would be very confusing or more confusing, in the measuring of time.  I realize you were just suggest something (a very good suggestions, again) to note the idea.  It just doesn't quite convey the meaning I want.  If you come up with anything else though, I'd be SUPER happy.  Anything to get rid of that clunky word.

Chapter 10 - Jin is rescued by his friend Chalinae.

Chapter 11 - There are consequences.

Chapter 12 - Jin gets in deeper.

I should have one done this week.  And I think it will be hilarious.

Thank you so much for the feed back.  As to he concerns with this being YA . . . well if you consider works like "Ender's Game," "The Painted Man," or "The Name of the Wind," to be YA then I suppose this story falls into that category as well.  But I, personally, have never considered them to be YA.  But then . . . if they really do fall into that category . . . I should really start moving toward that demographic then.  Thanks for the heads up, and the critiques.  Very helpful stuff.

Chapter 10 - Jin is rescued at the Bazaar by Chalinae.

Chapter 11 - Jin suffers the consequences.

The wording gets better when you stop introducing things and start getting to the story.  Or to combine it with other things I said, the prose before all seemed taken from other sources.  And, as you mentioned, English is not your first language and having met many non-native English speakers in my day, I can tell you that it makes perfect sense.  You get the words, the phrases, the thoughts from movies, books, television.  Not intentionally mind you, but to you it might (and I'm really just guessing here) seem appropriate or clever.  You have to remember that if you write the book in English it will likely find its way to  . . .English . . . readers.  And we've heard all that a million times.  My suggestion is, when rewriting, that you take some time and try to come up with two or three different ways to say what it is you're trying to say.  It's a good way to practice.  I found it helpful at least.  Because you see, when you actually have to communicate action and acts, things get better.  Much much better.

As to the Animal thing, I would suggest mentioning them as Men right away.  But something clever like:  "The animals were chasing her.  They walked up-right like real people.  They combed their hair and even wore clothes.  But they were animals.  A dog will always be a dog, no matter what it's wearing."

I'm sure you can come up with better.  But you get the idea.