3-30-09 Watashi no Aijin Part One

[maxonennis]

All critiques here. Thanks!

[Frog]

Thoughts while Reading:
The discription of his reflection fells awkwardly place; like a blatant info dump.

"Kanrishoku still had those piercing gold eyes then."
Was there a time when she didn't 

"Cutting me of, Kanrishoku said."
This should be deleted. The dialogue should show it on its own.

I love the character interaction and that you are so clearly showing the danger of familiar attachment in your world.

I would think that at the end of this encounter you would be able to show how dramatic it is for your MC if you slowed it down and used some repetitive phrasing. Make it feel like time has stopped as he realizes the life he once knew is over.

"That was the end of the meeting, for me at least."
This shift seems a bit abrupt as is. Maybe try just deleting that phrase?

I stood, bowed to sensei’s turned back, and walked away.
My clothes whipped around me furiously."
If this is a complete scene break, is there a way you could make it more obvious? Might also want to catch us up on his activities to get to this point.

The part where he is dividing his things seems overly long.

The part where he was dug out of the snow was done very well.

I don't know if that is what your intending, but besides your narrator, your characters seem a bit dry. Like he's talking to robots or something.

Overall impression:
I just noticed I was assigning genders again... Oops.... Anyway, these scenes were good and and I liked the narrator, but it felt a bit rushed up at first and the world seems empty and glazed over somehow. I guess I am just not getting a very good feel for the world/setting (other than it seems to snow quite a bit  )  and the other characters besides the narrator. I think some of that may be intentional and not really a problem per say, but I thought I'd mention it.
I'd also would of like to see what some of the process of planing that trip was since it all ended so badly. Wouldn't they have worried about weather conditions and the width of the path and things before sending them out? Where exactly were they going? Is it a place that our MC had been before?
Two weeks is a long time to be unconscious and to be without food. If he was ready so inflicted, he seems very chipper afterward... but then he is some kind of alien creature so I guess I could suspend my unbelief on that point. One last point is that while him worrying about the pot does help characterize him as childlike, I would expect some other thoughts of the home he was forced to leave behind to enter into the picture as well; maybe bring in some setting and world building that way...
Ag! Calling it a him again. Sorry. I'll just stop now then...

Great Job!!!

[maxonennis]

I stood, bowed to sensei’s turned back, and walked away.
My clothes whipped around me furiously."
If this is a complete scene break, is there a way you could make it more obvious? Might also want to catch us up on his activities to get to this point.

There was supposed to be an extra break between the scenes. I changed the format just before sending it out and it might have taken the break out.

And I'm a little surprised that you think of the MC as a male, and the sensei has a female.

[Frog]

And I'm a little surprised that you think of the MC as a male, and the sensei has a female.

Hey, if you're not going to give me a gender, I am just going to take my first initial thought and run with it. But it wasn't like there was anything in there that would make me confident it was one gender or another. It just kind of worked out that way. 

[Reaves]

watashi no aijin...= my lover? What is the genre of this work again

[maxonennis]

As I told o'Froggy, it's a literary, fantasy, romance thing. 

[Reaves]

As I told o'Froggy, it's a literary, fantasy, romance thing. 

gotcha. Thanks.

[RavenstarRHJF]

Thanks for sending me your submission!

Overall- I'm not getting a very clear idea of the setting.  The closest I can come is Shangri-La, maybe?  That would explain the presence of large amounts of snow, sharp rocks, and narrow passes on the outside, but apparent warmth inside. 

The MC is a vague character.  You don't tell us anything about him at all, which is confusing.  The other characters introduced are clearly animalistic in form and perhaps, nature, but- just because you don't say anything about him/her- I'm picturing the MC as a human child, and thinking that maybe he doesn't fit in where-ever-it-is because of that difference.

There are several spelling and grammar errors that made me do a double take to figure out what you were trying to say.  Not too much- the story was definitely readable- but it broke the flow of the narrative.  Maybe have someone proof read before submitting...

... I could even see my dark tongue dart out of my mouth to lick my lips eagerly.

Given the previous sentences, I don't think this is the word you want.  Eagerly implies happy anticipation, and I think you were trying for dread here instead.

I'm increasingly puzzled as to why they didn't equip the travelers better- at least the guide, since it is meant to return.  No shoes?  No proper garments against the cold?  It doesn't seem like they meant for him to get very far... which would make banishment more a death sentence than an exile.   
Also, I think a small cart- small enough to be pulled by a child and an it- would be consumed long before the MC woke up if he really was out for two weeks.

Ok, all those criticisms out of the way, I'm free to tell you how much I enjoyed reading it!  You pulled us in right from the beginning, and I especially enjoyed the way you portrayed waking up in a snowdrift and all that entails.  I haven't read many stories where characters got caught in landslides (or were otherwise buried in snow), so this was new for me.  (I can't help but wonder, though... If he knew about being buried in snow, and air pockets, and all that, how is it he didn't know to provide himself with better clothing and some shoes?!... ok, sorry, rant over)

Looking forward to the next installment!

[ryos]

First the good: I liked some of the imagery, and all the odd creatures you've put in your world.

Ok. So, I was rather confused by the opening scene. I had to double check that I was really reading part one, because it felt like I was coming in in the middle of the story. I've heard the advice "in late, out early," but you can take it too far if you're not really careful.

For example, we are unable to infer much about the place where the main character was raised, what its purpose / duties / life was like there, or what it did that was so horrible it had to be banished. Details, details, details! These things would help establish its character and let us better sympathize with its plight.

I, like Ravenstar, thought it odd how very ill-prepared the expedition was. Why on earth were they even trying to pull a cart through that pass? What sort of "guide" wouldn't know that it wouldn't fit through the narrows? Especially when it seems to be his cart. It doesn't seem realistic that they wouldn't just be using packs from the start.

You don't really need to split the two up for them to get snowed in. I know you wanted the MC to get rescued by Futsu, but there are other ways to arrange for that.

MC. That's another thing - what's its name? Is it "Narazumono kun", or is that an honorific/title/position?

The sprinklings of what I assume are Japanese didn't really work for me. Is this set in a fantasy Japan? I didn't really get that from the setting, just the language. It made me wonder if I might be reading an anime. If that's the case, you may want to give short shrift to my comments - I hate anime. (Except Spirited Away. That's the exception.)

Lastly, the language in this draft was fairly rough. I assume I don't need to go into too much detail as you will surely smooth it out in a rewrite - right?

[maxonennis]

You guys seem to be under the impression that I have a plot. 

[ryos]

A plot...TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD?! I mean, who doesn't have one of those, amirite?

[maxonennis]

Plot? I don't need no stinkn' plot! 

Hoary for movie references!

[RavenstarRHJF]

What?!  You mean, you're just writing?!!!  NOOOOOOOO.... oh, wait.  That's almost the same as what I'm doing.  Nevermind!

Oh, and Ryos, it's more of a "show them, SHOW THEM ALL!" kind of plot that the rest of us have.  Very few people actually want to take over the world.

[ryos]

Heh. Just because I can't start writing a story without planning out the beginning, middle, and end, I assume that's the way everyone works.

[sortitus]

Good things first again:

Pacing was great for the most part.
Descriptions were short and sweet. (possibly to a fault)
Dialogue was natural and flowed well.

Bad things:

Second word was a misspelling (lopped vs loped). I wouldn't normally comment on it, but it just jumped out at me and made me more aware of later spelling and punctuation errors.

If you're in a Japanese society, you may want to give more exotic objects Japanese names. Eg. I'm assuming that there's a special word for the type of altar that you mention on the first page. If there is, use that word and it will give you a good reason to give us more information about it. It's a little trick my 7th grade English teacher taught me for fantasy and it has helped me several times. (Note that this paragraph is disobeying Writing Excuses' rule for writing groups #1; don't give suggestions.)

Referring to the named characters as "it" was uncomfortable for me. Actually, I really really hated it. This would be a deal breaker for me on any piece of fiction I picked up. I can't see any sense in making those characters completely genderless. My apologies if it is a significant plot point. I'd prefer to hear the singular "they" or another gender-neutral pronoun. To me, "it" is reserved for inanimate objects or things of unknown gender. Asexual creatures would be in a different category (again, to me). I've read some sci-fi that used the gender-neutral "they" and/or "one" and wasn't nearly so bothered by it. In French, whether you are referring to a worm (which is bisexual but is grammatically a male) or the ocean (obviously asexual, grammatically female), everything is either male or female. In English, standard practice has historically been to call a person that is of indefinite gender a male. Sorry to rant.

I found myself not caring very much about the main character. I cared slightly more about Futsu than the MC.

Going against what I said earlier about Japanese terms, I agree with ryos in that using Japanese honorifics reminds me too much of anime/manga. (Maybe try another language that hasn't been used so much (then again that kinda defeats the purpose of using a somewhat familiar language for people who know a little Japanese) like Chinese. That does present the difficulty (or bonus) of using the translation of "sensei", which is "sifu" and means father literally.)

Unfortunately, you have not sold me on the story with this chapter. I really don't know anything about this world, except that the place the MC is leaving is semi-Japanese and peopled with asexual or bisexual beastmen or demons. I don't know anything about any of the characters, except that the MC is somewhat sentimental, Futsu is resourceful and seemed quite unflappable, and Kanrishoku is generally cold and has the appearance of having at least limited magical powers. AFAIK I still don't know a thing about the plot.

Just so you know, I'm often considered pretty brutal by my real life friends when it comes to critiques. Please do not be offended by my offensiveness.