Erik, it sounds completely generic and unappealing, and not the kind of book Moshe likes. I'm not saying he WON'T like your book, but not from this description.
Thanks for the candor Peter, I'd come to the same conclusion myself and have been trying to make it sound better. Unfortunately, I've always sucked as a salesman!
I've really been wondering if I should even ask him in an email, but this week I'd been trying to help him with that MS Word problem he was having and he seemed to really appreciate my help so I thought if I was ever going to approach him, now might be a good time.
Part of me thinks its not the way to approach him, but the other part of me is saying don't let the opportunity pass. My chances of ever meeting him in person are pretty slim.
I'd changed it to:
Kail and Ellie are two high school kids that are given a magic sword by a murdered friend and use it to travel to other worlds where many of our legends about faeries, gods and other mythological figures come from. They are soon separated, Ellie getting involved with the plots of a dark faerie goddess, while Kail meets and falls in love with a beautiful troll.
Before they can be reunited Kail is forced to make a choice: save the troll he loves. Or go up against the dark god who's taken Ellie and his magic sword . . . and save the world.
It's a fast paced story with a lot of action, comedy and a dose of romance, which I think will fit into the YA market.
But I don't know if the above is much better. I want to keep it brief, so I guess I was trying to go for informative rather than impressive. I've never read what other people have used for their elevator pitches, so it feels hard to come up with a good one.