Timewaster's Guide Archive

Not much to say about this chapter overall. I liked it as I did the others.

Here are my comments:
* I didn't get why Jhuz went to question the prisoner. He's coming back from a long tiring journey, he should go straight to his tent and get some rest. Instead, he goes to the prisoner because he has nothing better to do??
* Jhuz refers to the prisoner by her first name. I don't think a soldier would think about a captured enemy in that manner.
* "Jhuz knew from experience that he now had that special sort of headache that comes from getting a hangover while still awake" : unless he refers to things he really experienced with his own familiar, this is a POV error.
* Are Pentus the equivalent of Tribuni angusticlavii ?
* I don't buy that the command of a whole legion could pass to Auxiliae : there are still command officers in the legion (primus pilus for instance)
* "Definitely Chell … " : the chatter comes a little too quickly for my taste (might be just me). Seeing this should throw everyone into utter silence for at least a few minutes.

Just one more thing before I close this : up until now, this book has been very plot-driven. I'd like to have the characters drive the story a little more instead of reacting to events.

Thanks for the comments.

@Manny : Your annotations were very helpful, thank you. I'd like to share one of them here, since I think it's important.

You put this mental conversation in regular quotations. I would suggest italicizing the whole conversation and leaving the descriptions un-italicized. Like Eragon/Saphira in the Inheritance Cycle.)

This was a voluntary choice on my part for a few reasons (spoilers here):
1 - The conversation feels very real to the character. It may not been conveyed with sounds, but this is not Ciera talking to herself.
2 - This is a conversation between 2 viewpoint characters and those will have regular verbal conversations later on.

So, as I was introducing Onmk, I wanted him to feel real from the start, and I put his dialog as regular dialog. If anyone thinks this is not the right choice, I'm ready to hear your ideas on why.

@hubay : Yes, there are overarching currents in this world, but they have little impact on Ciera's story (though they were fundamental in forming her psychological mindset). You'll get to see more when I introduce another character who is heavily involved in those matters, but it is still Ciera's story, and those societal issues won't be resolved in this book (much to the dismay of some of my alpha readers who wanted more political intrigue).

@Fireflyz : Good point about this chapter not advancing the plot (though as Hubay said, you can see where I'm going). I mostly wanted to establish character here and maybe show a little more on the setting. I agree that it is a little slow-going and that maybe I'll have to re-think about having this chapter here at all. Thank you.

Hi,

Thank you so much for reading and critiquing this chapter.
If you missed on the prologue, I can re-send it to you if you want.

I enjoyed the character, although,

It's nice to know, since she's not typically the type who attracts sympathy.
The last rewrite was almost entirely geared towards showing her as a very capable person the reader can relate to.

Due to the lack of description, I found my self lost in what was going on, particularly toward the beginning.

I'll definitely have to try to add more description, even if I don't enjoy them that much as a reader :-)
The setting is not really steampunk : this is straight fantasy in a world where industrialization begins (sort of like Mistborn).

why there are no men except for in your main character's head.

In fact, there are men around, though you do not see them in this scene (there were men on the prologue).
I'm thinking of putting groups of workers for the bus to pass around and show that men are there, but that none would
ever step into a bus.

I did find a LOT of redundancies and if you want I can email you an version with notes on these redundancies.

I suppose you're talking about word redundancies here rather than me saying the same thing twice?
I guess you're right.
If it's no bother, I'd like to have your annotated version : this should help me A LOT

Once again, thank you for critiquing, the remarks were quite useful.

I liked the piece a lot, it feels different from what I usually read.

Leading with a "monster-type" character is an interesting choice (certainly a bold one) : we'll have to see down the road where that leads us, but for now, it felt quite different.
I don't know if it was a deliberate choice or not, but I only picked up the SF part near the end of chapter 1. For a good part of the chapter, I went between "fantasy-style" and "unknown-style". I was happy about that, but I worry that regular readers would rather know right away which side they're on.
The writing of the first chapter was nice, but I found the words "High Lord" and "Darkclaw" too present. At first, I didn't see it, but the sheer number of those bothered me at some point, and every time I read one of these, I cringed.

The part about the "High Lord" weakening felt a tad too obvious for me : the character noticing something and explicitly dismissing it did raise a red flag for me. Maybe you could just skip the part about dismissing the observation. I think that often, readers register what we write and there is really no need to say much for them to understand. They might not know it at the time, but down the line, they'll remember.

The naming of "Darkclaw" did bother me at first, because it was obviously a new name taken from his new body. If he didn't know how his body was shaped, how did he call himself Darkclaw? In the end, I understood that the High Lord did name him, though Darkclaw didn't understand why at the time, so my interrogations are answered, but I wish I had been given the explanation earlier, it would have saved me much grumbling.

I found chapter 2 interesting, even if it was more conventional, and yes, I think you needed to cut off from Darkclaw a little, to show us people we're more supposed to attach ourselves with.
The relationship between the two is well portrayed, so I wasn't bothered to find they were in a relationship at the end of the chapter.

I cringed when I saw the mirror come in : I told myself "that's it, the obligatory mirror description comes in". I was kind of relieved when you didn't use it fully. I see here the writer wanting to describe his character, but stopping in the middle because the device used is so bad he can't go on writing it anymore.
If you really want to describe the species, have her describe Felivas early, and only throw in hints about her own features (a strand of hair here and there).
I would also be mindful of "dialog info-dump", because at times, I felt like things were being said only for the reader's benefit.

Hi,

Aside from the two first paragraphs, the piece was nice to read. As I finished it, I somewhat understood why the second paragraph was here, but this explanation didn't satisfy me.

I think you need to start right away with the character, so I would loose the first paragraph without regret. The second one that you want to keep as a resonance with the one in the end, I would put as an epigram. This way, you still start the real text with the character, you emphasize the part about superior opponents, and you still provide resonance.

I liked the bit about "force fields" :-)

Hi,

This is the first chapter from my first novel, The Fifth Compendium.

Last time on "The Fifth Compendium" : Destra, Mother of the fifth heart throws herself into the river to prevent men chasing her from taking away the book she's carrying.

Chapter 1 : Ciera, a librarian wants to get to work, but events conspire against her.

All comments will be appreciated.

Hi,

Damn, this was frustrating not getting an ending when I was really liking the story.

The idea of the baby killing Bertram might be nice on paper, but let's face it, Bertram is only a mean boy. I know that you've built him up so that we don't like him, but killing him off seems a bit extreme (unless he's a teenage-Voldemort :-) )

My idea here would be something like "the baby goblin chooses his witch". You've stated that goblins are witches babies. I'll take that in a slightly broader sense and say that witches do raise goblins. A newborn goblin is born alone in the wood, until a soon-to-become-witch comes along and picks him up. After that, she raises the goblin and becomes a full fledged witch.

Anyway, nice work on the beginning.