Heh. Erasmus was supposed to be a made-up name. I didn't realize he was real until a little bit ago...
Google before you write, I suppose.
Since you already gave me the title of another book, I didn't see a problem with it. That, and I didn't recognize the philosopher's name, which probably helped.
I'm going to take a more dissenting point of view in this critique than the others. I did have some problems with the piece, mostly with the matter of character.
But
whoa, your prose is amazing. Unequivocally, your use of figurative language is phenomenal. I'm jealous! If the rest of the book reads stylistically like this chapter, I will be immensely pleased--and jealous. Words can't describe how awesome the language is. Perhaps you could create an apt metaphor describing it? Even if your "tone" changes to something a bit lighter (or even a lot lighter), I won't care, as long as the prose feels as figurative as this. I don't want to say it's flowery, but... "visual"? Lush! Yes, lush is the right word. The level of figurative languages would take me an extremely long time to come close to, so I have to wonder how long you spent crafting it. Time well spent, in my opinion.
One slight thing about the similes/metaphors: I noticed you used "grease" to describe multiple things. I think I counted four separate occasions. The first two times I didn't realize, but once the third and fourth time rolled along, I worried you were recycling the same adjectives. Not a huge deal, but just something for you to watch out for.
So in review, your writing is best when it is dealing with concrete details and action. Once we get away from those areas (which were thankfully frequent) that I had some difficulty believing. Specifically, character.
But first, the flashbacks. You definitely had flashbacks. The first one was jarring, because I wasn't used to your style enough (I'm not used to this kind of flowing language at all, honestly), and by the second or third, I wasn't surprised from the flashbacks, but I didn't think they added anything to the scene at hand. You move from the scene at hand into a page-long of equally excellent prose--multiple times--but it feels... ancillary. You're telling us what had happened, when it felt not relevant. Does it matter that we know so specifically how his brother died?
The character didn't seem directly motivated from that bit of information. That flashback felt like "well, maybe I should show them how it happened!" only all it added was more concepts we didn't fully understand (and didn't matter in the context of the scene). Instead of fleshing the story out, it was an info-dumpy flashback. Now, if you have a really good reason for doing it, of course, it's acceptable. But to me, it seemed like a telly moment for the sake of telling, rather doing multiple things at once, like enriching character.
This isn't a book killer, but this really raises a red flag in my opinion: Cien doesn't have depth. That doesn't mean his actions didn't make sense. On the contrary, the one conflict we had (the interpersonal conflict between him and his family, specifically his family) was
engrossing! The Mad King was a fantastic character, mostly because he had an interesting hook. You didn't know what he was going to say, and that was scary. On top of the scary scene you already cast, I could argue you could make this scene into full-on horror if you wanted to. Would not be hard at all, and would be awesome. Maybe you should be a horror writer?
Cien, however, lacked a sense of self. I understand his conflicts (At max, two, one with the family, the second with struggling with his sister's death, though they go so hand-in-hand I'm tempted to call them the same thing), but these are events. He doesn't have motivations unique to him, which make him special. He feels a little like a generic fantasy prince, trying to live up to his father's expectations. It's cool, but by itself, you can't carry the book. He's not deep enough to carry a novel.
Here my stream-of-consciousness notes:
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Whoa. Your use of figurative language is powerful. Excellent, excellent job. Though, the story felt a little jarring at the beginning. Not the prose itself, per se, but the infodump of the Lomari on page three seemed out of character for Cien, a Lomari, to think. It pulled me out of the story, because I automatically assumed Cien was just a human. I'm a little conflicted here. On one hand, it actually worked well, but on the other hand, I didn't
know Cien was something stranger, so when it was officially revealed, I had to pause and read back. Probably not the best thing on the third page.
A fifteen year old is consoling Cien? I guess this completely depends on how old Cien is, but I'm not at all certain of his age, or even if it is a concern to Lomari.
Your figurative language is amazing. It makes me feel like there is a real narrator painting a picture for me. It's amazing.
I'm not sure the information about how the other princes died is necessary for the scene. You could sum it up as "Cien was the heir now." The flashbacky thing doesn't seem pertinent to the drama of the scene itself. I know what just happened was horrible, but I don't need to know how it happened I want Cien solving the immediate conflict right now, or at least, I want a picture painted of the present. The images like "The swordmaster would never be seeing anything ever again" are fantastic, pithy lines which help in this regard.
You use the word "grease" a lot. I'd let up on it. It's a powerful sensation, but I think I've seen it three times so far. Make that four.
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I hit on a lot of these already, but I think I said it differently enough there to justify making you slog through it
The Lomari were interesting, and I wanted to see more conflict between them and the humans, because unless you establish something weird about the characters immediately, I will inherently assume they are human. This is probably the most interesting aspect of world thus far. They are race who are racist against humans, and I want to know why. And, for that matter, how the Falcon Emperor could use these Shards to defeat them.
On a more subtle note, I read your prologue-scripture thing you posted here before reading the chapter, and in conjunction with the Mad King, the line “If even the Gods are mad, what chance do mere mortals have?” carries a lot more weight. I wonder Cien will turn mad just the same? Maybe I'm reading too much into it.
The text is really female. But that's to be expected considering the author, hehe.
This female authorship is quite apparent, however, in much of the behaviors of the male characters. They are very much pictures of men, as taken by women. A perfect example of this is Cien charging a big monster waving a rapier around.
I didn't overtly notice the text being female, but Cien did not seem developed as much as he should be for a viewpoint character.
Now, Jenn, I liked the piece. Well, I liked the
prose. You've yet to sell me on the important elements of character, plot, and setting. After how amazing the prose was, I expect an equal awesomeness in everything else! (Which might be a word of caution to new writers: "Don't write too well!" Haha)
