June 1 -Blade of the Fallen Chapter 6/7 - Chris Swain

[swaindaddy]

Please ignore the erronous chapter numbers. the story portion is in the correct spot even though the numbers don't match.

[ErikHolmes]

Have you sent it out yet today? If so, I never got it.

[RavenstarRHJF]

One question before I begin- is there an additional part to the party we haven't been given yet?  It's an awkward break between him getting up to dance with Karrys and the opening in the Duke's Chambers.

First off- this felt like the most consistent section to date, and consequently, the most enjoyable.  We finally know enough about the system of nobility that all those little questions I had before either have answers, or aren't as pressing.

The comaraderie between Jora and Joeg seems a little forced, but probably because their characters haven't solidified yet.  I like Garrik's thought processes in these chapters- they are much more consistent (!).  There are a lot of places which could technically qualify as info dumps, but I didn't mind them- a little work on dialogue and they'll flow even smoother than now, plus, there's lots of good information there that helps me understand your world and the characters.  And honestly, I can't see how you could have done them any better at the moment, but then, I'm very new to this whole "writing" scene myself so- take it with a grain of salt.

I will say- the section with Joeg talking about freedom is a bit preachy for this early in the story.  It makes sense, but it's like a hammer instead of a suggestion.  I would suggest saving it for later when we know the characters a bit better, or else lighten up on the rhetoric.

[swaindaddy]

One question before I begin- is there an additional part to the party we haven't been given yet?  It's an awkward break between him getting up to dance with Karrys and the opening in the Duke's Chambers.

First off- this felt like the most consistent section to date, and consequently, the most enjoyable.  We finally know enough about the system of nobility that all those little questions I had before either have answers, or aren't as pressing.

The comaraderie between Jora and Joeg seems a little forced, but probably because their characters haven't solidified yet.  I like Garrik's thought processes in these chapters- they are much more consistent (!).  There are a lot of places which could technically qualify as info dumps, but I didn't mind them- a little work on dialogue and they'll flow even smoother than now, plus, there's lots of good information there that helps me understand your world and the characters.  And honestly, I can't see how you could have done them any better at the moment, but then, I'm very new to this whole "writing" scene myself so- take it with a grain of salt.

I will say- the section with Joeg talking about freedom is a bit preachy for this early in the story.  It makes sense, but it's like a hammer instead of a suggestion.  I would suggest saving it for later when we know the characters a bit better, or else lighten up on the rhetoric.

There is the scream at the end of the last chapter that leads to the Duke's chamber.

I agree about the info dumps but I kind of did it as a result of first draft - knowing where I want to communicate that stuff. I will definately check out the freedom deal and stretch it out over the chapters versus one sitting - thanks for the input and taking the time to read it!

[Hamster]

This was definitely better than you last chapter I think, I think that you write action sequences quite well, and I really love scenes with assassins, so I'm a little biased.

This has been one of my favourite stories on Writing Excuses since your second chapter, and I'm happy to say that it still is with this one!

So I really enjoyed the Gloaming Hand assassin scene, and it was particularily excellent with the realization that it was the Drakkin, I really want to know more about their race, especially if they had hundreds of years running an empire. 

I also liked the characterization of Garrik, as he's finally accepting his role as king and wondering how he's going to do as one. Great potential there.

There is only one thing that I hated(maybe hate is too strong a wod) in you work was the introduction of "The Charade". It seems like a blatant copy of "the Game of Houses" from Wheel of Time, even the description matches the one in WoT, but a poor man's version of it. (please don't take offense to this). So please prove me wrong and use the Charade in interesting and unique ways in further chapters, but for now, I'm very skeptical of how it's going to turn out.

That said, everything else I loved, thanks for submitting it!

[swaindaddy]

This was definitely better than you last chapter I think, I think that you write action sequences quite well, and I really love scenes with assassins, so I'm a little biased.

This has been one of my favourite stories on Writing Excuses since your second chapter, and I'm happy to say that it still is with this one!

So I really enjoyed the Gloaming Hand assassin scene, and it was particularily excellent with the realization that it was the Drakkin, I really want to know more about their race, especially if they had hundreds of years running an empire. 

I also liked the characterization of Garrik, as he's finally accepting his role as king and wondering how he's going to do as one. Great potential there.

There is only one thing that I hated(maybe hate is too strong a wod) in you work was the introduction of "The Charade". It seems like a blatant copy of "the Game of Houses" from Wheel of Time, even the description matches the one in WoT, but a poor man's version of it. (please don't take offense to this). So please prove me wrong and use the Charade in interesting and unique ways in further chapters, but for now, I'm very skeptical of how it's going to turn out.

That said, everything else I loved, thanks for submitting it!

The charade is something I struggled with from the get-go. I will be using it in a major way - and actually, it is the theme of the book over-all. I realize it is weak at the moment but I hope to differentiate it enough to make it worth the reader's while. I'll bet you have seen through my info dump with Joeg and as a result it makes the Charade cheesier than maybe it could be.

I will take all of this under advisement and work harder on it the second draft. Keep the input coming and I am glad you can see the big picture enough to forgive the weaknesses! Of which there are many!

[Hamster]

A little advice for dealing with the Charade...

maybe don't give it to us in the info dump(which was a quite well handled info dump I think), it takes away the mystery of it a little bit. Maybe have him slowly learn what the Charade is. I realize that you are most likely already doing this for the most part, but maybe have him learn even less about it in this chapter, maybe just a small mention, but not as much info on it as you had.

Just my 2 cents. But even as it is, it isn't really that cheesy or bad, but I think it will rub the wrong way with WoT fans, of which there are many.

Hopefully I was able to help a bit.

[swaindaddy]

A little advice for dealing with the Charade...

maybe don't give it to us in the info dump(which was a quite well handled info dump I think), it takes away the mystery of it a little bit. Maybe have him slowly learn what the Charade is. I realize that you are most likely already doing this for the most part, but maybe have him learn even less about it in this chapter, maybe just a small mention, but not as much info on it as you had.

Just my 2 cents. But even as it is, it isn't really that cheesy or bad, but I think it will rub the wrong way with WoT fans, of which there are many.

Hopefully I was able to help a bit.

Advice taken.

[Silk]

I'm not quite sure what happened to the Drakkin or why he seems to disappear from the text after killing the duke, especially since you've stated in a couple of places that he was actually after Karrys. (Unless that's a misdirection, of course, in which case it would be fine if that became clear later on in the story. But the Drakkin still seems to just - poof - disappear.)

The dialogue between Joeg and Garrick at the start of the next chapter isn't quite working for me in places. I think it's just the way Joeg said "if you're curious, ask any question and I'll answer, I can hardly refuse". I think it's the way Joeg just threw out the offer like that that didn't ring true. I'm a little bit surprised that he's being quite so candid about Karrys and her history, too.

I kind of agree about the freedom comments - it was an interesting philosophy but a  lot to get all at once, particularly so early on. Pieces of it scattered throughout might work better.

I wasn't too concerned about the Charade as a copy of WOT or anything of the like; political manueverings and intrigue are something I accept basically as package and parcel of a story like this.

[swaindaddy]

I have since added a scene that wraps up the Sarrik (drakkin assassin) early on. It will make things add up better.

Good notes keep them coming.