I would work on your intro. Put a hook in there. There is so much epic fantasy out there these days, a lot of it sludge, that you need to show your reader right away why they should be reading this one. Just show us a glimpse of an interesting character, or a well-turned phrase, or really anything. Just grab us.
So, Saul is an orphan boy scrubbing pots. At least he is not a farmer or a blacksmith, which I think we see a lot of these days. It might work for you, it might not. Somewhere along the line show us a day in the life of a boy scrubbing pots. Trade secrets, if you will lol. ( I was serious about that.)
I haven't finished it yet so I don't know where Frog is getting sixteen from, but I had assumed that Saul was twelve or even younger. His thought processes and his actions as well only reinforced that thought.
Saul knew about women, even liked them though they were a mystery. Jenna, one of the other girls at Papa’s had shown him her breasts, even letting him hold one in his hand for a kiss.
I guess no one's given Saul the talk? lol
He thought it was a
bug? If I wasn't sure of his age before I was now. Yup, nine years old.
I have heard that apostrophes in names for fantasy and sci-fi books are overdone. I think Sanderson actually removed apostrophes from a lot of the names in Warbreaker because of that. Obviously do whatever works best for you I just wanted you to be aware.
Nice job with the fight. Everything was quite clear and made a lot of sense. In fact all the descriptions for that entire scene were very good.
About the fight itself: Well, you are obviously not writing dark fantasy
Not a single mention of blood that I can see, although you do mention entrails. The fight itself was almost
too clean, all sweeping motions and sure thrusts and throwing knives without looking. part of the biggest problem I have is that its almost too easy for Jo'hon. The worst it gets is a burning line across his back. Although I read on and see that Golden is injured and you tried to give the fight a cost, I can already guess that she will be fine.
However, this is far from a major issue. As Dan would say it ranks a 1 or maybe 2 in terms of how big a deal it is
A Protector of the forest, servant of the people; truth to tell he protected them from each other.
I found this to be very interesting. Hints at political intrigue, excellent. Haven't really seen much of that in any of the submissions yet: Frog had something interesting going with the elf kings but then his main characters moved on. I'm interested to see where this goes.
These skills and others are what separated Jo'hon and his other fellow Rangers from the run of the mill human.
For some reason I had an image of Jo'hon as some type of cat warrior in my head, LOL.
With a sultry laugh, Emily said, “But that’s all too true, old Master.”
I don't know that sultry is the feel you are going for.
. As a Master she would not be able to own property of any kind; no land, horses, slaves, nothing, not even the clothes on her back. Nor would she be able to make decisions for herself afterward, she would be under Guild purview.
Interesting. I hope this won't be the run-of-the-mill magic users' guild you see in most epic fantasies.
More apostrophes in names.
Cool. If a Supplicant fails her Test, she dies. All those jokes my teachers made in elementary school about the firing squad out back if we failed our tests seem a lot less funny now...
You have a lot of biblical names that you don't really see a whole lot of anymore, at least not where I live. (Saul, Jonah) Just remember if you continue in that vein it will give your story a certain flavor.
The beginning third I didn't like so much but I was starting to get into it by Jo'hon's part, and I definitely enjoyed Emily's viewpoint. Although I am a bit tired of the story shuffling
Anyway, I liked it. Good job, as usual!