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Systemless

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JP Dogberry:
Ok, my story.

This is the third in a series (But independant) of five short stories, after which I'm going to try my hand at a novel. This story is set in the sixth and final era, long after all the other events have occured. Hence the ruined world. This was originally a dream before I worked it into the system universe, so I intended the tone to be a little surreal, and a little dreamlike.

Overall though, something seems not quite right about this; it's not yet finished and I ca't put my finger on why,

Specific concerns though:

1) Length and pacing. Too long?

2) The Chacracter of Lita, and Mia to a lesser extent is causing me problems. I'm a geek who's never had  a date trying to write a romance, so anything that can help em get into the heads of these characters would help.

3) The religious themes. Overdone? Trite? On the same subject, does Freeman's last line work? That's a new line, since he's orignial was rather cliched.

4) If anyone has heard Smauel Barbar's Adagio for Strings, does the final scenes with the jail evoke the same feeling? I listened to it while writing the scene, and want it to feel the same.

5) Anything else you can comment on, mostly I'm asking because I'm not sure what eneds to be done.

stacer:
Have you sent it out yet? MSN's having some difficulties tonight and I've gotten email periodically during the day but not to the volume I've been used to, so I'm worried that it might have bounced. If so, try again tomorrow (I hope).

JP Dogberry:
Well, I sent it to the list on your e-mail, and the only one that bounced was MoDs.

Hang on, that means I didn't send it your way, doesn't it? I hate logic.

stacer:
I got it this morning.

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