Author Topic: 8/15/11 - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 2  (Read 410 times)

Chaos

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8/15/11 - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 2
« on: August 15, 2011, 08:06:55 AM »
This is the second chapter to Rebirth, where we introduce our second protagonist, Tavaris. At the present moment, you could get away with starting here and skip chapter one, but I do build on the world further.

I predict that there are a few reasons why someone could really, really hate this chapter. I break a cardinal rule of beginning a book: there's a flashback. Kind of. You'll have to read and see if I do it well.

Furthermore, I now know that chimps are not monkeys. Oops. My bad.

Summary so far:

Chapter One - Medora returns to the Sanctuary to save her father's Empire from collapse, but she attempts to kill her enemy, Saff Haiden. This leads to a riot which she barely survives.
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Asmodemon

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Re: 8/15/11 - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 2
« Reply #1 on: August 16, 2011, 10:21:55 AM »
I really liked this chapter  and was really drawn in. There were some places where you overuse the comma, such as the sentence “He had thought with the treaty’s negotiations, the Devans would have cleaned the battlefield more thoroughly”. The pause the comma introduces doesn’t feel natural.

Tavaris is an interesting character for a priestly acolyte, not wanting to become a priest because he has faith but because of a woman. He also seems to tolerate the idea of a god (“God was one thing”) and likes hearing about god only a little more than Cerebrance or reincarnation. That’s turning the aspiring priest role on its head. His personality too was consistent, unlike Medora’s in the previous chapter, and easy to sympathize with.

Renn’s behaviour before and after Tavaris entered the main cathedral seem at odds with each other. First he threatens Tavaris not to enter the cathedral, then afterward he acknowledges him and hopes he succeeds.

Elmaric’s first paragraph feel contradictory to me, first he feels the battlefield isn’t cleaned enough and then he thinks the cleaning was a ‘fantastic job’. He doesn’t like the Devans and that earns them his scorn and afterward he knows they don’t deserve his derision, but it still feels odd to read the shift so suddenly.

Personally I don’t mind the flashback to Tavaris’s previous life, since it was interesting and the fact that people remember previous lives and are judged by them is a key point in the setting. Since you’ve stressed this fact in both this chapter and the previous having the flashback doesn’t feel out of place, at least to me.

hubay

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Re: 8/15/11 - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter 2
« Reply #2 on: August 16, 2011, 03:10:23 PM »
I really enjoyed this chapter, and the conflict it creates for Tavaris. First, his desperation over aveline borders on the pathetic – in a good way. I feel like a lot of people have been in a situation or known someone who's held on to a relationship far to long after it's over, searching for a reason to explain why it failed. I also feel like it's impossible for him to get back with her, the way you've set this up so far, so I see part of his character arc will be letting her go rather than getting her back. I also love the religious/personal conflict of his past life.

He might be as self-pitying as Medora, but I think I like him more as a character because he still manages to be funny.

All that said, I found two parts confusing. As sacred as this rite seems to be, Tavaris snuck out of the line to look at the chimp far too easily. It might be more reasonable to just have him whisper from the line, and then have renn threaten him for breaking decorum.

I didn't mind the flashback, because it doesn't real constitute one. But the setup confused me. I can assume parts were intentionally vague, but I never quite understood what the treaty covered. My biggest problem, though, was trying to figure out if jenna and el were from the same country, or merely of the same faith and in an alliance. I think it was an alliance, and that El's country would be the next to fall – a sort of chamberlain and hitler setup – but i wasn't sure if seria was a religion or a country. You've been subtle with most of your exposition, which is good, but i think in this case you could have been a tiny bit more clear. I was only able to figure this out on my second read-through, when i was deliberately looking for answers.