Author Topic: August 7, 2011 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 8  (Read 1162 times)

Will777r

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August 7, 2011 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 8
« on: August 08, 2011, 08:40:46 PM »
Hey guys :)
 
Here's my next chapter. As always I appreciate the suggestions and feedback!
 
Chapter 8 Summary -  Albione goes to lunch with Charom and meets someone important. 3,500 words.
 
 
Here's the summary's for the first 7 chapters.

Chapter 1 Summary - Albione rescues a rival militia commander, but ends up losing the knight he's sworn to protect. A night elf raid has overrun the walls

Chapter 2 Summary - Charom, Albione's older brother, is in charge of the High Priestess' guard detail when the temple comes under attack.

Chapter 3 Summary - Albione rescues the High Priestess and accompanies her and his brother Charom to the wall. What he finds is completely unexpected.
 
Chapter 4 Summary - Albione is summoned to a meeting with his immediate Superior to face the consequences of his actions on the wall.
 
Chapter 5 Summary - A messenger delivers a dangerous package to Albione's room. When he opens it, the nightmare gets worse.
 
Chapter 6 Summary - Albione returns to his family's estate to fulfill his vow of seclusion, but finds himself further away from his God.

Chapter 7 Summary -  Albione returns to the temple, but two expriences make him question his faith further

Will777r

Asmodemon

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Re: August 7, 2011 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 8
« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2011, 04:07:55 PM »
All right, this is not bad a chapter, but aside from meeting an old friend it doesnít feel like much is happening anymore. The faster pace with the night elf attack has gone completely now that Albione is doubting his faith and doing little else besides. The night elf plot doesnít seem important anymore, the distrust against the militia isnít going anywhere, and for chapters now Albione has been doubting himself at every turn. It feels the story is meandering along. It feels like something should happen soon.

The big thing that I noticed was that Albione seemed like a different character at the start of the chapter, laughing at everything that was said to him without a clear reason given why. Last chapter he was particularly dreary and before that he also had little to smile about, let alone laugh. When the child leaves you make mention that he loves for the child to come for blessing. While thatís a good reason to be cheerful, Iíd like to know the reason for his good mood beforehand and not afterward.

Similarly when Albione is surprised by what Charom is wearing you never explain why a formal green tunic and white pants are so odd for his brother to wear. Also, what constitutes Ďformalí in this setting?

I donít really understand how Aetherial the half-elf can be a friend. Albione has a lot of problems with† the militia men, itís why heís been so conflicted these last eight chapters, because they donít follow his god. The half elf is one step removed from being a heretic, yet here Albione and Charom are both fine while Ferris, who follows a god of order Ė order, not chaos or something else evil Ė is despised. This is a weird dichotomy in their characters. But Iíve mentioned how I find the whole rivalry between temple and militia more than a little odd already.

I like Aetherial more with everything he says, he seems, like Ferris , one of the rare characters making perfect sense. Iím noticing a trend, neither are followers of Alazon ;) This is the first chapter where, aside from the god of the night elves, we get to hear something about a different god. Going by the story alone I got the view that there were only two gods, Alazon and the night elf god.

Mad_Scientist

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Re: August 7, 2011 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 8
« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2011, 06:24:12 PM »
Since I just joined this writing group, this is the first chapter of your work that I've read. Fortunately, it seemed like a decent place to jump in, as I was able to follow what was going on fine. Here are my thoughts.


Albione seems pretty happy at the start, so I'm guessing he must like children a lot, since later on it's shown he's actually fairly depressed about recent events.

I'm curious as to how exactly the blessing works. Something is definitely happening based on what Albione is feeling, but I wonder if the blessing just grants the recipient something like good fortune/courage, or if there's some other benefit like measurably increased strength or something? Is getting a blessing a week the normal thing for followers of Alazon?

Charom's appearance: is a formal green tunic that garish looking? I do like what I see of Charom this chapter and the way he teases his brother.

Now I get to what seems like the meat of the chapter, Aetherial's introduction and his conversation with Albione. I think you did a pretty good job of establishing Aetherial's character. Has he shown up before this chapter? I like him.

The Ruboc sounds like a cool creature. Not much else to say there.

Albione seems to be having some trouble with his faith. And with that, we end the chapter.

It was very character development focused chapter, without a lot of conflict or action in it. That can be a good thing sometimes, but it's hard for me to judge in this case without a better grasp of this chapter's place in the larger story.

Amnonian

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Re: August 7, 2011 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 8
« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2011, 05:09:26 AM »
Please note that this is the first chapter I've read, and thus my view is skewed.

I always get an urge to shudder whenever someone makes a character with a different belief than his own, but you seem to handle it well. Still, it's something to watch out for.

The part before they start talking religion with Aetherial is a bit slow, though that is probably because I haven't read the chapters that came before.

The conversation between Charom and Albione feels real. I could see that they were brothers. Well done.

hubay

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Re: August 7, 2011 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 8
« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2011, 12:33:21 AM »
I would like to see some more action by now. It doesn't have to be a battle or fight, even Ė just something sudden or expected to impact the plot. An assassination attempt would do nicely, as would a training bout with undercurrents.

Your temples' value system is constantly reminding me of the guy in donnie darko who tries to fit everything along the continuum of Love and Fear, disregarding any other emotion or motivation. Albione or another character might want to think about that; instead of just being frustrated with the value system, think about alternatives: Have albione think "What about jealousy, or hatred, love or anger. There's more to the world than just cowardice and valor" (reworded, of course). Concrete examples about why he has trouble with the value system will sound a lot more realistic than "I don't understand." You could also have an inner debate, where he tries to refute that and uphold the system. After all, jealousy could just be the act of being too cowardly to accept who you are and what you have. Greed is being to cowardly to work towards what you want. You actually could fit everthing into cowardice/valor, if you define it clearly enough. But right now, we don't see that level of philosophical thought; we only see Albione confused and inactive.

Anyways. Are there alliances amongst your gods? The god of healing and life sounds like it has something in common with Alazon, seeing as how Albione has healing powers.

Is there any problem or racist inherent in being a half-elf? I felt like that could be mentioned: People giving Aetherial glares because they're reminded of their dead friends and are too ignorant to know the difference between a light and a dark elf. That sort of a thing.

Lastly, I like your idea of agnosticism in a world where the gods clearly exist; I'm intrigued as to how you'll define atheism and heresy.

Will777r

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Re: August 7, 2011 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 8
« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2011, 10:36:21 PM »
Thanks everyone for the feedback! As always, I really appreciate the time you all took to read my stuff and comment on it.

A couple of you have mentioned that the story seems to be meandering. One of my goals on the next re-write is to cut and condense a lot of chapter 5 through 8 to get back to the action a bit quicker. It's a difficult balance because the story is mostly character driven. But I don't want it to bog down. Once Chapter 10 hits, there's a small section of chapters where the world opens up, but other than that it's all movement until the end. Now to answer some questions hehe.

Aetherial is a friend of Albione's father, before Alb was even born. Alb's father was much more tolerant than the temple. Their relationship broke down the walls that would normally keep Alb and Aeth from friendship. To be honest, the temple's problem with the militia is much more political than religious. Ferris is former nobility and ripped the people's loyalty from the temple. That means less attendance, money, and power. That's really what fuels the temple's hatred. Religion is just the excuse to fire up the masses. Oh, and I'm glad some of you like Aetherial - he's one of my favorite characters.

There are alliances among the pantheon, although that doesn't come into play in this book much.

Hubay kind of nailed how the temple of Alazon views things, their theology per se. Albione doesn't quite see it that way because he's not really paid much attention to his religious studies - hence his superiors frustration with him.

There's no inherent animosity toward half-elves. I was trying to avoid that cliche. Plus Aetherial is very well known in this part of the world. He has an outstanding reputation with pretty much everyone (except maybe his father's people).

Thanks again!

Will777r



cjhuitt

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Re: August 7, 2011 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 8
« Reply #6 on: August 19, 2011, 02:50:34 AM »
I liked the bit with Jake.† The main thing I wonder about changing there would be perhaps Albione's line being emptier than usual.

Does Aetherial have another part to play in the story beyond spurring Albione further in his doubts?† I hope so, since he seems a fun character.† On the other hand, if he's only here for this, I'm not sure he needs to be here.

Aetherial's story was intriguing in opening the world up a little more.† Especially the idea of a Ruboc, which I liked.† The mention of a wizard surprised me a bit, because I hadn't seen mention of another magic system separate from the church yet.† How are wizards and priests distinct in the book?† Or are they?

I hope the questions raised by the Ruboc story come into play later (why it was near the caravan, etc.).

At one point you refer to agnosticism as a religion, which I thought was odd.

The biggest problem I noticed is the same others have mentioned, that the introspective parts have gone on a while.† If you want a suggestion, one possible choice to help among many, is to have Albione be a little more active in trying to resolve his discomfort.† I'm not saying he has to do the right things, or even be active in the sense of doing a lot of stuff, but have a goal he's trying to accomplish, and specific things he does for it.† If he's working towards something -- and these things have some result -- mixed in amongst the introspection, I think it would read much better.† Maybe even make the scene with Jake into more of a struggle at first, in order to get the blessing, which he then accomplishes (but it doesn't really solve anything).† If it fits with your story, of course.† Mostly, I'm just trying to be a trigger for your ideas; whatever you come up with will fit your story much better than anything I can think of from this perspective.
Caleb

Will777r

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Re: August 7, 2011 - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 8
« Reply #7 on: August 20, 2011, 04:10:02 AM »
Thanks for the feedback Hubay! I absolutely loved your suggestion about Albione and Jake. I think the reason that this section of the story sags a bit is because I haven't made Albione's goals and motivations clear at this point. I really appreciate the rest of your comments too. I found them to be some of the most helpful I've gotten in pinpointing how I can improve on this section of the story.

Aetherial will become a major character in the final 3rd of the story. He'll be in and out every few chapters until then. He is probably my favorite character next to Albione.

The power a wizard uses is distinct from priestly power. However, they would both be considered religiously based. There's a chapter later in the book where that is explained in detail.

Concerning Agnosticism, there have been periods in history where things meant different things than they do now. I got this idea from the times of the Roman Empire. For example, in Rome it was illegal to be an Atheist. However, their definition of Atheism was vastly different than the current one. An Atheist was anyone who refused to worship gods declared legal by the empire. If you worshiped an illegal deity, you were charged with Atheism. I've tweaked some common terminology in the story to something different to give it a bit of a twist.

Will777r