I'm a bit late getting to this one. Others have expressed most of my impressions, so I'll just use their words where I can.
You're writing from an alien POV, but it reads like it's human. I can only assume the Alliance crew and commander are human – if they're not you should say what they are instead.
I agree with pretty much hubay's entire paragraph on this. It was my first thought as I was reading it. Examples include how he describes the fighting the commander would once have seen (as a human would have seen it), and the commander's age as well past his prime at 67. (And what sort of years is he 67 in? Are Dalcon's years that he learned as a child the same as what we would use to measure?)
Shoot, this was a minor viewpoint? I enjoyed it, so if you can bring more of his POV, I'll be happy.
I agree with this and generally all of akoebel's other points.
The second paragraph didn't work for me. We already know the situation, so I didn't feel I needed the history of the library stations. This guy is going to inspect why some station didn't communicate, period. I don't need any more than this.
In addition to this, I don't understand the reasoning behind having libraries in dedicated, remote space stations. It seems like it would make more sense to have them local to populations. You mention there were concerns, and what possible benefits could there be to overcome the concerns?
The high admiral went on a simple reconnaissance mission. This is really quite a stretch, even with the fact that one of his relatives lived here. People this high are mainly bureaucrats who never see a day of action. For one of them to leave the high command and go on a simple mission like this is highly improbable.
He doesn't act like (what I think of as) a commander, either, let alone a supreme commander. Dalcon never thinks of him as a figurehead or incompetent, so I would expect someone who is a supreme commander of anything to be quite competent. For one thing, most of the bridge crew doesn't use a form of address with him. Perhaps that's because he's not captain, but I would expect some honorific. Plus, they seem to respond to commands from him, as well as the captain.
I don't know how long the trip took, but given that they were fretting over the three-week delay before anyone noticed anything wrong, I assume it's a little while. Given that, a moderately competent commander would have had contingency plans for the likeliest scenarios, and probably variations of them, discussed with their staff. Dalcon would probably have even been included or told about the plans, if he was going to accompany the troops in any of them. If there was much chance of action, the tension should have been higher among the other crew - shorter sentences, etc. The commander or captain could have relayed a lot of information quickly by saying "Plan Gamma-3" instead of spelling out exactly what to do. This happens 1) when they approach and scan (the sensor section shouldn't even need to be told to scan then; it should have been the first thing the commander set in place when the trip was planned) 2) when the commander gives docking instructions, 3) when the commander briefs the troops, and 4) when the commander details objectives for the troops inside the station. Heading to the library might have been too far out to contingency plan, however, so there it starts making sense.
Note that we can still get the key pieces of information through straight narrative here; it's the pacing of the dialog that I think kills any tension or flow that I personally would like to see for the section.
Also, a side-note to the scanning: What is the range for scanning, and what is the range for exiting hyperspace? You'd better know them in this situation, and what both entail for tactics in a case like this. For example, most hyperspace scenarios have limits imposed by gravity. However, a space station can really be placed anywhere, and I didn't see any mention of a star, so they might have been able to come out of hyperspace right on top of the station (figuratively speaking). Besides, the information about scheduled calls implies a faster-than-light communication, which usually means a very large sensor range as well (not always, but usually). Combine these two, and it would probably make more sense to come in as close to the station as possible, immediately scan, and implement one of the pre-planned scenarios nearly instantly. This minimizes any opponent's chance to react, which is usually considered a good thing.
Dalcon forgot his gun.
This jumped way out at me. How did he ever get to be above the rank of restroom-cleaner if he forgets to bring one of his weapons? Or if it is so unimportant, why would he even think about it at all?
Regarding the helmet, as well: His spaceship had to be modified to accommodate his horns. How likely is it a helmet would really make him blend in with the others? I don't think it likely at all.
The admiral leads the away team (part 2) : this time, we get a mild question asking it it's wise. A good officer shouldn't have asked, he should have put the foolish bureaucrat in the next lift and left the pros do the work.
Here I actually recall Dalcon asking, but the major point stands that other officers should have nicely kept him too busy to leave the ship, let alone go down the elevator first. This gave you a fine chance to add character or world-build that I think you missed, however. If it is a cultural thing that he needs to lead, and none of his own crew questioned him leading, that to me implies a culture where asking if he should not go first is like asking if you're too old and decrepit to contribute anything. I would expect the commander to get angry or upset at the insinuation, which would add some tension to a scene that I felt was really lacking it.
Now, my biggest issue : the trodoon took great pains to make it look like this was done by random bandits, yet they left 70 witnesses ready to tell everything? In the same area, they killed the technicians so the transmitter wouldn't be repaired, but didn't even think the scholars could do it? Someone could have had a hobby. Given what we know of Trodoons, they shouldn't have had qualms killing 70 scholars when they already disposed of the technicians.
Darkclaw's reason was that if he killed everyone on the station, the attack would look more like a professional attack, and would garner more attention, possibly leading to a full-on hunt for the perpetrators, rather than simple patrols-which could spell disaster if they're discovered before they are ready.
This doesn't make any sense to me. Now, they're aliens, so they're expected to think it strange ways, so it might work. Tactically, though, why try a subterfuge while leaving 70 or so intelligent beings who saw you plan the subterfuge? Unless it comes up later as a misdirection or distraction, it makes no sense at all. On the other hand, if they all disappeared (except for the bodies of the guards, maybe?) it might be more likely to look like piracy/slavery (if any underground or black-market slave trade exists in your galaxy). That would also give Darkclaw a continuing source of information well beyond what he might get from even the most comprehensive library.
Also, he was of the opinion that none in the Galactic Alliance would feel there was any major threat- it's not the first thing most would assume, and it's not like he monologued about his plans to the people.
If he didn't monologue about his plans to his people, he's the first commander I've read (from an admittedly small sample of 2 chapters) who didn't. I brought this up in the last time, and you gave the credible answer that the High Lord (IIRC) liked to pontificate and explain himself to his juniors. That's fine, but here we have another commander who seems to take every chance he can to explain, in detail, exactly why he's ordering what he does. And Dalcon isn't much better when he gets to talk, although it is more to the point, and could also be explained/improved by making it a diction thing for him.
One thing I forgot to mention yesterday : I found some word repetitions throughout the text (for instance, 'investigation' in the middle of page 2).
I also noted a lot of these, and not just investigation. Going from memory, there were 3 or 4 places where the same word was used multiple times in a paragraph to say the same thing. I'm pretty sure most of those repetitions could be cut through some wordsmithing, although this might not be the wordsmithing stage for your story.
Other things I thought:
* Any significance to Information Station Alpha (i.e. the first one)?
* Dalcon "would not believe that" the Lead Scion would... Since this is in Dalcon's POV, his belief is implied. I think this weakens the connection with Dalcon that was established right at the beginning of that paragraph.
* Supreme Commander Garek mentions that if it were left to higher-ups, he might not be investigating yet. How much higher can you get above Supreme Commander? That seemed odd.
* Would Dalcon be so forthcoming as to both admit their information network is usually so good, and that they had a failing this time? Especially to what appears to be a competitor?
* Is Dalcon's power related to the water he sips? That's how it reads to me. I assume all the Scion's powers are similar.
* Airlock doors are
strong! Even if Dalcon has super-human strength, he shouldn't be able to easily open one.
* How well can Dalcon differentiate between humans? Can he see/smell/hear/sense the relationship between the old lecturer and the supreme commander? If so, he should probably recognize it in text.
* Uncle apparently recognized Supreme Commander Garek even under his helmet.
* The discussion in the room with Uncle was too anticlimactic. To me, Dalcon seems to just accept that this scholar knows how to interpret military intentions, etc. Also, it cuts the Uncle out of the conversation incredibly quickly, especially since Dalcon wanted to beat some answers out of him. Finally, to me it seemed obvious Dalcon was setting himself up for some kind of quest to find this information, but that may be solvable with a bit of polish.
* Why did Dalcon want to beat information out of the Uncle? Is it a tendency for his race? Is it a result of all the power he built up and is (presumably) still holding? And what happens to that power?
