May 30 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 11

[hubay]

Sorry about the wait, everyone. I've been pretty busy today.
So this is the big battle scene! I'm excited to hear back from everyone, a lot happens in this chapter and I hope I pull it off well. Thinking about what Akoebel said, I decided to put Jhuz's crisis about leadership in this chapter, to make it seem organic. The discussion at the end of the last chapter will have to be re-written.

I'd also appreciate any feedback on Jhuz's leadership and how reasonable it feel. Fireflyz, I know you've been busy lately, but since you have a lot of experience with the military (hope you're enjoying memorial day, by the way) I'd like to know what you think. Anyways:

Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch11 (L,V,S)

Last chapter: Jhuz meets Rince, a fox-metsi and archer. A division of the Nothroi army approaches.

Summary: The Legion and Nothroi fight, and Jhuz is forced into a leadership role

Thanks!

[Will777r]

I read this chapter during lunch today. The battle flowed well and everything made sense. I was a little surprised the Nothroi army fell into the trap of the retreat, but they may have felt this was the chance for the kill. They seem like a confident, aggressive people, so it fits.

The coolest moment of course is when Manto is killed by a Chell. It was totally unexpected and done in such a dramatic way that I had to read it twice. It was kind of a "wow" moment and well executed at that. I was wondering why Jhuz wasn't worried the same would happen to him, and then it did. It makes him look courageous to take the helm in this situation.

I didn't think Jhuz's leadership assumption was forced. It seemed natural to me.

I liked the skunks I had a good chuckle at that, although seeing them laugh at the opposition on the battlefield seemed a little unrealistic. They are pretty exposed which we see when Jhuz turns his army upon them. I would expect a little bit more vigilance or seriousness heh.

The only complaint I would have isn't really a complain from me personally. There was a lot of narrative summary of the battle. I don't mind that personally. I'm a big fan of Tolkein, who had a lot of narrative summary. But it seems like a battle might demand more showing than telling to draw the reader in more. At least, that's what I've read and am usually told.

Good chapter though! My biggest curiosity right now concerns the Chell. Who are they and what is going on with them? I know who the people perceive them to be, but obviously there's more to them than meets the eye. I would keep reading just to find out what their deal is.

Will777r

[hubay]

Thanks for the feedback!

You've got a good point about the summary. I don't know how much of a problem it is, but I can't really drag Jhuz into the fight because he needs to be in command. I'm thinking I might try to toss a friend of his in the fray, or something along those lines. Jhuz will still be in charge, but it gives him a more personal interest in the matter.

On an unrelated note, do you guys think "Belay that!" was the right wording when Jhuz tells people to disregard Lexio's order? I've only heard it in a nautical sense – is there an different command for land armies?

[Will777r]

I didn't notice the statement so it didn't jolt me out of the text or anything when I read it. I suppose some might think it doesn't fit or isn't used appropriately. I'm a pretty easy going reader though. Tell me a good story and I won't care too much about style.

[akoebel]

You would think that being on vacation gives me more time for reviews, but no. Sorry for the delay.

I really, really liked that chapter.

My original comments on the first battle scene were that I was missing a global picture that Jhuz should have been able to provide with his keen vision. I'm pleased to note that none of those happened in this chapter : I have a clear view of what's going on and I have the feeling to see through Jhuz's eyes. Congratulations on  that!

For the "too much telling part", I think it's inherent when you took the general as the viewpoint character. He has to give clear commands and grasp everything that happens in the battlefield, so you can't cut too much on the narrative. I wasn't bothered by that at all. While I'm on the subject, "belay that order" didn't bother me at all, but it's a natural sentence for me, having watched way too much Star Trek.

The part about Manto's decapitation : I enjoyed it, but I really feel it could have been written in a cooler way. The way it's presented, some of the tension vanishes when you say "And a Chell stepped...". At that point, we know what's going to happen, so the effect is not as sudden as it could have been. I would have preferred Jhuz to hear a thump on the ground from Manto's body falling and his head rolling down the slope.

I liked Jhuz taking over. It felt very natural and in character (thank you). Loved the "level a ballista at him" part!
The herd-metsi were a very good idea as well.

I have a small worldbuilding question : you said earlier that 10% of the population are *metsi. In the army, I didn't see any regular troops. Are they present, but not seen (as Officers are logically *metsi), or does the army only use metsi people? In that case, don't they have recruitment problems, since they can only conscript a small part of the population?

[hubay]

Glad you enjoyed it!

The army does try to get a larger portion of *metsi, since they're so much better than a regular. Normally they make up about a fifth of the army, but their losses have made it somewhere between a third and a half (the regulars die easier). In this battle I put them on the right flank, that's why it fell faster than the herd.

In general, I hear a lot of you guys telling me to add a little more information for clarification, or to show the impact on Jhuz's character more deeply. I think that's really important; I have a lot of action and dialogue, but I tend to skimp both on setting and character's self-reflection. In the rewrite I'll have to toss it in, and from now on I think I'll try to include it in my writing – though I'll still be shy on setting because it helps me write faster.

Anyways, thanks for the advice. Akoebel, I hope you enjoy your vacation!

[SkyhunterCommander]

This chapter was really enjoyable. Having missed out on the early battle scenes, I was looking forward to one, and it didn't dissapoint.

There aren't any issues that I had, at least nothing I can remember now. I really loved the scene where Manto got beheaded. It was one of those moments that makes one go 'wait, what?', and pause for a moment before completely realizing what happened. Done right, those moments are great, and it was done right here.

The phrase 'belay that order' didn't bother me at all, though I too have heard it used in various movies and tv shows so many times that it feels completely normal to me.

And thanks for the explanation about why the army has such a high percentage of metsi-I was wondering about that myself.

One final note-I really, really like the Herd. They just seem really awesome. Just putting that out there. 

[Asmodemon]

I don’t have much to add to what’s already been said, the telling of the battle bothered me a bit when we get to the ordered retreat and the Herd. At that moment I lost all feeling of tension, when you say things like “In other words, the Northroi had a better chance of breaking the Herd’s shields and sword than they did of breaking the line” I know who’s going to win and then it happens too; there is no tension which should be there when the Legion is being charged, even if the Legion wants the enemy to charge there is always the possibility the plan will backfire and there will be trouble. This scene had none of that.

It gets a lot better when the Chell shows up and Jhuz finally, finally, starts acting like an officer. The rest of the chapter was great, Jhuz stops being passive and gives orders which draws me closer to the action and makes me feel the battle.