Again, this chapter was quite good. I liked the fortresses in the mist and that it’s a separate world/realm/thing that contains everyone’s fortresses and is not just inside Jin’s head. Jin stood up for himself a bit and he did something spectacular with his magic, even if it’s still unclear what exactly he did, and he didn’t fail this time.
To me this chapter does suffers similarly to chapter sixteen. One problem is internal coherence. After the nurse leaves in a huff neither Jin nor Talvin pay her any more heed. This is just like with Chalinae, out of sight out of mind. Another issue is that the behaviours of Jin, Talvin, and now the nurse don’t always make sense. At least they don’t to me.
My first impression of Jin here is that he speaks differently when talking to the nurse in the mist. He’s far more collected, assured and mature. Take “That’s a matter of some disagreement between us” for instance, and then he practically sneers at the nurse when he tells her who his father is. It’s almost like he’s a younger Talvin. This isn’t a bad thing, I liked that Jin showed some backbone and maturity since he’s supposed to be culturally mature and fearless for being a Calorite. But it is different from the last chapters and in terms of continuity that isn’t so good.
A small thing that occurred to me, I don’t recall seeing any signs that there is disagreement between Jin and his mother about him being male. Now she didn’t have much screen time so far and I could be remembering wrong, but you could show such a disagreement or some resentment in the mother earlier in the story so Jin’s remark has a basis.
On the reaction of the nurse for Jin being a Calorite, I think it’s a bit extreme, especially given what we know about the Calorites and what you explain in the remainder of the chapter. This knowledge is quite limited right now. In the summary of the book I see that in the prologue a Calorite killed Traxis’s wife, but you never submitted a prologue to the group, so all I know is what the summary says.
Subsequently the word Calorite is never mentioned in Karemoth’s part, which is a good 30,000 words, and might be too long to remember the significance of the word. The submission format doesn’t really help either in remembering things that happened chapters and weeks ago. In Jin’s part it’s mentioned once in chapter 12, when his mother makes his hair into a Calorite braid and again in 13 again with respect to his hair. It’s subtle, saying that no one wears their hair like a Calorite, but other than that evidently the Calorites are pariahs there’s nothing to say they’re dangerous or particularly feared in the present day.
Without the prologue these two mentions are too subtle for the reaction of the nurse. And the nurse’s reaction, if the Calorites really have fallen into stories, comes across as too extreme because of it. On the other hand, given the nurse’s reaction, if the Calorites are so feared and loathed as the nurse suggests why would Jin (be allowed to) wear his hair like one? Even if only a handful of people believe in Calorites it puts too much attention on the boy – that’s the last thing Talvin would want, given Jin’s magic.
Which brings me to Talvin. Before the nurse came he was in a rage, ready to practically kill Jin. Mere moments afterward, his behaviour is turned around 180 degrees. It’s not just because he’s proud that Jin managed to do something, because Talvin was already acting nice the moment the nurse left them. It’s like Talvin’s mood is on a yoyo, up and down, up and down. You say there is a reason his behaviour is inconsistent, but by this point a reader is likely to have put the book down and so will never know. You don’t have to spill the beans on everything, but if you make it clear to the reader there is an in-story reason Talvin’s behaviour is odd that will create a mystery rather than an authorial error.
Finally, Talvin is proud of Jin at the end of the chapter. Why exactly? To Talvin’s perspective Jin made bigger arcs and made a purple light flare. True, this is more than he has done up to this point, but it’s purely a visual effect. Talvin can’t manipulate the Shroud and thus has no idea whether Jin did anything to it or not, not without people like Zarfar singing next to it – unless Talvin can sense or manipulate the Shroud. Now what would that make him?
