Author Topic: April 25 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 9  (Read 1115 times)

hubay

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April 25 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 9
« on: April 26, 2011, 09:27:51 AM »
Sorry this is so late. Thought I had the opening scene worked out but then it collapsed on me. Anyways, here's the rest of the chapter, with a brief synopsis at the beginning of what the opening scene should have been. Thanks for the feedback in advance. I'm particularly interested to see how you all think Jhuz is coming along as a character.

4-25-11 Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch.9 (L,V,S)

Summary: The Imperial Legion is on the run, caught between the supernal Chell and barbarian Nothroi. Jhuz has just heard some disturbing news about the Capitol from Ezlio, and his maidservant revealed that she often spies on couples using flower petals and commetsi. One of her petals wound up in the wrong place, however and she overhears two men planning on assaulting the female Nothroi prisoner Jainifer.

Ch.9 Jhuz schemes with Zaisha, gets dressed down by Manto, and tries his hand and commanding some of the flyers.

hubay

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Re: April 25 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 9
« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2011, 06:42:38 AM »
LTU emailed me a critique when the website was down, so here's his thoughts:

Don't worry about the rape scene too much.  If you're opening into a new chapter there are ways around it.  They could discover the rape at the end of the last chapter, and then we skip to the future where they've killed the rapists.  I will admit, flat out, that it will not be as impacting as going about with it.  To be totally honest, either you should take a deep breath and go to that deep dark place you don't want to and write the scene, or you do something else. To be fair, the reason I did demonstrate Chalinae being rapped in my book is because I didn't want to do it either.  So I can sympathize with you there.

"I don't like where this is going."  - It's not a bad line, but it's one of those cliche things you can make sound a bit more clever with some time. "Our own hands."  - This is another one of those lines. In a publication world, you're going to have to do better.

" . . . shove it . . ." - Now the line isn't bad, but it does strike me as anachronistic.  Might just be me though.

Also, the reason a bee dies when it stings you is because the stinger stays in, thus leaving a hole in the body.  The association between ethereal daggers and getting killed after stabbing someone because they're bee dudes doesn't really cross in my head.  The idea is cool (the dagger thing) but it feels like a stretch to do ethereal daggers and death.  They just don't mix.  To me at least.

The actual chapter itself fells like it's going no where, but I know that's not true. Excitement followed by "boring stuff," that's probably more interesting then the "action," is what I think.  I liked it.  The birds and the feathers is pretty cool.

akoebel

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Re: April 25 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 9
« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2011, 10:02:56 PM »
Though the chapter is enjoyable, I do find that something is missing there : I didn't feel like I cared about what happened to the characters, that there was no emotional impact on me.

It was like I was watching the scene from outside through a window where everything came to me muffled.

My personal theory about it is that you wrote something so intense on the beginning of the chapter that you toned down the rest. As we don't get to see the powerful part yet, all that remains is the emotionally stripped down part. This is just conjecture on my part, I realize. Those people just came through some awful fight with their own soldiers. They should feel way badder than they seem to.

The dressing down Manto gives his officers didn't look right to me : why did he even bother? Troops did something wrong and the officers had to act. That should be the end of it.

About the "message in a bottle" part in the end, I fail to understand Jhuz's reasoning. It seems obvious the Chell are involved. Why does he presume they will grand his request?

I hope I'm not making this worse than  it is : I'm still very interested. That part just seemed blander than your usual.

hubay

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Re: April 25 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 9
« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2011, 07:54:05 AM »
Good advice, both of you. I think I'll try and increase the emotional impact of killing his own men on the rewrite. I'm going to keep plowing through with the plot, but as soon as I've figured out the opening sequence I'll probably re-submit.

@LTU: I'm not really sure the best way to the handle the bee thing (did I mention this in my email? I can't remember). I want it to work visually on the same level as Ezlio's quills – just with a very different end result. The death-for-a-death concept is pretty important to the Hive zealots, so I'm not going to ditch it. But if you guys think the delivery should be switched up I'm open to suggestions.

@akoebel: I'm having trouble fitting in Jhuz's view of the Chell right now, because everyone in the army kind of hates those guys and I'm really making them out to be the villains here. Thing is, most people in my world see them as a Good Thing, even if they're a bit creeped out by them. So everyone is a bit surprised by the attacks, and Jhuz's upbringing is such that he still assumes this is all a huge misunderstanding.

So what is everyone's impressions of the Chell been up to this point? I've been hinting at how they work with some of Jhuz's legaleese, and my goal is to keep you wondering what their motivations are, even if their actions are all cruel up to this point.

LongTimeUnderdog

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Re: April 25 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 9
« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2011, 05:05:54 PM »
I would say don't change it, but if you give a better explaination of how it happens (and by better I mean something, not a whole science).  Like "Something about pushing one soul into the other soul that makes it impossible to go back into the body.  it was all very hushed and vague as far as everyone else was concerned."

Just a suggestion.

SkyhunterCommander

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Re: April 25 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 9
« Reply #5 on: June 24, 2011, 05:31:01 PM »
First off I'd agree with LongTimeUnderdog's sentiments about the rape scene-it's perfectly understandable that such a scene would be difficult/unpleasant to write.

I fee that this chapter did not move the plot forward too much, but I enjoyed it for its descriptions of the airborne forces. That in particular made the army seem more real, in the sense that I can better picture it, having most likely missed descriptions given in the first few chapters.

While it is probably a bit redundant at this point, akoebel's made a good point about emotional impact. Ramping that up would, I think, help add more to the chapter than just the world details.

About the Chell, as of this point in the story I'm viewing them as some sort of supernatural force, which usually is neutral but now for some reason has decided to start killing key people in this army, seeming to imply that something is wrong in the world, either due to something the emperor may have done (as some characters think) or because of some other event.
I will get around to giving feedback to my fellow Reading Excuses members. As soon as I can.

Asmodemon

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Re: April 25 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 9
« Reply #6 on: August 17, 2011, 02:24:48 PM »
Sorry about being late, I meant to do this far sooner.

Rape scenes are hard to write, so I also don’t fault you for not writing it, however what you’re saying in the synopsis is that no rape actually took place yet – the characters were just in time to stop it from happening, leaving the prisoner unscathed. So maybe I’m getting this wrong, but you’re not actually writing a rape scene or even the lead in if the scenes are told from Jhuz’s perspective. Also, if the two would-be rapists are very drunk, would the guards believe that such drunk men were sent to rough up the prisoner for interrogation?
 
 My thinking is that if it’s hard to write emotionally the scene will be just that more powerful to read. If you’re really set against a rape maybe the story doesn’t need it to continue – a severe beating or torture might suffice, if that produces the same end result. But if the rape is necessary I’d advise you to try and write it anyway, no matter how hard. And if you doubt the validity of the scene because you’re not comfortable with it, let us read it, since it won’t have the same baggage for us as for you writing it.

There are many alternatives too, such as having Jhuz show up when the rape is done or nearly done, that way the characters can quickly deal with the rapists and you can write the prisoner’s aftermath – beaten, her clothes ripped to shreds, edging as far away from anyone who approaches her. That can be a strong scene too.

In comparison the rest of the chapter feels dull compared to what could have been a very powerful start. That’s not to say it’s a bad chapter, because it isn’t. The prisoner isn’t actually raped so there isn’t that much emotional investment for the reader. Jhuz and Zaisha also go back to the normal affairs of the army rather than face any emotional turmoil.

The rest of the chapter doesn’t give us anything really new and when Jhuz walks to the flyer’s camp, while interesting to learn about the flyers, I’d rather see more of the things you’re telling us in that segment. Flyers are ridiculed for wearing trousers, but I can’t remember ever having heard someone in the army say something like that. Similarly, you tell us how air battles are fought, but I’d rather see it – perhaps by seeing flyers spar with land-based troops or amongst each other.

I found the term ‘airman’ incongruous compared to the other titles the troops in the army have, such as priori, metsi, Decurion, and the others, though I know Jhuz is the Standard and I don’t mind that. Maybe I just got used to Standard when there weren't that many other terms around, but now I just feel that airman is strange.

hubay

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Re: April 25 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 9
« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2011, 04:47:26 PM »
Hmm, you know I actually struggled with good title for 'airmen' I only settled on it because it was parallel to 'footman' perhaps something like Aeori or Aviori would be more suitable for the setting. Thanks!
« Last Edit: August 17, 2011, 07:26:28 PM by hubay »