March 14 -RiaRaen- The Magic Weilders Rewrite- Chapter one

[RiaRaen]

Hope this version has ironed out a few of the creases but if not I love a good challenge. This is the start of the first chapter and introduces us to the main protagonist of the book Aerdreia (Air-dree-a) so let me know what you think. Those of you that saw my first version (With Merin, Anno and Bran) do youthink this is better? Those of you that havent read that version it would be good to get a fresh perspective

x

[MannyBrainpan]

I never read your first version, but this was nice start. If this was the first two pages of a book I picked up at a book store, I would probably buy it. But I'm kinda easy going when it comes to fantasy.  I found like three mistakes and put them in read with notes on how to fix them. If you want, I can email the edit to you.

[SkyhunterCommander]

I too have never read the earlier versions of your story, and I liked this opening. I found myself caring about the main character, and I am definitely interested in seeing where the story goes. I did notice a couple of grammatical errors, which I can point out after I read through it again. I also am not sure what having the short paragraph at the beginning (about defeating opponents of superior strength) and then again when it was relevant added to the story. I personally didn't see the purpose, but again, that's just me.

But as I already said, I liked what I've read so far, and I look forward to seeing more.

[MannyBrainpan]

I believe the paragraph at the beginning was going to be a chapter recurring thing like in Dune, Mistborn, or The Way of Kings. And, I liked the way it tied in, but maybe, unless you REALLY have a plan to tie in those quotes, I might just put the quote as part of the main character's thoughts. I don't know, maybe that's a bad idea.
-Manny

[LongTimeUnderdog]

This was short.  I was surprised by that.  During the entire piece, there were several things that really stuck out to me.  The first of these was the massive lack of setting.  That's not really a problem for the tight piece we have here, so that can be set aside for a bit.  Still, I would have liked to know how cold it was, or how hot.  Was she on a dirt floor or in some kind of cell.  Where exactly is she?

The second thing I noticed was the apparent lack of "why?"  Why are they holding her?  Why is she here?  That sort of thing.  Motivation is important.

The third thing I noticed was what really stood out.  This piece is trying to sound WWWAWAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY cooler then it is/needs to be.  I suppose I could give specifics.  But we'd be here all day.  Instead I will give you the advice of "lighten up."

You spend a lot of energy in the piece trying to sound neat and descriptive instead of actually being neat and descriptive.  Rules to go by:  If you can say it with out an adverb, do it.  If you can say it smoother, do it.

One example: 

As he shoved her to the floor she tried to twist away from his descending
foot, but a force held her still, and the crushing impact forced an involuntary
groan from her lips.

This reads a lot better as something like:

He shoved her down to the stone floor (or whatever the floor is made of).  She tried to twist away but his foot came down hard on her chest with a hollow thud that forced an involuntary groan.

OF course you should write it your way.  Just trying to show you more what I'm talking about.

[RiaRaen]

Hey All ^^
Any grammatical corrections would be most welcome i'm dyslexic so its really hard for me to pick up on stuff like that. I normally get my friend to proof for me but she is once again off travelling.

@Skyhuntercommander and Manny , Thank you for reading guys. The repetition of the paragraph is going to be something that I will play with alot througout the rest of the story as a way of distinguishing charachter thought processes or something like that ^^

@LongTimeUnderdog, This isn't the whole of the chapter, just what I have so far as a first draft. Alot of the points you raised are literally about to come up but In the last version of this story I struggled with the lack dialogue and over description so I'm trying to curb my adjectives I like how you incorporated the floor into my sentence and I will be using that but i didnt want to lose the invisible force as again that is something about to be explained.

I fyou could give me some examples of the coolness/neat and descriptive stuff it would help alot as I want to really refine how to do this before I plough on with the rest.

[MannyBrainpan]

I would also have to agree that the sentences are a bit flowery. At points I felt like you were trying so hard to make stuff sound unique, that it was too much. So, maybe cutting little descriptions, and different line editing will help you find your narrative voice.  Anyway, I still liked it.

[akoebel]

Hi,

Aside from the two first paragraphs, the piece was nice to read. As I finished it, I somewhat understood why the second paragraph was here, but this explanation didn't satisfy me.

I think you need to start right away with the character, so I would loose the first paragraph without regret. The second one that you want to keep as a resonance with the one in the end, I would put as an epigram. This way, you still start the real text with the character, you emphasize the part about superior opponents, and you still provide resonance.

I liked the bit about "force fields" :-)

[fireflyz]

There's quite a bit of passive voice going on.  Ex. "was leaning", "had flung."  Instead just use "leaned, flung, flew, etc". 

The first sentence of the third paragraph (which really is the first sentence) was too passive for me as well.
"The camp for now was quiet which was an unusual occurrence, usually the clamor of men at arms or the screaming of prisoners could be heard throughout the night, preventing a sleep that was filled with its own breed of deathly melody."

I think something similar to this would work better:

"The camp was unusually quiet.  The silence screamed in her ears.  Sleep was a struggle without the cries of prisoners or the clash of weapons.  Sleep, devoid of its deathly melody would not come."

Your language is flowery, but I don't think that's issue.  I liked it.  There were numerous places with dialogue that had missing punctuation.  Also, I think that usually the standard format is Courier or Times New Roman, double spaced.  I didn't mind the different font, but the single spaced is harder to read.

You used the word forced three times nearly right in a row.  I would suggest using it once and finding different words for the other portions.

I agree with Akoebel, you should lose the first paragraph.  The second paragraph you could keep where it is, but I think it would be better as a quotation before the piece begins.  It works in nicely at the end.  That was well done.  I also liked that it wasn't enough.  Never make it too easy for the characters :-)

[Renoard]

Okay I'm late responding to this. I apologize.

I think you have a good narrative voice over all. You are not wasting time taking readers on tangents. You introduce the character early and and let us know where she is and her condition from the start.

The tradition of starting a book with a short introduction of the subject and the narrator is long and valued. Jordan did not invent it. And it really only has fallen out of fashion amongst the ADD and lost-gen readers. BUT it really has to come naturally from you, Don't try to make it happen if it isn't how you naturally start a story when you are telling one aloud. Practice telling stories aloud, it'll surprise you what you learn about your own narrative voice.

However I think that having a rape scene as the first page of a novel is going to be a hard sell anywhere but an erotica publisher. Most males just don't go for that, so you lose a lot of market share if you haven't already made them fall in love the character BEFORE she gets put in that situation.

Moving back and giving us a chance to get to know her first will help.