Author Topic: March 21 Hubay Lord Domestic Ch 7  (Read 818 times)

hubay

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March 21 Hubay Lord Domestic Ch 7
« on: March 21, 2011, 06:35:57 PM »
Here's the next one, back on the regular timeline. I feel like I didn't do the murder scene at the end justice, so let me know if you have any ideas to make it stronger. Thanks!

Hubay Lord Domestic Ch7 (L,V,S)

Summary:
Jhuz captured a scouting harpy named Jainifer, but on the way back foolishly gave her up to the Jackal Lexio so he didn't have to carry her. Zaisha is becoming increasingly worried about unrest in camp.

Chapter 7: Jhuz interrogates the prisoner, talks chain of command with Arilu, and Arilu has a run-in with the Chell.

MannyBrainpan

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Re: March 21 Hubay Lord Domestic Ch 7
« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2011, 09:33:59 PM »
I don't know anything about your world or characters from before, so I was TOTALLY lost on all (five?) characters that went in and out of the chapter, and the magic seems interesting, but of course it isn't clearly defined for me. I would definitely play up the death, maybe the character that is in charge had planned to post guards around the tent, maybe we get to see one last scene where the dead guy hears something moving in the shadows and gets attacked. I don't know, just throwing around stuff here. But I definitely felt like the death was anti-climactic, and I know this is an army sorta feel you're creating, but maybe reserve the swearing for one character that way he feels a bit more colorful, and true-blue classic cussing soldier. Anyway, you definitely need to play up that scary death scene. I liked the bit but I think I would enjoy it more if I knew who all of these characters were. Which brings me to another point, it seems like I lost track of who was talking a lot particularly because so many different people talk in the chapter, maybe its just me.
"It's a liger... it's pretty much my favorite animal." - Napoleon Dynamite

akoebel

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Re: March 21 Hubay Lord Domestic Ch 7
« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2011, 10:03:46 PM »
Not much to say about this chapter overall. I liked it as I did the others.

Here are my comments:
* I didn't get why Jhuz went to question the prisoner. He's coming back from a long tiring journey, he should go straight to his tent and get some rest. Instead, he goes to the prisoner because he has nothing better to do??
* Jhuz refers to the prisoner by her first name. I don't think a soldier would think about a captured enemy in that manner.
* "Jhuz knew from experience that he now had that special sort of headache that comes from getting a hangover while still awake" : unless he refers to things he really experienced with his own familiar, this is a POV error.
* Are Pentus the equivalent of Tribuni angusticlavii ?
* I don't buy that the command of a whole legion could pass to Auxiliae : there are still command officers in the legion (primus pilus for instance)
* "Definitely Chell " : the chatter comes a little too quickly for my taste (might be just me). Seeing this should throw everyone into utter silence for at least a few minutes.

Just one more thing before I close this : up until now, this book has been very plot-driven. I'd like to have the characters drive the story a little more instead of reacting to events.


hubay

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Re: March 21 Hubay Lord Domestic Ch 7
« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2011, 12:51:38 AM »
@akoebel. I reorganized the command structure so it was a little simpler. I figured "tribuni angusticlavii" would turn people off the pentii each command five centuries, with only the Prefect above them, so they're at a similar position. You have a good point about Lexio's place on the scale, but it's intended that he's 12th in command, and in normal warfare people would keep getting promoted over him, because the whole of command usually doesn't up and die in one go. It just happens with the rout and the assassinations that 10 of those people were taken out of line at once. I think on a re-write I'll play up how many other pentii were killed in battle.

@Manny: If you want I can email you the first six chapters.

MannyBrainpan

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Re: March 21 Hubay Lord Domestic Ch 7
« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2011, 03:14:17 AM »
Please do. I will at least scan through them, just to get familiar with your storyline.
"It's a liger... it's pretty much my favorite animal." - Napoleon Dynamite

SkyhunterCommander

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Re: March 21 Hubay Lord Domestic Ch 7
« Reply #5 on: June 24, 2011, 04:56:56 PM »
Seeing as I have the time now, I've decided to try and get through the backlog of chapters I didn't have time to comment on during the school year. One thing to bear in mind-the first chapter I have read of this was chapter 7, so there are bound to be things I don't understand, so feel free to ignore anything that I would know had I read the early chapters.

I'll try not to repeat anything said already, as those comments are months old now.

Despite not having read the early chapters, I think I understand what is going on, at least in general. Through the various events and conversations in the chapter, I was able to glean some information about the magic, which helped both here and in the later chapters.

The only things that bugged me at all were that twice, Jhuz mentions that the army is warming up to him, in almost the same language. The second time I read it, I though 'I know this already, no need to repeat'.

The only other thing was that the prisoner gaze information very easily. I know Jhuz himself remarked on that, and the prisoner explained why she was so, but I feel that her reasoning doesn't make too much sense. Even if she is sure that women where Jhuz is from are incapable of what she does, that sort of information still aids her enemies. It feels more like a way to relay information to the reader than something a prisoner would volunteer freely.

That aside, I enjoyed this chapter a lot, despite the things I don't quite understand yet. I should have comments up for the chapters following this one soon.
I will get around to giving feedback to my fellow Reading Excuses members. As soon as I can.