Author Topic: March 7 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 0  (Read 908 times)

hubay

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March 7 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 0
« on: March 07, 2011, 07:32:19 PM »
Hey everyone. I'm trying something a little different this week. I wrote a prologue to the rest of my chapters so far, that mostly serves to explain the magic system. It's the story of Jhuz as he recieves his familiar. As such, it's a lot of exposition, and I may still have explained the magic poorly. Let me know what you think.

I also tried switching the –mejji suffix to –metsi. I think the double j's might have made it annoying to read, and I think the new one feels a little more roman-flavored. That said, it still feels off to me, so I'd appreciate any feedback or ideas.

Hubay - Lord Domestic, Ch 0. (L,V?) It's pretty tame, actually, but most of my stuff isn't.
2700 words

Summary:
The imperial taxonomist Dezrius helps a six-year-old Jhuz pick out his familiar.


Dark_Prophecy

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Re: March 7 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 0
« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2011, 09:14:58 AM »
I honestly liked this piece. There were a couple of misspelled words and some grammar that threw me off in a couple of places, but as prologues go I thought it was excellent.

I don't think your explanation of the magic was bad at all. I like how you got to show the powers of the boy, and then had Dezrius think about each one. It gives us just a little bit of action and keeps it from being an info dump. I also think it wasn't very hard to catch on to what a Geas is, so good job there.

The one question I had is about the last paragraph. I read all the submissions on my Kindle, since it makes it seem more like a book to me, and that part stood out, and not necessarily in a good way. I guess you could say that I thought it was a little heavy handed. Now, you don't have to change a thing, but if I had written it, it might have said something like

"...his teachers would see him graduate a military man, straight as an arrow and full of imperial fervor. Perhaps it was just the Geas, but obedience seemed to fit the child quite well, Dezrius thought. He was rarely wrong about these things."

Something that doesn't just give us the fact that everything's gone to hell. I guess the last paragraph was just a little jarring, since it moved us forward thirteen years in one sentence, and we really don't know the story of what happened in that time at all.

So yeah, I would have preferred a milder ending to the chapter, but everything else flowed very well. And this is coming from a guy that doesn't really like Prologues.

A few notes: do a ctrl+f for Girshka, since I noticed you had it spelled GRishka most of the way through, but a few of these showed up. Also, there's still a commejj in there somewhere, so you might want to switch that out. I was okay reading it, it didn't jar me too much, but I suppose some others might find the double j annoying.

Great stuff.

P.S. I try not to ever delete an email, so I've combined everything you've put up so far and converted it for the Kindle. I'll be reading it this week, and I'll try to get you feedback on every chapter.
« Last Edit: March 08, 2011, 09:24:35 AM by Dark_Prophecy »
I like basketball, hanging out with my friends, reading, slamming a garbage can into a pimp or two with magical heavenly powers. You know, teenager stuff.

akoebel

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Re: March 7 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 0
« Reply #2 on: March 08, 2011, 12:26:50 PM »
Hi,

I'll make a more detailed report in the evening. I just wanted to say a few things here :

The piece manages to fix some of the awkwardness of the earlier chapters. We now have a clearer picture of what *metsi are.
The point that worries me the most is that I think you're revealing too much in this prologue story-wise (not an exposition problem) :
* about the Chell : the whole human-metsi thing and their abilities to lay a geas on humans.
* the last line about Jhuz and the Emperor

Those raised some very interesting questions for me, but I'm not a new reader since I already read 6 chapters. I fear that a new reader will get too much from that prologue. I'd seriously consider not telling too much about the Chell at this point. They have been a mythic component up until now, and seeing what they can really do didn't feel right to me. Ok, maybe this is me and my bad habit of withdrawing information from the reader speaking here.

Back later for more...

Dark_Prophecy

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Re: March 7 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 0
« Reply #3 on: March 08, 2011, 12:54:52 PM »
Okay, having read the other six chapters now, I'd have to agree with Akoebel. I think it might be better to be a little more mysterious about the Chell here, though I still think this chapter helps quite a bit with the magic of the series. Nice work!
I like basketball, hanging out with my friends, reading, slamming a garbage can into a pimp or two with magical heavenly powers. You know, teenager stuff.

hubay

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Re: March 7 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 0
« Reply #4 on: March 09, 2011, 05:13:00 PM »
Alright, I'm glad this helped. So do you guys think I should write out the chell altogether, or just avoid showing off his power (geas, mindreading, teleportation, etc.)?

akoebel

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Re: March 7 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 0
« Reply #5 on: March 09, 2011, 10:19:18 PM »
Difficult decision :
1 - I suppose that the fact that a Chell himself brought Jhuz is important (just a wild guess on my part). In that respect, you may want still to have a Chell bring him in to emphasize the point.
2 - On the other hand, you can't have him here and not having the narrator mention how he feels about them and their powers (would be a big POV violation). So having the chell in the scene cannot be done without revealing too much.

I suppose a solution between those two would be to have the Chell bring the boy in and leave at once. It would explain why the narrator doesn't think about what the Chell are, but you would loose Grishka as a person you can use in dialog to introduce your setting. Maybe you can get away with having the narrator explain things to Jhuz, but it's a risky path. Or maybe have a servant of the Chell here as well to use in the exposition dialog.

Aside from the exposition, what was the objective of this prologue? Maybe we can re-center on the objectives here.

Now, for my other comments, I don't have much more to say. Loved the "He was a surprisingly average height and build, and his face was remarkably plain." which did a very good job describing the Chell.

RiaRaen

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Re: March 7 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 0
« Reply #6 on: March 10, 2011, 07:15:29 PM »
Ok so I havent read any of the other chapters yet but I will, so this is all from a fresh perspective.

So there were a few niggly mistakes

"Its been a while since you've bothered to take them yourself"
He was of surprisingly average height and build

I really liked the description of Grishka and the little bit about the hair on his shoulder piqued my interest...... Ok now I know what it is..... very nice touch

I actually loughed out loud at "the boy looked like a boy. He was picking his nose."

This particular sentence confused me
"If an actual chell had bothered to take the boy here, Dezrius doubted he would draw a cow as his familiar" - I think it would work better as " since an actual chell had bothered to bring the boy here" because when i first read the sentence I just couldnt figure out what you meant as it sounded like you were cursing the fact a chell hadnt brought the boy when of course one has.

Aithricha turns in his grave - again I loughed out loud

ooo I love the impending doom and the moral conflicts of the demi-god very well done.

Ok so on a whole I really loved this! lots of great details that fleshed out the social order of things and the magic was very explained. There are a fair few spelling errors mainly just the wrong letter here or there. I have to say I actually really like the last sentence. One problem I have always had with prologues is they very rarely pertain to any part of the actual story but in this you have provided the insight to your character and in one sentence swiftly introduced us to what this book will be about.

Overall I am excited to read the rest :)