Author Topic: Untitled Fantasy Serial (Part 1- Butchers and Part 2)- 3/8/11  (Read 1483 times)

MannyBrainpan

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I am new to RE but this is the topic to post your feedback for my Untitled Fantasy Serial which gets distributed every Monday with everyone's writings. And as to the weird funny/serious mix of the story, its because I am actually basing the whole story off random ideas I got from friends who filled in the answers to a madlib I made.
In case you're wondering, each part is titled but I have no name for the full storyline yet.

The plot summary is: A girl named Vara scrounges to survive, but when she meets an unexpected friend, she sets out to change her world.
Thanks,
             -Manny (http://www.brainpan.webs.com)
« Last Edit: March 09, 2011, 12:49:48 AM by MannyBrainpan »
"It's a liger... it's pretty much my favorite animal." - Napoleon Dynamite

Asmodemon

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Re: Untitled Fantasy Serial (Part 1- Butchers and Part 2)- 3/8/11
« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2011, 09:36:12 PM »

Short chapters, I’m surprised no one critiqued these yet.  With the chapters being so short it’s hard to get a good grasp of the setting, the plot, and the character of Vara. I don’t dislike her and you could have something good here, but it’ll take more writing to actually figure this out.

That said, what you have right now does have some points I want to address.

You start off with a spoof in the opening. Personally I’m not a big fan of not only such a blatant parody, but also of breaking the fourth wall so blatantly. The second person perspective you’ve got going in the first paragraph rubs me wrong. That may be just me, so mileage may vary indeed. For me the opening doesn’t exactly hook me.

What I will suggest is that with this kind of opening I expect humour, further parody elements, and basically a story that doesn’t take itself seriously. That’s the promise you’re making to me as the reader and if that’s not what’s going to happen you might want to reconsider the opening.

The rest of the chapter worked better, but it’s short so I’m still in the process of forming an opinion on the world and the character of Vara. When you mentioned she lived in a tree I expected an elfish fantasy, but the butcher makes me think of a more modern setting. Either one might be interesting at this point.

As for Vara, with her sensitive ears I’m thinking some form of elf, but again, not enough detail to know for sure yet. I liked her fear of a simple lizard though, it’s a defining character moment and you need those right now.

As for chapter two, I get that a butcher has a lot of knives, but the way he throws them around makes me think he has too many. Also, my first impression is that he’s far too eager to cut off her hands.  Maybe that’s the times, the society or the culture, but I know nothing of those yet other than that this ‘isn’t a galaxy far, far away’.

You have some odd things here too, such as ‘wood splintering’. What from? The butcher is throwing knives, not axes.

Your math is also off. If three digometers equals four meters, than one digometer is 1.33 meters. Which means that one hundred digometers equals 133 meters ( (4/3)*100), not 101 meters. Also, the world is called “Dig” and they measure in “digometers”. Really? Is this the comedic element because, while I am laughing, it’s because this is remarkably bad. I’m sorry, but it is. Digometers add nothing to the setting and have no clear meaning. You know this since you put the ‘real’ distance in brackets. This is not a good solution.

MannyBrainpan

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Re: Untitled Fantasy Serial (Part 1- Butchers and Part 2)- 3/8/11
« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2011, 10:57:48 PM »
Once again, I get what you're saying. I started this whole thing off from as a promotion stunt on Facebook for my site. I had friends fill an adlib and I formed a story (loosely) from that. So when I first started writing this it was gonna be a very self-aware of the story, silly kind of tale. Now, I don't know. I am trying to blend the humor and seriousness more. And yeah, the opening bugged me at first too, so if I do a book, I'll probably change it. Once again, the butcher having so many knives and stuff was part of the more outrageous feel I had at the beginning. And yeah, digometers was supposed to be funny, there was no math behind it. (Thanks for doing the math, though.) I would always just add one. I even went so far (but later cut the gag) of putting, "a few digometers (a few and one meters)" but that kind of humor is really exclusive to the writer and just throws off readers. Thanks for the feedback though.
"It's a liger... it's pretty much my favorite animal." - Napoleon Dynamite