Author Topic: ReadingExcuses-0227-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH11-VLS  (Read 1846 times)

fireflyz

  • Level 5
  • *
  • Posts: 143
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
ReadingExcuses-0227-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH11-VLS
« on: February 28, 2011, 02:52:36 AM »
Previous Summaries:

Prologue:  In Media Res
  The prologue introduces us to Mathieu Bragadin, the protagonist.  As the title suggests, the reader is thrown into the midst of the conflict.


CH1:  What Does a Man Do?
  Mathieu is finally returning home with the army.  His entire life has been spent serving in the armies of the Doge.  The Doge's daughter (Doga) has recently made peace and is calling the army home to be mustered out.  As his comrades celebrate, Mathieu finds himself questioning his future in this new era of peace.


CH2:  Two Mistresses. 

Mathieu reacquaints himself with Servenza.  He seeks out his best friend, a prostitute named Cassandra. 


CH3:  The Flower of Battle

Despite misgivings, Mathieu begins his new life as a civilian, training young nobles in the art of dueling.


CH4:  The Making of an Enemy

Mathieu begins his work as a garzon of the rapier, but soon faces complications.


CH5:  A Color of Many Shades

Mathieu tells Cassandra of Carrera.  Cass urges him to be careful, but Mathieu can't get the past out of his mind.


CH6:  To Wear a Mask

Mathieu and Eduardo head out for a night of celebration. 


CH7:A Matter of Satisfaction

Mathieu recieves word of his investment and lets his emotions get the better of him...to what cost?

CH8:  When the Tongue Cuts Like the Sword

Mathieu and Carrera come to a resolution.


CH9:Dancing to the Piper's Tune

Mathieu recuperates at the Bent Man.  He is just beginning to realize the consequences of his actions.



CH10:  Walking the Knife's Edge

Mathieu finds himself an unwitting player in a very dangerous game.




Current Summary:



CH11:  A Little Something Extra



Mathieu begins to regret ignoring the physiker's orders.
Follow my journey from aspiring author to published phenom.  Along the way we'll discover the dos and don'ts of successful writing!

http://twitter.com/ryanvanloan

Juan Dolor

  • Level 5
  • *
  • Posts: 130
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
    • stupid LiveJournal thing
Re: ReadingExcuses-0227-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH11-VLS
« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2011, 03:37:45 PM »
Hi, I am just starting with Reading Excuses and I did not get your submission for this week.  If you send it to me, I would be happy to offer some feedback.

:)

akoebel

  • Level 5
  • *
  • Posts: 123
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
Re: ReadingExcuses-0227-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH11-VLS
« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2011, 09:51:12 PM »
I'm happy to see Marina enter the scene at last. I was beginning to wonder when she would appear or whether we had already seen her posing as somebody else. I still worry that it's a little late to introduce her, but we already covered that before.

The chapter is very interesting, but the accumulation of events is a little too much over the top for my taste : this guy is abducted 3 times in the same night by 3 different groups who all want to employ him (or already do), while a faction who wants him dead doesn't even show up (they must have very bad intelligence, since Mathieu seems so easy to find and kidnap).

I find also harder and harder to believe that Mathieu's humor isn't public knowledge at this time : it must be very difficult to hide the fact that you're a cold one while being a soldier, and the factions interested in him seem to have at least some capacity to gather information. So why the stupid mistake in making that drug?
I find that not only hard to believe, but also that it diminishes the Sicarii as a group to blunder like that.

Appealing to Mathieu's greed didn't work for me here, as I already had mixed feelings on his relationship to money in the preceding chapters.

And for Marina, I don't know if the Marina of the beginning of the chapter (the woman who enjoys brewing poison to kill specific people) really fits the kind and understanding person we see at the end. It didn't appear on the first read-through, so it's probably not that apparent.

Now, to the smaller things:

"He yawned.  It was a long, gaping affair." : gaping and affair didn't seem to go together here.

"His brain may have risen above the fog,but..." : The phrasing is a little strange here. I kept seeing a brain out of its skull floating above a cloud of fog. Quite funny, but not quite what you had in mind, I think.

"..and the direction that death will take the courses of others." : I had to re-read that sentence to get your meaning. Some rewording would help here, like "and the impact that death will have on the courses of other lives."

"The Sicarii never ask more than twice, Mathieu. " : At this point, they only have asked once. Do they count the second vial as asking twice?

As I do every week, I'm waiting for my next fix on monday :-)

fireflyz

  • Level 5
  • *
  • Posts: 143
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
Re: ReadingExcuses-0227-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH11-VLS
« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2011, 01:37:08 AM »
@akoebel, sent you a pm!  :-)
Follow my journey from aspiring author to published phenom.  Along the way we'll discover the dos and don'ts of successful writing!

http://twitter.com/ryanvanloan

Juan Dolor

  • Level 5
  • *
  • Posts: 130
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
    • stupid LiveJournal thing
Re: ReadingExcuses-0227-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH11-VLS
« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2011, 05:30:12 PM »
Quote
He cursed and opened his eyes
  Why not have him actually utter some kind of curse?  You clearly have no problem with using strong language, which is usually why people say someone cursed without saying what the curse is.  Plus, this would provide some flavor-- what do they curse by?  What do they consider profane?

Quote
Taken with his lightly tanned skin and blue eyes, the man was clearly a black humorist.
I take it that this means his dominant humor is black bile?  If so, why not use the classic name and say that he was "clearly melancholic"?  I'm familiar with the medieval idea of humors, but I still thought of Bill Cosby when I read "black humorist."

Quote
He couldn’t decide whether she was of the black or blue humours.
  Okay, since you have more humors than the classic four, and since you spell it humour here, why not say that the man is a black humourist.  Also, why do you italicize it here, and not above?  I don't care which, but I think it ought to be consistent.

Quote
“Other’s might say we poisoned you,” the woman added.
  others

Quote
if all you desired was to talk you had but only ask.  Especially you, my lady,” he added to the woman.  ...  He often thought such things while in the presence of attractive women, but never before had he the balls to speak them.
  Such things as: she only had to ask him  if she wanted to speak? This is pretty tame.  This is my introduction to the character, but he must be a shy fellow indeed if this is the kind of thing he never had the guts to say before.  Or are you talking about the f-bomb he dropped?  That doesn't make sense because it talks about how he often thought such things, which really seems to be about the flirtiness, not the dirtiness.

Quote
“We are of the Sicarii,” the woman said.
  The Sicarii are totally cool.  Does this assassins' guild take its name from the historical Sicarii?  Your story seems to take place in Renaissance Italy, so I think that's very plausible.  If not, are you sure you want to borrow the name of a real organization like this?  Just something to think about.

Quote
Even Cold Ones bleed, Mathieu.”
  Cool.  What are Cold Ones? Have they been introduced already?

Quote
“We are…an equal opportunity employer,” the man said dryly. 
  This is a great dry joke for anyone who has lived in America since 1964.  For anyone else, I would change this.  Maybe:  "We are not what you would call... discriminating."  Or: "We are not so.... noble as that."

Quote
He would take even a half chance over no chance any day.  “Non.”  He shook his head emphatically.  “Non, I am sorry but I cannot.”
  Okay, he has seen the face of the secret master of the secret guild of murdering poison assassins.  How on earth can he think that refusing this man is half a chance?  How can he think that this refusal will earn him anything other than death?  This guy is supposed to be a realist...?

Okay, I have to stop here because I have class, but I'll finish reading and reviewing later.  So far, I like it a lot!  Very fun!

Juan Dolor

  • Level 5
  • *
  • Posts: 130
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
    • stupid LiveJournal thing
Re: ReadingExcuses-0227-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH11-VLS
« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2011, 03:31:40 PM »
Quote
In your case, the blending of your parents was so well that it was hard to discern which parent held the most sway in your blood.
>> "...the blending of your parents' humours was so thorough that..."

Quote
“You did brew this to make him go numb, correct?” she asked.
  The earlier statement from her about loving unusual cases made me think that she was the one who did the brewing.

Quote
The man nodded and reached into his cape.  He pulled another vial out.  “Mathieu, your final chance.  The poison is working even faster than I’d hoped.  If you will join us now, I will give you the antidote.”
  He said they never ask more than twice.  This is the third time.  So I guess earlier he was just being dramatic.

Quote
The woman cursed and her face paled under her dark skin.  “He’s a Cold One.”
  So are Cold Ones immune to poison?  If so, how did they drug him to get him in the carriage?

Quote
   The Maestro’s hand trembled faintly.  “Non.  The information I received was correct.  It had to be.  It’s never been wrong before.  Never.  We do not make mistakes.  Never,” he whispered.
  This guy seemed too cool to fall apart this way.  I would tone this reaction down a bit.

Quote
“Much bloodshed,” she continued.  “I can see it in your mannerisms.  In the way your hand seeks for the hilt of your rapier.  The way your eyes never seem to stop moving.  They are nearly all white now, Mathieu.  How long have they been that way?  Five years?  Ten?  My brother served the Doge’s Army for twelve years before he took a bolt in his leg that left him incapable of walking.  You remind me of him,” she whispered.
   Mathieu swallowed the lump in his throat.  “I don’t like killing.  It tears at you, even after it’s stopped.  Because,” he looked up from the floor.  “It never stops.  Not up here,” he tapped his head.
  Something about this section rang false to me.  I'm not sure what.  Maybe it just sounds too modern. 

Anyhow, I really enjoyed reading your piece.  I like the setting, and I'm interested in how you use humours as a basis for your magic system.  Thanks for sharing!


fireflyz

  • Level 5
  • *
  • Posts: 143
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
Re: ReadingExcuses-0227-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH11-VLS
« Reply #6 on: March 05, 2011, 11:08:49 PM »
@ Juan

A lot of your questions are answered in the previous chapters.  I know you just joined (welcome!) so I obviously don't expect you to know that :-)

Some of the answers to your questions are that the "mistakes" are intentional.  For instance, the difference between humours, which is italicized and humorist which is not.  The main difference is the spelling and the meaning... mainly that humours are part of their religion and dominate their class structure and a humorist is just describing someone of those humours.  Semantics?  Yes, but intentionally so. 

Similarly, Mathieu's thought process when confronted by the Sicarii might not be the answer I'd chose when faced with assassins, but then again, he's more dangerous than I am and he doesn't realize he's been poisoned yet.


I'm glad that you thought the Maestro's reaction was too much.  I was aiming for that.  Something is off about the man/situation and I want the reader to be getting red flags from that.  If you're confused, so much the better.  It gets resolved later on.

I really appreciate your feedback.  Some of the line edits/grammar usage were very helpful.  Thanks!
Follow my journey from aspiring author to published phenom.  Along the way we'll discover the dos and don'ts of successful writing!

http://twitter.com/ryanvanloan