Author Topic: ReadingExcuses-0221-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH10-VLS  (Read 1544 times)

fireflyz

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ReadingExcuses-0221-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH10-VLS
« on: February 20, 2011, 08:25:24 PM »
Previous Summaries:

Prologue:  In Media Res
  The prologue introduces us to Mathieu Bragadin, the protagonist.  As the title suggests, the reader is thrown into the midst of the conflict.


CH1:  What Does a Man Do?
  Mathieu is finally returning home with the army.  His entire life has been spent serving in the armies of the Doge.  The Doge's daughter (Doga) has recently made peace and is calling the army home to be mustered out.  As his comrades celebrate, Mathieu finds himself questioning his future in this new era of peace.


CH2:  Two Mistresses. 

Mathieu reacquaints himself with Servenza.  He seeks out his best friend, a prostitute named Cassandra. 


CH3:  The Flower of Battle

Despite misgivings, Mathieu begins his new life as a civilian, training young nobles in the art of dueling.


CH4:  The Making of an Enemy

Mathieu begins his work as a garzon of the rapier, but soon faces complications.


CH5:  A Color of Many Shades

Mathieu tells Cassandra of Carrera.  Cass urges him to be careful, but Mathieu can't get the past out of his mind.


CH6:  To Wear a Mask

Mathieu and Eduardo head out for a night of celebration. 


CH7:A Matter of Satisfaction

Mathieu recieves word of his investment and lets his emotions get the better of him...to what cost?

CH8:  When the Tongue Cuts Like the Sword

Mathieu and Carrera come to a resolution.


CH9:Dancing to the Piper's Tune

Mathieu recuperates at the Bent Man.  He is just beginning to realize the consequences of his actions.


Current Summary



CH10:  Walking the Knife's Edge



Mathieu finds himself an unwitting player in a very dangerous game.
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hubay

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Re: ReadingExcuses-0221-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH10-VLS
« Reply #1 on: February 23, 2011, 05:30:37 AM »
Alright, Well I think your opening paragraph starts with a lot of very short, punchy sentences, and while it gets the chapter flowing right away I think you need a little more variety in the sentence structure.

I think the chapter was well done, though I'm not sure what to think about the bit where they misjudge Matthieu's past. It sound like you wanted to write it so there's a little uncertainty as to which group actually knew the truth. Regardless of whether or not that's the case, I think you need to have a more immediate reaction from matthieu. Right now it just seems a bit confused.

Other than that, the only real problems were a couple of word choice issues.

In paragraph 5, where you say "...finding it impossible to remove" I think it would make more sense to say something like restrain or hold back. I know you're referring to the tone in his voice, but I just don't think of anger as something you can just yank out. you have to control it. Another word choice: I think it would make more sense to masquerade instead of 'masked balls,' unless you don't want the word masquerade in your world. I just think it sounds smoother.

near the end when you say "the man was many things, but a faithful servant was one of them" I think that sounds off, just because that phrase is never written in the positive (it's always 'wasn't one of them', not WAS). So it would make more sense to say 'corales was many things, but unfaithful wasn't one of them.' or something along those lines.

I feel like we've hit the first pinch/twist whatever you want to call it, and so far I'm still intrigued. I enjoyed that matthieu is finding real reasons to possibly ally himself with these people, even though they are manipulating him.

Also, do you think you could re-email me your two mistresses chapter? The file I got for that one was corrupt and I never got a chance to read it.


akoebel

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Re: ReadingExcuses-0221-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH10-VLS
« Reply #2 on: February 23, 2011, 11:05:13 PM »
Hi,

Little side note on Hubay's comments about wrong word choices : I often don't comment on those (or typos or small grammar errors) and leave them out of my critique. If you want me to include them, please say so, and I'll incorporate them in the following critiques.

To the chapter now : I begin to see the plot at least moving a little forward, so I'm a little relieved about my earlier concerns. I still enjoy your chapters very much and want to read on. No cliffhanger this time, so I can't complain :-)


As said Hubay, there are a lot of short sentences at the beginning of the chapter, and while they do convey a sense of disorientation that we can share with the character, I thought that the flow of the first two sentences didn't work for me : I think they would work better if they were only separated with a coma, or a 'and'.

On the part where Mathieu does bring his dagger out of his boot without using his hands, and not contorting himself, I'm not sure that's possible (at least, not without hurting yourself).

I liked the fact that Mathieu names his hosts after the masks they're wearing (smiley, schoolmistress, ...). It felt quite real for someone in his position to do just that.

I was a little disoriented by the exchange about his family : as we don't know much about Mathieu's past, I couldn't be sure who had the right of it, and even though Mathieu doesn't give credence to their story, I felt like there was perhaps something there. Maybe that was the effect you wanted to achieve, but the result was that I slowed down in my reading, trying to see if I could detect who was right.

"Who would suspect a simple soldier of being a Cold One" : I had thought that this was common knowledge. Certainly, his friends knew that, and I don't see humors as something you can easily hide (people seem to be able to detect humors on sight), so why use an obvious spy.

As you can see, nothing really troublesome this week. I'm anxious to see how all of that unfolds...

fireflyz

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Re: ReadingExcuses-0221-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH10-VLS
« Reply #3 on: February 24, 2011, 01:32:12 PM »
Thanks for the feedback guys!  @hubay, emailed you the chapter.
Follow my journey from aspiring author to published phenom.  Along the way we'll discover the dos and don'ts of successful writing!

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