Author Topic: ReadingExcuses-0214-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH9-VLS  (Read 1682 times)

fireflyz

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ReadingExcuses-0214-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH9-VLS
« on: February 13, 2011, 03:31:28 PM »
Previous Summaries:

Prologue:  In Media Res
  The prologue introduces us to Mathieu Bragadin, the protagonist.  As the title suggests, the reader is thrown into the midst of the conflict.


CH1:  What Does a Man Do?
  Mathieu is finally returning home with the army.  His entire life has been spent serving in the armies of the Doge.  The Doge's daughter (Doga) has recently made peace and is calling the army home to be mustered out.  As his comrades celebrate, Mathieu finds himself questioning his future in this new era of peace.


CH2:  Two Mistresses. 

Mathieu reacquaints himself with Servenza.  He seeks out his best friend, a prostitute named Cassandra. 


CH3:  The Flower of Battle

Despite misgivings, Mathieu begins his new life as a civilian, training young nobles in the art of dueling.


CH4:  The Making of an Enemy

Mathieu begins his work as a garzon of the rapier, but soon faces complications.


CH5:  A Color of Many Shades

Mathieu tells Cassandra of Carrera.  Cass urges him to be careful, but Mathieu can't get the past out of his mind.


CH6:  To Wear a Mask

Mathieu and Eduardo head out for a night of celebration. 


CH7:A Matter of Satisfaction

Mathieu recieves word of his investment and lets his emotions get the better of him...to what cost?

CH8:  When the Tongue Cuts Like the Sword



Mathieu and Carrera come to a resolution.




Current Summary:



CH9:Dancing to the Piper's Tune


Mathieu recuperates at the Bent Man.  He is just beginning to realize the consequences of his actions.
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hubay

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Re: ReadingExcuses-0214-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH9-VLS
« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2011, 06:55:04 AM »
Well I don't have too much to say right off the bat, but I'll try to get a little more in-depth tomorrow.

Overall the chapter is well-done, but the first half is mostly introspection and a bit of dialogue. You already have some actions happening to give it more meat, but I think you could expand upon it so Matheiu seems to actively trying to do something through all the talking and thinking. It could be as simple as trying to find something special, or sit up straight.

So far most of the girls seem to fall right into Matthieu's lap. In general this works; it fits with his persona and the feel of the times. It's a pretty common thing for literature about renaissance italy. But you run the risk of him being too charming. Most of the women seem to be making the first move – which is sometimes good, but isn't very realistic unless Mattheiu is charming by virtue of his silence. I wouldn't mind seeing him hit on a girl a little more aggressively (unless that isn't his thing) or else be rejected by a girl or have someone treat him with disdain from the get-go. On the other hand, I haven't truly seen him interact with anyone romantically after Cassandra, so it's hard to say how his character handles love.

Lastly, I don't think you need to change this, but watch out for ending too many chapter with your narrator being knocked out. Plot-wise it makes a lot of sense here, but it's always been a pet peeve of mine when writers do this as a means to skip over action at the beginning or end of a book.

akoebel

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Re: ReadingExcuses-0214-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH9-VLS
« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2011, 02:43:01 PM »
As always, a very interesting chapter.

I worry a little that there are too many cliffhangers in your chapter endings. I know that feeling is probably magnified in a writing group, since we only get to have the next page in a week, and that if I had been reading a real book, I wouldn't have minded, but still, try not to get one at the end of every chapter; save them for important moments (not to say that this moment wasn't important).
I know that some very succesful authors do that a lot, but to me it becomes old really quick.

Part I - With the doctor / friend

What bothered me there was the extensive medical knowledge of your medic : being able to repair a nicked artery seems well beyond the abilities of that period, as is the surgical reattachment of a bone chip. If the medic used some sort of magic to perform this, you might want to include a reference to it in the text.
Furthermore, I don't think someone could survive for long with a pierced femoral artery, unless the wound was immediately pressured, which wasn't the case. And surgery at that time was a risky business at best, with infections often deadly. Of course, I'm no medical expert and I could be wrong here.
I believe that in this case, less description would work better, since the more details you put in, the less I believed what I read. You could use more generic phrases like 'you lost too much blood' to explain his weakness, I think.

I also wondered, since the medic did advise against him getting out of bed :
 - why hadn't she made sure he would be fed in his bed?
 - why didn't he listen to her and go down anyway?
 - was he really capable of putting on trousers with a barely closed wound?
These are not really a critique on my part, just questions. I suppose that this character is so thick-headed that he would have gone down whatever anyone said.

The introduction of the Doga's letter did actually spark much of my interest. It brings out another facet to the character (is he really an established spy?).

Part II - Down in the inn

That part felt a little quicker than the first one. Yet another girl trying her charms on him. Is this a general trait for women in this world to be that forward? I commented on that when I saw Sasha, but this is beginning to feel more like a world-building thing than a given character quirk.

I wouldn't expect smugglers to have regular clothes made by tailors, just regular clothes : what use could it be to have a fancy tailor cut you plain clothes, especially if almost anyone could tell the difference? Could you use something else than the clothes cut to have him come to the same conclusions?

I think you could have made the abduction a little more painful for the protagonist : after all, he's recovering from a bad injury, and the guards aren't treating that nicely. There should be some screaming involved at least (even if it's repressed screaming)!

To sum it up, I loved the piece; beware of using details that aren't believable given the time period, or explain why we should believe them.

Waiting for the next piece!



 

fireflyz

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Re: ReadingExcuses-0214-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH9-VLS
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2011, 01:20:41 AM »
Hey guys, thanks for the feedback!   

@akoebel, I know you said that the physiker scene wasn't a critique, but more questions, so I just wanted to address the surgical aspect.

I actually intended the scene to show how differently Cold Ones are from the rest of the populace.  i.e. wounds healing at an incredible rate, advanced rate of recovery, and the like.  You're quite correct, akoebel, in that a pierced femoral artery would normally cause death.  In this case, it was nicked, which is a minor departure, but as Mathieu is a Cold One, it did not kill him.  It did take him several days to recover, so it's not like he's super human by any stretch of the imagination.  Perhaps I'll add Eduardo putting a swift tourniquet around his leg before putting him in the boat or maybe make the physiker less sure of themselves.

The physiker isn't infalliable though.   Who's to say she was completely right in her diagnose/hope of treatment?  I, for one, always thought she was too eager to experiment on a comatose patient.  I think she would have been one of the types caught for body stealing before dissections were legalized.

When I wrote the scene I had already done quite an extensive bit of research into physicians.  It wasn't concering surgery, but rather plant/drug purposes.  Having said that, I stumbled upon some interesting tidbits.  Surgery was performed by Muslims well before the time period of this story.  Dissections were commonplace in Europe once the Vatican gave theirr approval.The humours that run through the people in my story enhance their natural attributes.  If say a warrior from our world went up against one from theirs, ours would lose.  In much the same way, a physiker of that time is more advanced than a physician of our world around the same time.

Having said all of this, I just wanted to let you know I didn't pull it out of thin air.  I've tried to carefully craft the technology and sciences of the period.  The main difference between rennaisciance Italy and Servenza is that the rare advances in Italy are common and perhaps even mundance in Servenza.

Mathieu's wound is closed by this point.  In fact, by the time he hobbles down the stairs it's already loosened up.  His main weakness now is loss of blood.  His humours may have sustained him, but they need time to replenish.  Time he might not have...

I'm glad you liked it!  Definitely keeping me on my toes and aware of what areas I provide too much detail.


Here's a very interesting, concise (read:  short) article about a muslim physician who died in 1013 near Cordoba.  His works were printed in Venice in 1471.  Amazing how advanced Moorish Spain was at the time.

http://www.ummah.com/history/scholars/el_zahrawi/
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akoebel

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Re: ReadingExcuses-0214-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH9-VLS
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2011, 06:07:30 PM »
Well, since I do not have much to say writing-wise, I'm forced to comment on the setting :-)

If you're saying that "Cold ones" have enhanced healing capabilities, I would advise you to show it on an earlier chapter, so that in chapter 9, nobody raises an eyebrow when someone with a grave injury gets out of bed in only 4 days.
Maybe you could add to the first scene with the two girls fighting at school and show how a small wound on a cold one heals in minutes (you can maybe use Mena for this purpose) .

That might pose some exposition problems, since right now you've handled it rather well : adding more could upset that fragile balance.

For the Arabs : being an astronomer myself, I agree that their scholars were much more advanced than european ones at the time :-)