Author Topic: ReadingExcuses-0207-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH8-VLS  (Read 1729 times)

fireflyz

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ReadingExcuses-0207-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH8-VLS
« on: February 06, 2011, 02:33:51 PM »
Previous Summaries:

Prologue:  In Media Res
  The prologue introduces us to Mathieu Bragadin, the protagonist.  As the title suggests, the reader is thrown into the midst of the conflict.


CH1:  What Does a Man Do?
  Mathieu is finally returning home with the army.  His entire life has been spent serving in the armies of the Doge.  The Doge's daughter (Doga) has recently made peace and is calling the army home to be mustered out.  As his comrades celebrate, Mathieu finds himself questioning his future in this new era of peace.


CH2:  Two Mistresses. 

Mathieu reacquaints himself with Servenza.  He seeks out his best friend, a prostitute named Cassandra. 


CH3:  The Flower of Battle

Despite misgivings, Mathieu begins his new life as a civilian, training young nobles in the art of dueling.


CH4:  The Making of an Enemy

Mathieu begins his work as a garzon of the rapier, but soon faces complications.


CH5:  A Color of Many Shades

Mathieu tells Cassandra of Carrera.  Cass urges him to be careful, but Mathieu can't get the past out of his mind.


CH6:  To Wear a Mask

Mathieu and Eduardo head out for a night of celebration. 


CH7:A Matter of Satisfaction

Mathieu recieves word of his investment and lets his emotions get the better of him...to what cost?

Current Summary:



CH8:  When the Tongue Cuts Like the Sword



Mathieu and Carrera come to a resolution.
Follow my journey from aspiring author to published phenom.  Along the way we'll discover the dos and don'ts of successful writing!

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hubay

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Re: ReadingExcuses-0207-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH8-VLS
« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2011, 02:03:59 AM »
The opening sequence of this chapter works pretty well, you manage to make Carrerra someone I can empathize with, even if he's still hateable.

The paragraph where you explain a wheel lock is unnecessarily long. I know you like your history, and the early development of firearms is something I find fascinating, too. But in the midst of the duel, after he just talks about how he should put thoughts aside for later, it ends up slowing down the action. You could probably condense it into a sentence that just said "the weapon was complicated enough to require a clockmaker's touch, but it was deadly accurate..." or something along that vein.

The duel itself was very well-written, and I thought the tension was handled excellently. As a minor quibble I don't think you need to say "black matte" in front of stiletto, when describing how it saved his life. It's kind of like saying "my silk armani suit protected my from the poisonous acid thrown at my face."

I don't know what to think of having quotation marks around 'boom!' because it made me think someone yelled it.

I'm not quite sure if Matthieu's actions at the end of the duel –  firing even after his honor was upheld – was merely cruel or actually dishonorable. Perhaps you could show a reaction from the crowd that would explain this (angry mutters, gasps, you know).

Otherwise, I quite enjoyed this chapter. I'm expecting it to set the stage for a great deal of conflict.

akoebel

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Re: ReadingExcuses-0207-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH8-VLS
« Reply #2 on: February 08, 2011, 08:12:04 AM »
Hi,

I'll make a more detailed critique later today, but there's something that is starting to bother me.
We're in chapter 8 (9 if I count the prologue). That far into the book, I should already have a vague idea about what the main story arc is about (some people say it has to be introduced by chapter 3, but since your chapters aren't that long, you can push it back a little)

The way I see it, we have conflict all over the place, but no real story arc established yet.

I have to guess that the main story arc involves the woman that the protagonist kills in the prologue, but that woman hasn't been introduced in the story yet (unless you misdirected us).

I hope that I'm wrong and that all those elements are really there but I can't see them; right now, I feel like we're moving a little too slowly (despite all the action we've seen so far), waiting for the story to start.

akoebel

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Re: ReadingExcuses-0207-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH8-VLS
« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2011, 11:20:40 PM »
Ok, I'm back for a more extended critique.

First, thanks for the duel scene, it was very nice to read. You still managed to have me hooked after 9 chapters.

Aside from the fears I mentioned in the previous reply, I do have some comments about this particular installment:

* I found that Carrera's reversal didn't quite work for me at the beginning of the chapter : we have someone who was introduced as a bad guy suddenly appear human. At one point, I even wondered if it was an act on the character's part (since apparently, cold ones can hear very well) to induce some sympathy in his opponent, thus weakening him.

* Side note on the firearm's mechanism : since the bullets are still loaded as usual, I don't see the point in having a complicated triggering mechanism : a flintlock, while sometimes not igniting the powder, still works quite well in that respect and would fire quicker than a spring mechanism. Early firearms weren't accurate because they lacked the rifling inside the barrel that makes bullets spin on themselves, not because of the flintlock. On a more literary note, you don't need to describe the mechanism in such levels of detail.

* If I understand the positioning correctly, Matthieu had his right side facing the bullet and was hit in the right hip (so that would be a square hit). How comes the bullet ricocheted? On what part? I didn't understand how a dagger hilt hidden in a boot could provoke that

* "Coupled with his sudden change..." : the transition between this sentence and the previous one didn't seem smooth enough.

I really liked having the protagonist decide to fire anyway in the end : I hate it when heroes do the right thing!

Nice job. I'll be happy to read you next week.

fireflyz

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Re: ReadingExcuses-0207-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH8-VLS
« Reply #4 on: February 09, 2011, 12:42:09 AM »
Thanks for the fast feedback!

I just wanted to make some quick remarks.

@hubay.  Thanks for the suggestion regarding the wheel lock point.  I really like that sentence.  I like to think I'm good at killing my darlings, but that one managed to slip by.  Your suggestion is simple and still conveys what it needs to :-)

As to Mathieu taking the shot anyway, I'll just point out that he's recently back from the wars (and suffering from ptsd), he's just had some very bad financial news, he's been upset over Carrera due to their history, and when given the chance Carrera wanted to continue the duel when Mathieu was injured.  Share and share alike?  I don't think Mathieu's decision was the most honorable.  I struggled with it, but I had to be real to the character.  And I think the character, in that split second decision, isn't thinking of honor.  It's unfortunate, but I've never liked heroes without flaws.  As to your last comment, I think you're going to like the next chapter alot.

@akoebel
I too worry that the main arc is a little slow in appearing.  I've had half a dozen alpha readers go through it though and they haven't seemed to mind.  I think it might be the nature of a single chapter a week as I do think it's a fast read up to the introduction of the conflict.  Having said that, I think I need to get more first time readers because it is definitely a pause for concern.  Thanks for pointing it out..I've got some thinking to do.

As to the richochet, Mathieu was facing Carrera with a profile view, his right leg forward.  The ball struck the inside of his thigh where his stiletto was.  It struck his stiletto hilt and richocheted off.  The leg still took the brunt of the force and shards from the hilt/ball hit his leg.  I might need to work on that part to make it clearer to the reader. 

During this timeframe flintlocks haven't been invented yet.  Initially, firearms were fired using slow burning matches that were really pieces of rope.  The invention of the trigger used that to lower the match to the touch hole.  This led to a variety of issues.  Outright misfires of course, but also an unpredictable delay in firing.  Wheel locks were the next step in the evolution, utilizing an internal firing mechanism that still had misfires and a delay, but much more predictable when they did fire.  Flintlocks came after as a simpler mechanism that was stillmore predictable than the matchlock.

You're quite correct that the rifling had more to do with accuracy than the trigger mechanism.  In Mathieu's time, wheellocks are a new, rare invention, and the predictability of the firing made them easier to aim and thereby more accurate than matchlocks, though not nearly as accurate as the rifled flintlock or percussion. 

Thanks again for the feedback, definitely some things to look at!
Follow my journey from aspiring author to published phenom.  Along the way we'll discover the dos and don'ts of successful writing!

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akoebel

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Re: ReadingExcuses-0207-fireflyz-WrittenInBlood-CH8-VLS
« Reply #5 on: February 09, 2011, 11:36:40 AM »
Well, it seems that I've put my big foot once again inside my even bigger mouth : I had completely forgotten about the matchlocks, though it would have been fun to see a matchlock duel :-) It's strange to think that such a complex thing as a wheellock has been invented before the flintlock when humans have been using flints to generate sparks for millenia.

I don't know exactly how accurate those weapons were at 30 paces, but it seems like your characters do hit fairly easily. Maybe you could have some of the shots go wide to show that hitting a target with these is quite difficult ?

On the ricochet part, it's a little clearer now that you explained it : you might want to add the thing about shards in there, because otherwise, I couldn't explain the blood, since a simple ricochet should "only" produce a bruise.