Author Topic: Jan 17, 2011 - Renoard - The Bullfinch and the General  (Read 1959 times)

Renoard

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Jan 17, 2011 - Renoard - The Bullfinch and the General
« on: January 17, 2011, 09:31:58 PM »
Just to prove that I am flexible enough to write without a VLDS tag. :P

This is a little fairy tale, or a long one perhaps, that I wrote as background material for my current novel. These are the sort of Faerie Tales that a character in the world of Redmantle might have grown up with. I've posted it to my blog previously, but since I have so little readership it's very similar to unpublished. :P Just remember this is a Faerie Tale, not a formal shortstory.

For newbies feel free to be honest, I may ask you to clarify where you think your cirtique is plain, but I look forward to seeing the real opinion. Think of it this way, if you had really bad BO and and didn't notice and your sister let you leave the house that way, I think you'd be rather upset by that. Tough critique is being honest enough to help. ;)
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Asmodemon

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Re: Jan 17, 2011 - Renoard - The Bullfinch and the General
« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2011, 09:06:56 PM »
Well, it's certainly different. Right from the start you invoke in my mind a panorama shot of the two kingdoms and armies, followed by getting closer to the action while a voice-over provides some information on the setting. Part of me thinks it's a shame you don't get right into a character, but instead hover around all of them.

As you said though, you're going for a fairy tale and not an actual short story. In the former it works very well, and I liked it, though I did have some trouble getting into it because of the lack of a focal character, the large amount of setting information you're providing, and the formal old-English style.  I think I started to get really into it when you started to focus on Adyith.

So while I did like it, that like is very dependent on knowing that this is a fairy tale from a different world (though the inclusion of a 'Russia' means this world is probably an alternate Earth). Without that knowledge the story doesn't easily stand for itself.

Renoard

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Re: Jan 17, 2011 - Renoard - The Bullfinch and the General
« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2011, 01:41:10 AM »
Thanks,

I appreciate the comments.

Yes a world like our own, called terra and centering around a mainland continent called n'Far Lugada or just Lugada and an Island empire half a large as the continent called Albion.

I'm surprised that in the context of a fairy tale it didn't stand on it's own. I'll have to give that some thought. I do hope others find the time to comment. The more the merrier.
You can always get what you want if you never count the cost.

akoebel

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Re: Jan 17, 2011 - Renoard - The Bullfinch and the General
« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2011, 10:30:47 PM »
Congratulations, I think you captured the style for that type of stories; I really liked the use of old flowery English and the short phrases. It reminded me why I loved so much the Silmarillon.

The only real thing that bothered me throughout the story was the names : Albion, Englemark, Finnland, ... Those are too reminiscent of real earth names for me not to think that this is some kind of earth setting. I think using different names might have been a little bit easier for me to read.

Two phrases didn't work for me near the end : "So much for them. / So much for them, and for us all." as I found that the style did clash with the rest of the tale. I was a little disappointed that one of the phrases I didn't like did end up being the last one in the story; I would have loved to end on a better note.

Just a remark about the copyright thingy : I'm told that it's not only unnecessary to put it in, but that it can actually hurt you if it's there.

Again, really good job on the style, I really enjoyed that read.

Renoard

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Re: Jan 17, 2011 - Renoard - The Bullfinch and the General
« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2011, 12:11:52 AM »
Thanks. That was a very flattering response.

The Copyright thing is necessary on this piece because of where I have posted it other than here.
You can always get what you want if you never count the cost.

fireflyz

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Re: Jan 17, 2011 - Renoard - The Bullfinch and the General
« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2011, 02:15:57 PM »
I liked it.  It is definitely in the spirit of Faerie Tales of old.  I will say that the exceptionally long paragraphs took a while to get used to.  I don't know if you should change that, by the end it was fine, it just took some adjustment.  Also, the learning curve is rather steep as a lot of names, places, and races are bandied about.  The story is intriguing and well written, so it kept me reading until my mind acccepted all of the different tags.  I will leave it up to you if you want to whittle them down or leave it as it is. 

Really, the only critique I have is a few writing errors.

In one of the beginning paragraphs you're talking about the giants and the sentences are all "were" this and "were" that and then you have a sentence:

And to make a hard situation yet more fell, men at sea cannot gather nor mill, neither can they sow.

I think it should be could not gather nor mill, neither could they sow.  That way you have the same tense throughout.

This line towards the end made no sense, I think you left a word out by accident:
Aellir's slight and the princess, obvious dislike filled Goeener with a cold and calculating rage.


Really, that's about all I can offer as a critique.  I liked the story, it was well written and for those who have any background knowledge in the lands of Fae, the older characters were recognizable, which is always nice.  I'm not sure what you could do with a story like this as far as publishing goes.  Perhaps if you were to keep adding stories in this same world and hold them until you're published somewhere else.  I could see a recognized author being able to release a collection of faerie tales.  Either way, well done!
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fireflyz

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Re: Jan 17, 2011 - Renoard - The Bullfinch and the General
« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2011, 02:52:45 PM »
Oh and akoebel is right.  Lose the last line. The story stands on it's own and the last line seems cheesy to me.
Follow my journey from aspiring author to published phenom.  Along the way we'll discover the dos and don'ts of successful writing!

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Renoard

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Re: Jan 17, 2011 - Renoard - The Bullfinch and the General
« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2011, 07:19:51 AM »
Thanks,

I appreciate the comments. Expecially I appreciate you pointing out that line that got garbled. It seems I put a comma where a possessive should have been:

Aellir's slight and the princess', obvious dislike filled Goeener with a cold and calculating rage.
You can always get what you want if you never count the cost.