Author Topic: October 18 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter 16  (Read 461 times)

Asmodemon

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October 18 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter 16
« on: October 18, 2010, 07:21:53 PM »
In chapter sixteen the group moves on after a cold night and a failed attempt at foraging.

fireflyz

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Re: October 18 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter 16
« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2010, 10:58:56 PM »
He gave her a wry look. “You don't really think that.”
She gave a short laugh.

You can get away with he gave her a wry look, but the gave a short laugh is passive.  Instead try She chuckled or she laughed.

The prose is sharp, short, but you're tending to repeat words a sentence down.  Ex. either, again.  This is something that on a second read through you can switch  out one of the words for something different...just pointing it out. 

The Fang of Long Nights, appearing even larger than he had in Overlook, was right there, appearing to be smiling, if that was possible on a snout.

The sentence is too long, and incredibly awkward.  Also, I think it needs to be its own paragraph.  I read down a little bit before I realized that this thing was actually there and attacking her. 

I'm confused, are there two beasts?  You switch between Fang of Long Nights and Fang of Winter.


Criticism aside, I liked the chapter.  It was nice to see Rosalin step up and the dynamic between her and Amaryllis is definitely propelling this forward.  Personally, I think that you should combine the last chapter with this one.  Lose the whole fishing scene completely and just add teh conversation with Amaryllis and Rosalyn as they are traveling over the pass and then shift to the beginning of this chapter.  I think that would tighten it up and move the pace foward much better.  Just my opinion.  I'm interested to see Rosalyn's further evolution.
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