Author Topic: October 11 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter 15  (Read 474 times)

Asmodemon

  • Level 6
  • *
  • Posts: 175
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
October 11 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter 15
« on: October 11, 2010, 09:47:44 PM »
The second day in the mountains, low on supplies, Rosalin and the others go into a valley where they hope to replenish their supplies.

fireflyz

  • Level 5
  • *
  • Posts: 143
  • Fell Points: 0
    • View Profile
Re: October 11 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter 15
« Reply #1 on: October 13, 2010, 10:55:23 PM »
I haven't read your beginning chapters, so perhaps I'm missing something.  I liked the intro which I'm guessing is supposed to be in italics.  As a sidenote, a lot of agents I've read seem to agree that italics is acceptable as we're no longer using typewriters.  To be fair, I've seen a few that lean the other way, but not many.  I'm really confused by the change in tense from past to present.  It threw me out of the story...I don't understand it and I don't like it.

Also, first sentence, unless I'm reading it incorrectly you have a POV error.  The story seems third person limited, but you tell the reader what the little girl is or isn't willing to do outside of any character's voice. 

"When she found herself walking with Amaryllis, going at the girl's fast pace, a considerable distance formed between them and the others. Rosalin couldn't ignore this sudden private moment between them."

EIther take out the first period and replace with comma or take out "When."  I'd remove when as its passive voice.  I don't like "this" and would replace it with "the" but that's a personal choice.

The wind gave a howl.  It's passive, I'd use the wind howled.

"Rosalin was doubtfully watching Kalimeris' every step away from them. "  Again with passive voice..

I liked getting into Rosalin's head more.  It was nice to see her doubts, fears, ambititons.  It's alright that she doesn't have an answer to Amaryllis's question, but I hope that her arc has her discovering that answer.  Outside of that, the latter half of the chapter seemed somewhat pointless.  I know that sometimes its nice to have a chapter where not much happens to give the reader a chance to breathe.  That's fine, but I'd make sure to work on another facet...perhaps some dialogue amongst the group that puts a strain on one or more members, or even conflict over the lack of food.  Something that adds dimension to the scene but doesn't neccessarily make the reader's head spin.
Follow my journey from aspiring author to published phenom.  Along the way we'll discover the dos and don'ts of successful writing!

http://twitter.com/ryanvanloan