Author Topic: October 4 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter 14  (Read 716 times)

Asmodemon

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October 4 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter 14
« on: October 04, 2010, 09:40:26 PM »
And here we are with chapter fourteen already; the great mountains await.

RavenstarRHJF

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Re: October 4 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter 14
« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2010, 01:57:13 PM »
I didn't get an email from you this time around...
A crown does not a King make, nor the lack of one a commoner.

LongTimeUnderdog

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Re: October 4 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter 14
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2010, 05:55:10 AM »
Don't have it either.  Sorry dude.

Asmodemon

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Re: October 4 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter 14
« Reply #3 on: October 09, 2010, 01:15:45 PM »
That's weird. I sent it to you again, hopefully this time it will arrive.

LongTimeUnderdog

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Re: October 4 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter 14
« Reply #4 on: October 10, 2010, 01:00:49 AM »
Still don't have it.  But I wonder if that's my email and not you.

LongTimeUnderdog

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Re: October 4 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter 14
« Reply #5 on: October 10, 2010, 02:50:31 AM »
Finally getting the piece, I have to say it was enjoyable.  I think, in your future drafts, you should pay more attention to how much time is passing.  Halfway through the piece they had been walking for some 6 hours, and more before that.  But night seems so far away still.  They eventually stop to make a fireless camp . . . . but it seems only because it's "time to stop," not because it's getting late, or they're tired . . . or whatever.

I still have a disinterest in Dias, but this chapter did a lot of work to dispel part of that.

Once again, your use of breaks seems haphazard and silly.  If you cut ever # from the chapter and squished all those parts together, you would lose absolutely no coherency and it would actually read smoother.  Seriously, you should just try writing without actually using them . . . at all.  Unless there is an actual PoV change.  I bet you'll like it better.  Still can't see why you break the Dias chapters the way you do. 

RavenstarRHJF

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Re: October 4 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter 14
« Reply #6 on: October 18, 2010, 02:42:30 AM »
Character-arc wise, you've got a good thing going on here.  I can see now why he'd want to be there, but I'm still missing the crucial event that made Senna and Kalimeris agree to let him come in the first place.

One note: sometimes you describe things strangely.  Not strange things, just ordinary everyday occurrences.  For example-
Quote
They waited together for the first hand to reach their side. It was large, encased in brown leather that had withstood a lot of wear and tear already. A bracer followed and then Kalimeris heaved himself up.
At the beginning of the description, you separate the hand from the person it's attached to.  This in turn, distances the reader from the character- or at least, it does for me.  The mystery of "who's hand is it" leads me to think there's a surprise coming.  Instead, it's just Kalimeris.  And it doesn't make much sense for Dais not to look over the side to see who's coming up first.  In itself, it's not a bad way of describing an event- certainly it's a very good word picture- but seeing as how we've already been introduced to everyone in the party, it's counter-productive. 
A crown does not a King make, nor the lack of one a commoner.