Author Topic: September 27 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter 13  (Read 591 times)

Asmodemon

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September 27 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter 13
« on: September 27, 2010, 07:34:16 PM »
In chapter thirteen of "The Citadel of Thorns" Rosalin has to deal with the repercussions of making a deal with Rosen.

RavenstarRHJF

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Re: September 27 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter 13
« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2010, 03:36:55 AM »
And finally we have some concrete decisions being made.  Also some hints as to why Kal and Senna are considered criminals.

One thing that didn't work for me was the first paragraph.  It was so vague and removed from the characters we're dealing with that at first I thought you'd sent us back to Overlook.  It's very poetic, but unfortunately broad enough to apply to the wretched humanity that must still be trapped there.  But if you're going to keep it intact, I would suggest moving around the order of sentences in paragraph 2.  I'd start it with "This morning awakened life, instead of tormenting it," and then go on from there.  That way you've got your juxtaposition of mornings and the two paragraphs mesh much better.

Also, this beginning implies that whoever's narrating has just awakened, but when we see the interaction I get the impression that they've all been up for a while.  There's a disconnect somewhere.

After that, though, it goes a lot smoother.  I am surprised to find Kalimeris and Senna casually discussing their possible journey to the coast in company with people they don't trust and may not journey on with- they seemed much more cautious than that back in Overlook.  And, much as I hate to say it, I'm still not seeing why Dais is even with them to begin with.  He's just a kid, and you've implied both that he's some kind of hero (or supposed to be someday), and that Kal and Senna rescued him from some kind of animal (which says to me that he's an ineffective and bumbling hero).  And his rather childish assertions that he can be helpful really aren't helping at all.  I'm thinking we need to see a bit of his backstory earlier than now to explain why he's here.

The scene where Rosalin is trying to figure out what to say to the group also needs a little work.  The internalization works pretty well, except that you don't support it through observation.  We need to see facial expressions, shifts in body language, to support Rosalin's thoughts.

Hope this was helpful!  It was an enjoyable read.  I like it when decisions are made. :)
A crown does not a King make, nor the lack of one a commoner.

fireflyz

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Re: September 27 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter 13
« Reply #2 on: October 02, 2010, 04:56:22 PM »
Avoid passive voice, if you can.  Instead of, "Birds were singing, foliage was rustling."  "Birds sang.  Foliage rustled."  There are some awkward sentences like, “She takes after her father,” Amaryllis said, suddenly, a look in her eyes that said within a moment that Rosalin aught to be grateful.    Again avoid passive voice, instead of "were crunched, "crunched."

This is the first chapter I've read so obviously I'm a bit in the dark as to what's going on.  I think using italics for thoughts would make it easier to discern Rosalin's thoughts.  The biggest issues with the actual prose is passive voice and awkward sentence structure.  If you concentrate on that then I think that it will improve the writing significantly.

I especially liked Rosalin's metaphor comparing her lie to a field of roses.  That was well done.  Even though I'm unfamliar with the story, I'm interested in the direction its heading and for just picking it up:  that's a good thing.
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Asmodemon

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Re: September 27 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter 13
« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2010, 09:18:27 PM »
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One thing that didn't work for me was the first paragraph.

I had a feeling it might not work. Occasionally I like to get a little poetic, but more often than not it doesn't work very well.

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And, much as I hate to say it, I'm still not seeing why Dais is even with them to begin with.

If there is one thing I consider my biggest oversight it's Dais's backstory. Compared to the others it is the weakest and that's not good for a major POV character. You're right, his position there doesn't seem deserved. I've been giving it a lot of thought and got some ideas for him that I'll work out in the next draft. That draft will see a major overhaul of his plotline.

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Hope this was helpful!

Definitely :)

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Avoid passive voice, if you can.

I thought I was, I'm sorry to say, but then I wasn't paying attention to it specifically. It's a bit disconcerting to see how much slipped through.

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This is the first chapter I've read so obviously I'm a bit in the dark as to what's going on.  I think using italics for thoughts would make it easier to discern Rosalin's thoughts.

Unfortunately in the case of Rosalin this isn't really possible, since there are more thoughts in her head than simply her own. There's another presence there, called Rosen, and his 'voice' uses italics at the moment.

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Even though I'm unfamiliar with the story, I'm interested in the direction its heading and for just picking it up:  that's a good thing.

Thanks, that's great to hear. If you want to read the earlier chapters just reply to my submission mail and I'll sent them to you.

LongTimeUnderdog

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Re: September 27 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter 13
« Reply #4 on: October 04, 2010, 03:45:32 AM »
I have to agree (short time to write) that using something to designate thoughts is actually a good idea.  But it's not a necessity.  If YOU think it would help make things clearer, consider using a different designation for Rosen's voice.  I secretly use French punctuation and I think it keeps things pretty separated.  And in case you don't know what that is:

  -  You have to trust me, Rosen said in her mind.

I think the color pink is the cutest color, Rosaline thought, trying to drown out the voice.

It's just a suggestion.  I think the text is fine the way it is.  Though it did take a little while to get used to it, I will say that.