Author Topic: September 13 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Eleven  (Read 471 times)

Asmodemon

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September 13 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Eleven
« on: September 13, 2010, 09:33:57 PM »
In chapter eleven we come to the end of the first part of the story. Enjoy, rip to shreds, or hammer me down if I write all confusing again ;)

RavenstarRHJF

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Re: September 13 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Eleven
« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2010, 10:11:37 PM »
Nope, definitely not as confusing as the last two installments.   ;D  Probably helps that we're in a different viewpoint.  Also, I think you're getting better at juggling the different people in the group.  It's still a little jumbled at times- there were places where I wasn't quite sure what was going through their heads, but overall it's a big improvement!

One... well, two minor things: I can understand Dais being unsettled by the revelation that Senna and Kalimaris are considered criminals by some people, but I wouldn't expect him to really start reacting to that until some more time has passed and he's had a chance to think about it.  It hasn't been that long between meeting the city guardsmen at the inn-battle and the escape to the wall, after all.  Now, granted, there might be something in his back-story that we don't see- something that makes him believe the guard captain over the evidence of his previous relationship with them, but... well, we don't see that. :-\

The second one is... it's going to be very hard to climb a rope that thin.  It would make more sense for them to walk up the wall using it as a handhold than outright climbing it.  It would make even more sense for them to tie the packs to the end of the rope and have Amaryllis pull them up first, and then climb up after- but perhaps they don't have time for that.
A crown does not a King make, nor the lack of one a commoner.

ErikHolmes

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Re: September 13 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Eleven
« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2010, 10:15:10 PM »
All in all I found the chapter interesting, especially Amaryllis. I wanted to see more of a confrontation between Rosalin and Black Rose.

But the chapter felt a little too rushed, I think you could easily make it longer, maybe focusing more on the confrontation with Rosalin and Black Rose, etc.

There were places where the writing was just confusing to me, I couldn't picture what was going on or the wording was just a little confusing. Paragraph two is a good example, it just seemed confusing. Another good example is this section right here:

Quote
“We will not have much time,” Kalimeris said. “Dais, shoulder your pack, you're first. Then you Sen.” the swordsman looked at Senna with the same sternness as he did everyone. The last time he had looked with kindness was before Overlook, Dais thought. “I'll be last; leave me if you must.”

“What's going on?” Dais asked. Doing as he was asked he quickly put the rucksack back on. From above the rope came down.  

“I can hear it too, like a rumbling horde of Chittins without a rose in their way,” Rosalin said.

Chittins? Roses? That didn't make sense, but rumbling, that's something Dais thought he could hear. “We've still got time, though, right?”

In this little section Dais asks whats going on before you tell us whats happening. It would be far less confusing if you told us what Dais heard, then his reaction to it.

Nothing really wrong with this though, its the kind of thing that looks a lot better in the next draft.
Who the hell is interrupting my Kung Fu!