Sept 14 - Derby - Prefessional Hitchhiker (revised) - Story (V, S)

[Derby]

Yesterday I waited for permission to submit, but it never came.     Neither did
refusal so here is my revised version of "Professional Hitchhiker."  A little
late as I waited until time to go to work and then I did not get home till
past midnight.

Some important oversites were brought to my attention and, after a great deal
of thought I have corrected the ones I felt had merit.  This lengthened the
story (more than double) but it still is very short.  The changes make the V
and S more prominent.

Derby

[RavenstarRHJF]

To start off with, this version feels a lot more coherent than the other.  It flows better, there's no obvious break between back-story and main plot, so good job!

Isis' motivation works, but I'm not sure you're showing it in the right way.  I'm getting more of a "victim mentality" vibe than a "revenge" vibe from her.  But it's still a lot more than you gave us before- you're headed in the right direction!

The ending still feels a little abrupt, especially since now I find myself caring about her- unlike the previous draft.  Again this comes down to you showing us reasons why she does what she does, and why she deserves the end she ultimately gets.  You did good on the motivation part, now you just need to work on the 'she deserves this' part.

[Asmodemon]

Yes, this version is much better than the last. We're still getting the same kind of information but by showing us Isis instead of telling us about Isis I'm much more engaged in the story. I can also sympathize with Isis by the end so the ending is actually sad instead of an 'oh?' moment.

In the first part of the story, before Isis meets the deaf man and his child, not a lot happens though, aside from Isis remembering things and talking to the woman. This can become boring if it drags on, but fortunately it's short enough so this doesn't quite happen.

Then when we're getting to Isis' intended mark, a man, we don't get a lot of time to actually see her in action. The ending is still very abrupt and it feel a bit heavy-handed to end with: “That was her last conscious thought.  Ever.”

[Derby]

Thanks for the comments and observations. 

The best help I received on the original version were the questions on just how great Isis' vision actually was and why did she die in a quality auto while the boy (unbuckled) survived.

Those issues have been addressed in the revision.

To me, wanting money was motive enough for any robbery.
Also, no one was supposed to like Isis so her being a thief was justification for her death.

However, in order to override those last two objections, I made changes that, in my opinion, make it a different story.  And as a result, Isis is now liked and her death seems the wrong ending.

The changes made have created a different story than I originally wanted to tell.  To make any additional changes the story will be even less of of my original  story.  For this reason, I think I'll refrain from additional changes.

I like abrupt endings.  As long as I don't leave any loose ends I'll likely often have abrupt endings -- especially in micro stories.  Just part of my style, I guess.

Since this group is more into full length novels, trilogies and epic fiction, I'll refrain from posting any more micro stories.  I do plan to submit some short stories (but not micro) in the future.

Again, thanks for the comments.  Even if it does not sound like it, I do appreciate the critiques.  I am learning from them.

Derby

[Asmodemon]

However, in order to override those last two objections, I made changes that, in my opinion, make it a different story.  And as a result, Isis is now liked and her death seems the wrong ending.

I wouldn't say her death is the wrong ending. I'm starting to sympathize with her, but I do think her death is a good way to end the story. It's a little abrupt, but that may be a personal issue.

[RavenstarRHJF]

Likewise, I don't mind the fact that she dies at the end either.  And I agree that thievery in itself should be an adequate reason for someone's timely demise, but fortunately or unfortunately, in this day and age the anti-hero is much more common than the hero.  All I'm saying is that your present version seems to be setting her up for redemption rather than death.  The ending still works, it's just a surprise, is all.