Author Topic: September 7 – Hubay – Fathers of Gods, Chapter 3  (Read 613 times)

hubay

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September 7 – Hubay – Fathers of Gods, Chapter 3
« on: September 07, 2010, 09:05:56 PM »
Chapter 3, ready to be torn to pieces. It's a new POV and setting, so let me know what you think of the character. Drug smuggling factors in to his storyline, but I'm not sure how lucrative of a business that was for the time period this is set in, so I'm hoping it doesn't come across as too much of an anachronism.

Fathers of Gods Chapter 3 (Dyp Herald) 3000 words (L, V, S, D - the works)

No real recap since it's a new storyline, but if you don't remember Listener is a Polaesi that can hear minds.

Summary
Dyp Herald has been exiled from shipolitae for unknown reasons, and is fighting to survive as a drug smuggler in the Temnic city of Casigu.

Flo_the_G

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Re: September 7 – Hubay – Fathers of Gods, Chapter 3
« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2010, 12:12:42 AM »
Right, first off, I had a spot of trouble opening the file you sent. I had to rename it to .docx before OO deigned itself worthy of displaying any legible text.

Minor niggles to begin with. I found the lack of punctuation in the spinner's lines mildly irritating at first, that may have been due to the length of those first few lines. It didn't really bother me anymore later on.

The "bag of refuse" that Dyp hides behind sprung out at me. If you dump your garbage in the street anyway, you're probably not going to put it in a bag first, right? ;)

You should probably have a look at how you explained Dyp's powers. It seemed to me as though you were beginning to explain the difference between a flash and quickening before you had entirely finished explaining what a flash actually is. It's still understandable, of course, but it takes a bit too much effort on the reader's part, which calls attention to the narrator and all that.

I'm always for bloodshed, no use pussyfooting around these things. Dyp missing the one guy's throat was a nice touch, he may have seemed all too powerful otherwise. I did think that the lone survivor didn't seem very scared, at times. He came across more like someone coolly debating the benefits of prolonging the life of a third party than like a man actually pleading for his life, at times. He was too coherent, I felt.

As to the drug smuggling, you may want to mention why the drugs need to be smuggled. The narrator assuming that drugs are illegal for the sole reason that they're drugs is a very modern perspective, I think. They're obviously illegal, else they wouldn't need to be smuggled, obviously, but mentioning why they're illegal would make the entire concept far more convincing, and shed some more light on the general cultural background, too.

Great place for a cliffhanger, by the way.

hubay

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Re: September 7 – Hubay – Fathers of Gods, Chapter 3
« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2010, 01:46:40 AM »
Hm, I was saving down to a .doc, I thought. Did anyone else have trouble with it? I can resubmit if its a problem, otherwise just pm me.

RavenstarRHJF

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Re: September 7 – Hubay – Fathers of Gods, Chapter 3
« Reply #3 on: September 09, 2010, 03:39:30 AM »
Well, I have the opposite of Flo's problem.  I can't open .docx files at all.  To clarify- I didn't have a problem opening this submission.

Anyway, on to the critique.

This may have been in the prologue- which I have not read... not sure I even got it- but, what the heck is a spinner?!  From the sparse descriptions you provided, I really have no idea what it is, or what it's purpose is, or even why it's such a big deal.  Granted, for the purposes of the scene, it's not really important.  But it is the cause of several actions, so you've still got me asking, "why?"  And again, this may have been explained in the prologue, and if so, fine.  But if not...

Yay for finally having some kind of indication of what it is that makes Polaesi die after a single year of god-hood.  You could probably describe it in more detail, though.  I wouldn't complain. :)

I like the visual image of slums residing above the main city, but I also see a problem with that... people who live in slums usually aren't that tidy, or clean.  And people who are neither tidy nor clean, tend to throw their trash any-which way.  And in a high-rise slum, that any-which way is probably going to end up going *down*... to the city-center.  Thus inflicting the effects of slum-life on the expensively dressed upper class.  And, frankly, it doesn't matter if the trash eventually gets turned into food, because it's still going to be all over someone's formerly gorgeous vehicle/dress/pet/spouse. :-\

As for actual action... I like what I see for the most part.  It is a little contradictory to have Dyp think about all the people who have not survived finding out he's really a god, and then not have him kill the guy who just identified him as such.  Granted, he doesn't know for sure, and I get that Dyp wants to use him to send a message, but... wouldn't just killing all of them be a much better message?

Anyway, this installment does a good job of making your world bigger, and that's always a good thing.  I like big worlds.  Keep it coming!
A crown does not a King make, nor the lack of one a commoner.

Daddy Warpig

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Re: September 7 – Hubay – Fathers of Gods, Chapter 3
« Reply #4 on: September 11, 2010, 12:30:45 AM »
Re Drug smuggling: I don't think the smuggling of illegal hallucinogens or narcotics is anachronistic, but calling it "drug smuggling" sounds out of place. Instead of a generic endeavor, maybe he would think of it as "caong smuggling." ("return to the relative normalcy of smuggling caong.") "Caong was one of the most expensive drugs money could buy" could become "Caong was one of the most expensive narcotics money could buy" (or whatever is the appropriate type of illicit substance). Just in general, using "drug" seems to smack of modernity.

Also, I can't vouch for historical accuracy, but it would make sense that someone who smuggles one kind of small valuable would probably smuggle others from time to time, like precious stones or whatever is appropriate for the milieu. You probably already thought of this, but I just wanted to toss it out, just in case.

I like how you thought through the physics of "quicktime." It's the sort of thing modern audiences expect.

(One side note: "QuickTime" is Apple's multimedia software - iTunes installs it. This isn't a problem, it was just a tiny jar that took me out of the story for a moment. I'm not suggesting you change anything, but it was kind of a funny juxtaposition: modern software file formats and a bloody epic fantasy alley fight.)

Re: height of slums. "Higher than palace" doesn't mean "over the palace", but it might be better to clarify that, so the reader won't be confused. A note on why this is the case would be welcome (I may have missed it.) I like the detail, it's colorful and interesting, but a bit of justification would enhance it.

"that he won’t try that while I’m still alive" This sentence seemed a bit awkward.

In all, it was an interesting chapter and I want to learn more. Good job.

hubay

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Re: September 7 – Hubay – Fathers of Gods, Chapter 3
« Reply #5 on: September 11, 2010, 04:39:17 AM »
Ok, I'm happy someone caught that the stilts aren't directly above the city; they actually encircle it, as a sort of anti-suburbs. But the fact that you were confused, ravenstar, means I should do a better job explaining myself.

And thanks all around for the advice on the drug smugglage. I'll endeavor make it more plausible on my re-write. For now suffice it to say that caong (cocaine) is kept down because the casigu government - which has a superiority complex -  only wants locals using the home-grown dzana (marijuanna). the two drugs are different enough  to create a plentiful market for both.

Asmodemon

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Re: September 7 – Hubay – Fathers of Gods, Chapter 3
« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2010, 08:53:05 PM »
To start, I also had a problem opening your file in Open Office, but changing the extension to docx worked for me too.

There isn't much I wish to add to what's already been said. I like the idea of the slums being built above the swamp. It creates the visual of a network of wooden walkways, some of them rotted through because it's damp swamp and all that. It's the most interesting location so far. The start of the chapter starts on the island though, yes, because it has alleys and trash? Trash would be thrown into the swamp rather than collect on the walkways I think.

Of course I also have some things that didn't work so well for me. The idea of quickening reads like you thought it through well. However that's also the problem with that part of the chapter. It reads like it's from your notes and for pacing it's too long. You're telling us how it works, what the pitfalls are and what Dyp's strategy is. It's far better to show us this rather than tell us in several long paragraphs.   

Also to compare quickening with flash, when we don't really understand flash, doesn't help much in making things clear. Despite what you wrote I still only have a passing understanding of what flash and quicktime actually is.

Another thing is that for someone who tries to hide who he is it's pretty stupid to leave a man alive who thinks Dyp's a Polaesi. Dyp's used to killing when he needs to and he already killed the others. The moment Dyp used his powers shouldn't he have realized he couldn't let the man live? Telling the man 'don't presume to know what I am' isn't going to help much. The man will tell the Duke what he thinks he saw, if for no other reason than to cover his own ass.  Soon everyone will be hunting for a Polaesi and news will certainly pass to the Knives.