Author Topic: Aug 30 - Daddy Warpig - Godslayer - Part 4  (Read 574 times)

Daddy Warpig

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Aug 30 - Daddy Warpig - Godslayer - Part 4
« on: August 30, 2010, 10:54:51 PM »
A rewrite of, and replacement for, parts 2 & 3. Part 1 ends with Chapter 7, and this begins with Chapter 8. I apologize for any confusion.

Also, I've changed the working title of the book to "Godslayer." (A name hinted at in the end of Part 2.) The reason why will become abundantly clear.

Summary

Captain Karrus, Marshall of the armies of Aiesha, is deposed the night of his final victory. That same night, a cataclysm occurs that destroys the city he's in and nearly kills him. Saved by one of the enemy, a beautiful woman named Akara, the two take comfort in each other.

The next morning, Akara awakes beside her lover and discovers something unexpected.

Thanks in advance for any comments, and thanks to all those who've posted feedback before.
« Last Edit: August 30, 2010, 11:00:30 PM by Daddy Warpig »

Zardog

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Re: Aug 30 - Daddy Warpig - Godslayer - Part 4
« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2010, 07:11:46 PM »
Very staccato style.  Sentences move very fast.  A lot of fragments.

"And a messy scar across his left thigh that looked like nothing she’d ever seen or heard of. " You said "looked" and then later "seen"... fine... The "heard" seems out of place.

Structure is ok, however it seems 100% narrative.  No reactions, no emotion, no motivation.  That might be your intent. Much like reading a non-fiction history book if that is where you wanted to go with it.

I was pulled from one sentence to the other, but it was like driving fast on a bumpy road.

Otherwise, keep it up.
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Asmodemon

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Re: Aug 30 - Daddy Warpig - Godslayer - Part 4
« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2010, 10:32:23 PM »
Well, I like how we’re getting some background information on your setting in chapter nine. The Godslayer battle is something that’ll have a lasting effect on Karrus and we’re getting to understand the setting more as well. Unfortunately your writing style dampens the effect it could have. The way you write is very clipped, maybe excessively so, and this submission shows that very strongly.

Perhaps it really is a matter of style and just me liking more meat on the bones of my stories, but what I mean is that I feel there could be so much more. These two chapters read like the first submission of this story you made, before you rewrote that first part to add more content and just making the flow better. Like your first submission it’s like I’m reading a summary or notes on what the chapter should be about rather than the chapter itself.

If we look at chapter eight it’s a page describing Karrus followed in short by Akara realizing who he is. While her realization is important it’s only the last sentence of the chapter which really matters and a chapter devoted solely to a description isn’t really a chapter at all.

Moving on to chapter nine we come to a great battle, but the way the chapter reads makes it feel more like background information notes. What I miss most here is an actual viewpoint through which I can follow the action. If we could follow Karrus instead and get his views and impressions on things it would make a strong chapter, because this is the type of battle which can make or break a warrior. Certainly it’ll have a lasting impact on Karrus and from the last sentence of chapter eight this is where he started to make a name for himself as The Godslayer.

There is some good stuff here, but right now it’s just a seed – you need to make it grow.

Flo_the_G

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Re: Aug 30 - Daddy Warpig - Godslayer - Part 4
« Reply #3 on: September 01, 2010, 09:23:46 PM »
Very staccato style.  Sentences move very fast.  A lot of fragments.
I see what you did there.  ;D

I don't think the sentences themselves are a problem, though, nor is the length of the chapters. The problem, as it were, is the length of the scenes. We barely have time to grow accustomed to the situation in one scene, when it already ends to begin a new one.

Mind you, there's nothing really wrong with the scenes. They're well-paced, the action flows smoothly, the dialogue is convincing - good things abound. But the scenes end too quickly, making it seem, to me, as if there were lots of action, but nothing really happens. I'd keep reading after the 8th chapter, don't get me wrong, it's just that I'm not entirely drawn into the story yet. I read this directly after part 1, by the way, ignoring the previous versions.

I can't say I cared for the flashback, though. The transition from Karrus' POV to Akara's felt smooth and natural, whereas the shift to the flashback was jarring. This was mainly due to the shift from the limited narrator in the previous chapters to a suddenly omniscient one. The whole thing felt more like a prologue, actually.

I got conflicting vibes from that chapter, too. When the god broke through the line, I had the impression that the guards were scrambling to mount some kind of pitiful defence, desperately rallying in the knowledge that they would die. The oxen bursting from the tent fit into that notion nicely, a plucky but obviously desperate last-ditch effort.

And then there's suddenly this hole in the ground. My immediate impression was that they'd let themselves be chased around the tents long enough to dig that pit, disguise it, hide the oxen, etc.

What I'm trying to say is that I completely missed the fact that all of this was planned beforehand, which made it seem slightly comical. Now I did read this late at night yesterday, so this may well not really be an issue (no one else seems to have read it that way, anyhow), I just thought I'd let you know, just in case. ;)

Daddy Warpig

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Re: Aug 30 - Daddy Warpig - Godslayer - Part 4
« Reply #4 on: September 01, 2010, 11:07:43 PM »
I can't say I cared for the flashback, though. The transition from Karrus' POV to Akara's felt smooth and natural, whereas the shift to the flashback was jarring. This was mainly due to the shift from the limited narrator in the previous chapters to a suddenly omniscient one.

Quick thought about ideas and implementation: even a good idea won't work, if executed poorly. Good ideas aren't worthless (as some spec fic writers have claimed), but they must be executed well.

The idea for Chap 9 was that the narrator is Karrus himself. The short sentences, matter-of-fact descriptions, focus on military matters (uniforms, order of battle, battle formations, weaponry, strategic significance of the plains): this is the story as Karrus relates it to Akara. Detached, emotionless, not personal. He's analyzed the battle and he's relating the story the way an officer might deliver any battle report. "Just the facts."

I think, as a chapter, this idea was fine and interesting.  Interesting, in character, shows how Karrus thinks. The implementation was flawed: it wasn't made clear enough that this is Karrus' account, not a flashback.  Three simple changes would fix this: including "Karrus began:" at the top, moving the time/location to the body of the chapter, and italicizing the text.

My initial thoughts for the beginning of Chap 10 was to clarify this even further: begin with Akara POV, describing Karrus telling her this story (including the last 2 or 3 sentences of chap 9 as dialogue), how he describes things in a matter of fact way, with little facial expression, and draws units in the dirt, showing how the battle played out. Combined with the three changes above, it would integrate the scene, and make for a good implementation.

The thing is, Asmodemon is right. It isn't that this is a bad idea, it's that there's a lot of potential being wasted. Instead of the dry retelling Karrus does, a close third POV showing how he experienced it—a true flashback—would be more involving, more visceral.

Killing a divine and holy being deliberately, even to save the prophet, is a significant event emotionally. It ought be given more space and more description. I like the idea of Karrus describing a battle, and some other battle might be described that way later in the book, but this isn't the right battle to do that with.

So, a better idea has been presented, and I hope to implement that idea well. Thanks for the comments, all. (And thanks for the compliments, Flo.)
« Last Edit: September 01, 2010, 11:20:04 PM by Daddy Warpig »