Author Topic: Auguest 30 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Nine  (Read 495 times)

Asmodemon

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Auguest 30 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Nine
« on: August 30, 2010, 09:30:29 PM »
Here we are at the ninth chapter. The time has come for Dais to act like a hero if he's to help anyone, but unexpected emotions hit him.

Zardog

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Re: Auguest 30 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Nine
« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2010, 07:02:32 PM »
My notes:

The number of semicolons stood out.  Not used to seeing that many used one chapter.  Is ok, just different.

A number of sentences had "but" clauses.  I've very guilty of doing the same thing and I see it everywhere.  Better if you can find a way to build tension and pull me from one sentence to another.

I came into this story late, so do not know the characters, but (see I use it too) I did not get pulled in. Did not develop any tension or attachment.

I had some trouble picturing what was going on.  I got to the end and was wondering, "what just happened?"

When I read it out loud I stumbled a lot. 

You go for complex and complex-compound sentences often.  That is probably your style and is perfectly fine.  Some variety might help.

I could pick out some sentences that gave me trouble if you want more detail.
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RavenstarRHJF

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Re: Auguest 30 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Nine
« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2010, 06:30:29 PM »
And finally we've got some action going on! ;D  And we've got more indications that Rosalin is waking up to her situation in the fact that she's finally starting to take a reluctant interest in the people around her.

I will agree with Zardog that some of your sentences were hard to follow again, in this installment.  That's probably just the way you write when you're in the 'getting everything down' mode, but remind yourself to line edit later.

The differing POVs worked for you in this chapter, because all the POVs are together in one space, each showing different aspects of what's going on.

I do have a question about Senna... is she the equivalent of a shaman?  And if so, is that why she hides herself?

A crown does not a King make, nor the lack of one a commoner.