Author Topic: August 23, Hubay, Fathers of God – Chapter 2  (Read 710 times)

hubay

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August 23, Hubay, Fathers of God – Chapter 2
« on: August 23, 2010, 10:57:21 PM »
Alright, alright, I'm a bit late but I did promise I'd get this in. Please please please don't point at laugh at me silk. I don't think I could bear it.

I forgot to put in a content rating on the email, but for this chapter it's (S, V)

Fathers of Gods, Chapter 2 (listener) 3000 words

Recap
In order to discover his god-power, or shri, Cumo was forced sleep with his best friend's lover, Aela. Aela manifested as a flamedaughter, and can control fire, while Cumo can instantly heal wounds – or at least, he can heal burns and minor flesh wounds.

Summary
This chapter is told half by Simeon Listener, a machiavellian Polaesi who can hear thoughts, and half from Cumo again. Some introduction of other gods, more exploration of Cumo's shri, and a hint at life within Shipolitae.

As per a suggestion by Flo (It was flo, right?) I ditched the metal skirt. Cumo and Aela are both wearing ceremonial robes now. They were stashed in the metal box so they never got burnt.
« Last Edit: August 24, 2010, 07:41:53 PM by hubay »

Valkynphyre

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Re: August 23, Hubay, Fathers of God – Chapter 2
« Reply #1 on: August 24, 2010, 05:03:28 PM »
You forgot (V).

In any case, It's much better than either of the previous two snippets. I fail to find fault with it.
Bow before The Worldbringer, Squirrel King![/color]

RavenstarRHJF

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Re: August 23, Hubay, Fathers of God – Chapter 2
« Reply #2 on: August 25, 2010, 04:18:51 AM »
Very nicely done.  The story flows almost without flaw, especially toward the end.  I noticed, though, that Cumo didn't actually remove the flint shard, he just commented on how it felt rubbing against his lungs with each breath.  Presumably, he's still walking around with it in his chest as he feasts on roast duck. :D 

Nice name he picks for himself, though pretentious.  After all, everyone knows Polaesi only live a year, so what makes him think he'll be any different?

I'm assuming the story of Falk is in the prologue somewhere?  Sounds interesting, anyway. 

Don't think I care much for Listener... I don't care what your motivation is, there's no good reason to set people against one another.
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hubay

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Re: August 23, Hubay, Fathers of God – Chapter 2
« Reply #3 on: August 25, 2010, 08:59:22 PM »
Presumably, he's still walking around with it in his chest as he feasts on roast duck. :D 

Aha, thanks for pointing that out.

I'm curious as to how you guys are handling the introductions. There's a decent amount of gods, and while a lot of them don't play a huge role I'm going to have to drop their names in at some point. I'm hoping the pace I've set is alright and I'm not overloading anyone.

Flo_the_G

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Re: August 23, Hubay, Fathers of God – Chapter 2
« Reply #4 on: August 25, 2010, 10:41:53 PM »
Yes, it was I who objected to chainmail skirts. ;D

On the topic of god names, I was mildly confused at first as to whether Pyra and Penru were names or part of the titles. I think that stemmed mainly from the fact that you started out calling Listener only Listener (or maybe I've simply forgotten the names from the previous chapters). I like the general naming scheme, though.

I was also mildy put off when you described Listener's perception of the world in olfactory terms. They were very evocative, and stylistically very well done, don't get me wrong, they just clashed with the god's name.

There was an overall vibe of a very rich backstory in this chapter. Lots of relatively cryptic references that promise further explanation in later chapters. Speaking of exposition, the explanation of why they use sex to unlock their powers was satisfactorily convincing. I'm sure you can work that into chapter 1 somehow. ;)

The only flaw of sorts that I can find is when you change the POV from Listener to Cumo (which happens at the perfect moment), wherein the Listener keeps creeping in and snatching the limelight away from Cumo.

Miscellany:
- "Gods I feel tired" seemed slightly out of place, all things considered.
- I wanted to see chopped-off digits!
- I find Listener intriguing and hope to see more of him.

Asmodemon

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Re: August 23, Hubay, Fathers of God – Chapter 2
« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2010, 09:38:54 PM »
Interesting chapter, certainly  in terms of backstory, but maybe a bit too much – there was a lot of exposition about the gods which could be spread out more I think.

I'm a bit divided on the character of Listener. On the one hand I find him interesting because he has his plans and really likes to scheme. On the other hand, and I'm finding this the stronger consideration, he falls into my pet peeve of the Telepathic Plot Device to get around the limitations of third person limited.

Now, this may be just me, but whenever I've read about a telepathic character that character is immediately used to give us the thoughts – and therefore the truth and true motivations – of the other important but non-viewpoint characters. It's basically third person omniscient not so cleverly disguised.

I'm still not convinced on the necessity of sex for awakening a shri. You explain that attaining it is done by losing control, through sex, torture, and drugs. Finally, the third option is named. I suppose religious dogma forbids drugs as much as torture, but it still feels like a heavy handed way to instil conflict between some characters.

I also don't see what the other interests are in creating trouble between those three for the ones who ordered this particular coupling. If sex is so particularly dangerous I'm sure it's a wiser choice to let Titan have sex with the women, since no matter the explosive power he is immune. And, depending on the views of the characters and the culture, why not the men as well? As an alternative there must also be a female god with high resistances and why do they need to have sex with each other? Why not get them some beautiful attendants to go through the deed? Wouldn't that be a great honour for the attendants and if one or more are killed to awaken a god, well, that's just collateral isn't it?

On an aside, I did find this line very funny:

Quote
The whole problem could have been solved long ago, but the religious idiots in charge would rather see a Polaesi die every few years then let one succumb to the sin of masturbation.

They are gods, they should've just decreed it was now legal. It's interesting to see the living gods stuck in the same hodgepodge and bureaucracy as any other institute.