Aug 23 - Derby - Professional Hitchhiker - Story

[Derby]

Here is my first submission.  Professional Hitchhiker is a VERY short story (I call it a micro-story).

Looking forward to what you think.

Derby

[Valkynphyre]

They're some good ideas here. Overall, decently written, but there were a few lines that were jarring. "You can see why Isis preferred the males." For instance. It breaks suspension of disbelief by creating a narrator who is aware of the audience. Also, the last line is in the same vein.

So, write something else. I'd like to read it.

[Asmodemon]

To be honest I have to say I didn’t much care for this story; for one I’m not really one for flash fiction, I like more substance to what I read. The lack of size creates some problems right from the start, where you try to put in a lot of background for Isis.

The way you present this information is all ‘tell’ instead of ‘show’. It’s also an info-dump which lasts for about 600 words. Now info-dumps are to be avoided wherever possible, but here it’s especially jarring since it’s right at the start and encompasses more than half of the story.

It does get better at the end, when Isis finally started to talk and she’s doing something in the present, but by then there’s not enough space left to make the story shine. I like the way you ended it, but the way to get there needs to be reworked; show, don’t tell.

[RavenstarRHJF]

In general I don't have a problem with info dumps- I actually like to have a lot of information about the world the author has thrust me into, and sometimes the most efficient way of doing that is to just tell me.  But literally half of your story is info dump, and the half with concrete action just... ends.  Abruptly.  There isn't even an indication whether she died because she was injured from the car crash, or because the deaf guy- or the kid, for that matter- either beat her up or used her own gun against her.

Also, I don't find myself particularly caring about Isis.  I'm a lot more sympathetic to the deaf guy and his son than I am to Isis.  They are characters that have a background I can imagine, but Isis... yeah, there's not much there.  You never tell us (or hint) why she does what she does- there's no motivation for her.  I'm also wondering about this enhanced sight of hers.  Is it extreme?  Is it super-natural? (on an open stretch of highway, cars are going to be going very fast- by the time even a person with an extreme range of vision could pick out whether a person is male or female, they'd be flashing past that person within seconds- not really enough time to see a hitchhiker, come to a decision, and slow down enough to stop for them)

But overall, you finished a story and that always deserves applause.  So good job!

[Zardog]

** NOTE: Do not take any of my opinions personally or think they are particuarly good advice. I only hope they are food for though. **

My notes on Professional Hitchhiker.

It took until paragraph 3 (Isis was a professional..) until I was pulled in to the story.  I think if you started with that paragraph and then worked in the backstory later, it would have a stronger hook.  That was my favorite paragraph in the story. I went from "What is a 'professional' hitchhiker?" to "Oh, a thief... cool."

Watch the "You can", "You would" statements. Show me and make me a smart reader for figuring it out.

Why do I need to know she is 5'8", 139, medium brown hair?  I would find even more interesting if I was shown that she was tiny and frail. 

"and/or" caused me to screech to a halt.

One sentence used "She would"... a few sentences later "She'd" and the following sentence "She would".

"that that" and "had had" are pet peeves, though I have seen many writers use that phrasing.  I'm guilty too.

"The lads" made me stop since you used "boy" earlier.

You could add in a scene to *show* what she does to someone instead of telling it as exposition.

I liked the misdirection.  But, you might think of torturing your characters even more before you end the story.  For example, kill the guy off horribly. Then bring some redemption to your main by having her make the choice of fleeing or saving the boy from the burning, wrecked car and sacrificing her life in the process.

Keep writing and thanks for sharing.

[Daddy Warpig]

I would agree that, for me, having the background at the beginning made it difficult to get into the story.

One possible alternative is to start the story with the action (hitch-hike, "see" the deaf man and his car, get picked up, he ignores her), then do some backstory (why she was hitch-hiking, how her sight aids her, why the man's ignoring her was irritating and unexpected), then the climax.

The climax seemed a bit abrupt. That was intentional, but it was too abrupt. I would agree that a smidge more detail on how she died (fire, impact) would be desirable, if only to make the crash scene more vivid. A sentence or two could do it, I don't think you would need paragraphs of description.

I was also confused by the possible supernatural angle. The bit about naming and the mystical vision of the goddess seemed to imply a supernatural angle, but other than the impossibility Ravenstar identified, it doesn't really affect the story. I expected it to, but it didn't.

This was probably deliberate, the story seems intended to set up one expected end and deliver another, but for me, this was an unfired Chekov's gun.

All the above are just IMHO, so YMMV.

[Derby]

Thanks to each of you who critiqued “Professional Hitchhiker.”

It was correctly pointed out (more than once) that I need more show & less tell.  A problem that has previously been pointed out to me in other stories I've written (not posted anywhere).  I've been studying this and believe I will do better with the rewrite I am planning.

Thanks (Valkynphyre & Zardog) for pointing out my “You can” statements.  Personally, I like breaking the fourth wall but that was not actually my intent here.  Besides, it should add to the story and, where I did this, it did not.

Isis is meant to be an anti-hero. Not the kind that redeems herself, just a bad person who is only out for herself and pays for it in the end.

I'm also wondering about this enhanced sight of hers.  Is it extreme?  Is it super-natural?

No, it was not meant to be super-natural.  You & Daddy Warpig are correct in that I gave her too much visual ability.  This I will change.

Her death was the result of the impact and I thought that it was obvious – guess not.  As far as a different ending is concerned, that would make it a different story.  Maybe a better story, but definitely a different story.

There were a few comments I did not really understand.
Valkynphyre 

Also, the last line is in the same vein.

How is the last line in the same vein as the “You can . . .” lines?

Zardog

"and/or" caused me to screech to a halt.

  Why?

"The lads" made me stop since you used "boy" earlier.

  This, just after implying that I used She would and She'd too often (which should be corrected with more show).  I was trying to avoid repetition by saying lad.
Just a bit as to why I chose this as my first submission to RE.  I belong to a local writer's group where we each read something we have written each session.  The typical comments in response are:
“That was nice.”
“Very interesting”
“I like how you phrased that”
“You paint a nice picture with words.”

When I read this story to the group I was told I should submit it.  Two others agreed.  (I think there were six or seven of us there.)

You can see how this could have inflated my ego a bit.  But I wanted to hear from more serious writers than that local group.  Thanks to each of  you for your suggestions and thoughts on this story.  I think I have a good start and I know much of what needs to be done to make it better.

OK, I'll post this now before it exceeds the story in length.

[Zardog]

The "and/or" threw me off as I do not normally see it in fiction.  Caused me to stumble is all.

The "boy" vs. "lad".  I do not think you need to switch a noun around like that when you are describing a person.  I personally would stick with "boy".

The "she would" and "she'd".  That is a consistency issue.  I've been told it is best to pick one style, either contraction or written out and stick with it.  Dialog is different.  In dialog you can be inconsistent.  As a narrator, it stands out. 

Her death being related to impact... that was not plausible to me.  Reason is you mentioned Lexus.  To me, a Lexus seems like a fairly safe car.  You also mentioned the kid in back as if he suddenly popped up.  Which I assumed meant he was not wearing a seatbelt.  Why was she killed and no one else?  Maybe set up for that, or do something like having a branch from a tree come through the windshield, or some other unique way she was killed while the others survived.

I didn't really connect the Isis angle either.  Wasn't sure how that related.  But if you wanted to use it, this is how I would approach it:

"Like her namesake Isis, she had amazing vision.  She could see an easy mark from a mile away." 

That ties in Isis with a descriptive simile and then twists it into a description of why it matters.

Also, instead of telling me she was average by the "5' 8" 139" line... perhaps try something like this:

"Isis was average.  Most drivers would pass her by, not giving a second glance.  Except married men.  Somehow she attracted them. "

This gives you a way to show what she looks like to other people and make her interesting enough that a married man would stop to pick her up on the side of the road.

And if you don't want her to have redemption, show me she was really really bad before killing her off.  Make me go "Yeah! She's dead!"