Author Topic: August 23 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Eight  (Read 615 times)

Asmodemon

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August 23 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Eight
« on: August 23, 2010, 08:06:38 PM »
Well it's been quite a few weeks since I last submitted anything, or critiqued anything for that matter, but I blame my vacation for that (hopping from festival to festival in the blistering sun of Japan for a month doesn't make for a good writing environment).

Now that I'm back I'm going to try to catch up with everything as soon as I can.

Valkynphyre

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Re: August 23 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Eight
« Reply #1 on: August 24, 2010, 05:28:49 PM »
Well, there's a few grammatical mistakes that need to be fixed in post, but that was pretty good.

More, please.
Bow before The Worldbringer, Squirrel King![/color]

ryos

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Re: August 23 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Eight
« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2010, 11:31:38 AM »
I'm sad to say that this felt like another waste of a chapter. I'm so sick of reading about stupid Rosalin getting drunk in the tavern. As I've said before, I don't understand why she's so despondent that all she can think about is alcohol. I won't belabor that point.

I understand that most of this chapter was setup for Rosalin to snap out of her stupor. Since I don't understand why she's even in the stupor to begin with, I'd rather you had just gotten on with it. Let her wake up quickly and fight the Shifter in this chapter, instead of making us spend yet another chapter watching her drink.

So, I'm happy that the Tavern Era is about to end, but that's pretty much all I'm happy about in this chapter. Sorry I don't have more to say. It's late and my brain no worky so well anymore.
Eerongal made off with my Fluffy Puff confections.

Asmodemon

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Re: August 23 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Eight
« Reply #3 on: August 29, 2010, 08:45:08 PM »
Quote
More please.

Working on it :)

Quote
I'm so sick of reading about stupid Rosalin getting drunk in the tavern.

You donít need to belabour the point; I think Iíve heard it said more times than I can afford to ignore. There is a reason why she acts the way she does, but I donít think Iím showing it correctly. And regardless I think I may be overdoing it with the drunkenness Ė she needs to be despondent at this point of the story, but she doesnít need to be as useless as she is right now. There are more emotional states I can explore with her that might (hopefully) be more interesting to read about.

RavenstarRHJF

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Re: August 23 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Eight
« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2010, 06:21:11 PM »
I think what you're trying to do with Rosalin is emphasize that emotionally, she's still very much a little girl.  A naive and sheltered girl who is not prepared to deal with her new circumstances and thus does the only thing she can think of to deal with them- drink enough to forget what's going on.  Is it selfish?  Yes.  Is it understandable, given her background?  I believe so.  Could she do more productive things, like actually try to find out where she is in relation to where her town was?  Sure.  Is she in any state to do so right now, and would she even know who to ask or how to find them?  No.

My guess is, she's going to join up with Dais and his team and learn a little bit about what's going on- maybe find her way home eventually.

Anyway, I too, am happy to see this section of her life coming to an end, but at the same time, I recognize why it's necessary.
A crown does not a King make, nor the lack of one a commoner.