Author Topic: Aug 23 - Daddy Warpig - When Gods War, Part 3  (Read 1394 times)

Daddy Warpig

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Aug 23 - Daddy Warpig - When Gods War, Part 3
« on: August 23, 2010, 05:45:59 PM »
Captain Karrus led an alliance of armies, to defeat the Kithian invaders. On the night of his victory, he was arrested and taken in chains. A massive cataclysm destroyed the city he was in, and Karrus barely escaped.

Outside the walls of the city, he was trapped, escaping by digging his way free. A Kithian woman, Akara, saved him. Later that night, Karrus was woken by her cries, as she suffered a nightmare. He held her while she cried, murmuring words of
comfort. The two kissed, which led to their having sex by her fire. It's the next morning.

Note: I haven't responded much, mostly because the WE podcast said that, in writer's groups, the writer shouldn't argue or defend his writing. Listen to the comments, take the advice that seems sound, but don't get defensive.

I've tried to follow that advice. I have read all the comments, though, and thanks to all who've pitched in.

One of the suggestions on Part 2 (from hubay) was that Akara's POV should appear earlier. I agree, and this is the result. It happens before most of Part 2.

Once again, looking forward to comments and thanks in advance.

Valkynphyre

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Re: Aug 23 - Daddy Warpig - When Gods War, Part 3
« Reply #1 on: August 24, 2010, 04:43:58 PM »
I didn't like it at first, but it got better as you went further in. You have a strange mix of third person limited and omniscient. You keep mentioning her thoughts, and then saying things like "She was only a child." Things she would never think about themselves.

I liked the slave angle, but like most of the ideas presented, they were approached roughly, and then proceeded to become smoother the further into the idea you went.

As long as this section gets the kind of polish that the first one did, I don't have a problem with it. You took something Raw and turned it into something smooth. As it is, this section is raw, and needs plenty of reworking, but I think you can fix it.
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Daddy Warpig

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Re: Aug 23 - Daddy Warpig - When Gods War, Part 3
« Reply #2 on: August 25, 2010, 06:52:59 PM »
I didn't like it at first, but it got better as you went further in.

Would it be fair to say that you didn't enjoy the the first two sections (9 & 10), but did enjoy the third?

EDIT: And, as long as I am asking, what was it you didn't like? I'm just learning to write a novel, so I'm wondering if it was a matter of taste (dislike the subject) or a technical matter (bad writing, mistakes in structuring the scene, etc.)

About the POV: You're right about the odd mix. I intended 10 to be a memory of Akara's, something she's remembering as a result of Karrus' comments about the dead in the city. I need to keep the POV consistent, to indicate that. Any suggestions you might have along those lines would be welcome.
« Last Edit: August 26, 2010, 04:37:35 PM by Daddy Warpig »

RavenstarRHJF

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Re: Aug 23 - Daddy Warpig - When Gods War, Part 3
« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2010, 04:48:56 AM »
As I mentioned in my part 2 critique, you should really move some of this to earlier sections.  It's good that you recognized we need to see it and gave it to us, but don't forget to reintegrate it with the rest so it flows more naturally.

This section reads the best for me, though.  I think you make Karrus' POV just a little stilted in tone- probably on purpose- but it's a lot easier for me to get immersed into this kind of writing.

One minor note: the quick succession of chobin with chosha is difficult to read.  True, you already introduced us to chobin as a term of rank for the Kithians, but this is the first time we're seeing chosha and at first I thought it was a remnant from a rephrasing of that particular sentence.  They are also very similar in sound.  I'd suggest putting a little more distance between them or changing one of the two so they don't sound so much alike.
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Daddy Warpig

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Re: Aug 23 - Daddy Warpig - When Gods War, Part 3
« Reply #4 on: August 26, 2010, 03:49:47 PM »
As I mentioned in my part 2 critique, you should really move some of this to earlier sections. 

This isn't obvious from the text - though I tried to mention it in the email - but Part 3 is intended to appear earlier. Part 2 began with 8 "Camped on a Barren Plain" and 9 "A Great and Fallen City". 9 was when they entered Cormiscu. I intend part 3 to be inserted between those two, so it comprises 9-12. Chapter 12 occurs before they enter the city, so "A Great and Fallen City" would become 13, and the rest of Part 2 would be renumbered from there.

Sorry for the confusion.

One minor note: the quick succession of chobin with chosha is difficult to read. 

I'll try an integrate that better. What I was thinking was that, in the Kithian tongue, "cho" means holy or godly. Cho-bins are warrior priests, cho-sha lore-masters. (There's one other priestly role, cho-ji.)

So there's a reason for it, but I can introduce the names better. Perhaps spelling them with hyphens will make it clearer.
« Last Edit: August 26, 2010, 03:53:02 PM by Daddy Warpig »