Author Topic: July 19 - The Sword of Worlds CH 26 - Ellie  (Read 789 times)

ErikHolmes

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July 19 - The Sword of Worlds CH 26 - Ellie
« on: July 20, 2010, 10:24:01 AM »
Recap:

Ellie has just traded the Sword of Worlds to Mordred in return for him healing Bloodbath. As soon as Mordred had the sword he ordered his Sigil Knights to kill Malik and bring him his head. Ellie rushed off to stop them. She fought briefly with the knights but they managed to grab and hold her. As they held her she pointed at Malik and used her ring which breaks magic.

Thanks for reading!
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Recovering_Cynic

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Re: July 19 - The Sword of Worlds CH 26 - Ellie
« Reply #1 on: July 22, 2010, 08:30:56 PM »
Yay! for awesomeness.  Erik, as always, you never fail to please.  I enjoyed the chapter immensely, never sure where it was going to lead, and thus entertained all the more.

I only found one part that I'd change: when they are going through the portal, you talk about the few people who are going through, and then one of them gets shot by an arrow.  I had to re-read that paragraph a couple of times before I understood what was going on.  You might give it a look.

Other than that, the chapter was awesome.  I'd have to read the previous chapters to remember if there are any continuity issues, but that can be done on a beta.  Anyway, well done.
this is the way the world ends,
not with a bang, but a whimper
~T.S. Eliot

lethalfalcon

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Re: July 19 - The Sword of Worlds CH 26 - Ellie
« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2010, 08:21:19 AM »
I think this is the best chapter I've read of yours with regards to "the big picture", so I'll give you that one. Not a whole lot happens outside of the combat, but you get people moving, which is good. It's hard to find a lot of glaring issues with motivation in combat: generally you attack people because they want you to die. :P

I'll also say that I'm glad Ellie actually participated in something this time; the previous chapters I've read felt more like she was just being dragged along.

So instead I peppered your submission with line-level edits. Hopefully that helps, 'cause I really don't have much else to say here. Sorry.
I don't have good days. I have great days, where I'm a magician ridding the world of all evil, or at least everything I don't like. And then I wake up, and it's back to work for me.

Renoard

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Re: July 19 - The Sword of Worlds CH 26 - Ellie
« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2010, 06:31:30 PM »
I liked this.  I like the story in general and despite some issues in it's beginning I think it's going well.

Elie is developing and Morrigan has developed remarkable fast into a sympathetic character, despite her alien species and sociopathy. There are some general Grammar and construction errors but few. I particularly liked the obsessive stare by Morrigan. It suggests a lot about her and her relationship to the Sons of Dor without being pedantic.

On the down side is the fact that this is chapters 26 and we've just gotten to the second major development/problem for Elie and it technically is just an exacerbation of her capture by the Slough/loss of the sword --assuming you discount the violence with which they left earth-- and we don't seem to be approaching a climax.

The pacing seems to be good, but I'm wondering if the urge to make up for lost time will quash your resolution and windup.
You can always get what you want if you never count the cost.

ErikHolmes

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Re: July 19 - The Sword of Worlds CH 26 - Ellie
« Reply #4 on: August 03, 2010, 07:21:41 PM »
Thanks for the comments guys. I'm glad that the chapter seemed to work. For some reason I had a hard time getting through it.

I am getting a little worried about the book being bigger than I'd planned, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it I guess. I'm at about 80k words right now. I might be able to fit the ending into another 20k words or so, but not sure if I want to. Maybe I'll just shoot for more like 120k, hey, it worked for Twilight.  :D

Did the combat come out alright? I was a little worried because I ended up with two really powerful fighters showing up in that one chapter. You get to see both Malik and Magni fight.
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Recovering_Cynic

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Re: July 19 - The Sword of Worlds CH 26 - Ellie
« Reply #5 on: August 03, 2010, 08:51:38 PM »
The combat worked great.  It was a highlight for me.  Oh, and don't go cramming your book into  20K unless that's how it comes out naturally.  You can always edit out more later, but it's harder to expand.  Write it to the lengh it comes out, then cut where you think it's needed.
this is the way the world ends,
not with a bang, but a whimper
~T.S. Eliot

ryos

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Re: July 19 - The Sword of Worlds CH 26 - Ellie
« Reply #6 on: August 03, 2010, 09:25:19 PM »
This is one of my favorite chapters so far, perhaps because you pulled a lot of irons out of the fire on the Ellie plot. Bloodbath and Malik are no longer hanging in limbo, waiting for Ellie to figure out how to do something about them. Yay for the awesome way it all played out!

I'm particularly pleased with the way Ellie's suicidal bravery carried the chapter. You spent a long time building it up, and that buildup created a certain amount of tension. We know that Ellie is going to rush headlong into situations she's not prepared to handle, and that makes us worry for her safety.

The combat in general worked well. I have but one quibble, and it extends beyond this chapter. The Sigil Knights rock the socks off everyone they meet—except Kail and Ellie and Kajsa and Malik and Bloodbath. This in and of itself is no problem. The issue is that I don't get much sense of scope from those fights. The epic grade-A awesome Sigil Knights fall like butt-stomped goombas when faced with certain combatants, and instead of getting a sense of high-level combat from those fights, they just feel like ordinary fights where the Sigil Knights happen to be weaker than normal.

Sorry for the short critique, but I can't think of anything else to say. Nice work. :)
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ErikHolmes

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Re: July 19 - The Sword of Worlds CH 26 - Ellie
« Reply #7 on: August 03, 2010, 09:29:44 PM »
That's what I was planning on doing. I'm a discovery writer so I don't really know exactly how long the ending will take but I have a good general idea.
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ErikHolmes

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Re: July 19 - The Sword of Worlds CH 26 - Ellie
« Reply #8 on: August 03, 2010, 10:41:13 PM »
The combat in general worked well. I have but one quibble, and it extends beyond this chapter. The Sigil Knights rock the socks off everyone they meet—except Kail and Ellie and Kajsa and Malik and Bloodbath. This in and of itself is no problem. The issue is that I don't get much sense of scope from those fights. The epic grade-A awesome Sigil Knights fall like butt-stomped goombas when faced with certain combatants, and instead of getting a sense of high-level combat from those fights, they just feel like ordinary fights where the Sigil Knights happen to be weaker than normal.

I've wrestled with that problem several times actually. I wanted the Sigil Knights to be pretty scary but they just aren't tough enough to handle people like Malik or Kajsa. I've thought about making them tougher but haven't really decided to or not yet.

To most of the people in my worlds the Sigil Knights are unstoppable bogeymen. A single Sigil Knight would walk through the forces of Rome or Medieval Europe. Even the magical kingdoms in my settings would be hard pressed to deal with one. Most just don't have weapons like the Sword of Worlds, Kajsa's burning sword or Malik's raw strength.

Sigil Knight armor is pretty much magical armor stuffed with every enchantment that the wizards of the Unseelie can fit onto it. It's level 100 World of Warcraft armor that adds +500 to strength, agility and stamina. :)

Each Sigil Knight is about as tough as Iron Man, minus the weapons and flying...

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Renoard

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Re: July 19 - The Sword of Worlds CH 26 - Ellie
« Reply #9 on: August 14, 2010, 10:11:22 AM »
If I may, I think that ryos is looking for some collateral damage when those ironmen run into superman. Since they are so tough and strong, when they miss they might be taking out whole trees or cleaving horses in two. If malik punches one then maybe there is some impact effect on the living fairies standing guard behind them.

Just a thought.
You can always get what you want if you never count the cost.