Author Topic: July 5 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Seven  (Read 478 times)

Asmodemon

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July 5 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Seven
« on: July 05, 2010, 08:52:23 PM »
In case people are wondering what happened to chapter six, I've been reworking the previous chapters a bit after all the great advice I've been given.

As such the previous chapter five has become chapters five and six, which makes this chapter seven. At least for now, I still have to do something about chapter four, so the ordering might change yet again, but let's cross that bridge when I get there.

ryos

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Re: July 5 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Seven
« Reply #1 on: August 29, 2010, 11:22:43 AM »
No critiques after almost two months? I'm ashamed of myself.  :-[

Anyway, I enjoyed this Black rose chapter, but I also feel a little lost. This could be the writing group problem, with my reading of these chapters spread out over months of time, but I feel like I missed something. I don't get a sense of Black Rose's motives at allóshe's helping the invaders, but why? I don't see Sericea in her anymore. Kind, loving, self-sacrificing Sericea became ice-cold, heartless Black Rose the moment her imprisonment was broken. Is the woman who cared for Rosalin so tenderly really the same woman who gazed dispassionately at the carnage left by a raging Shifter?

Maybe if we knew more about the person she was before she was imprisoned. We know she gained a forbidden dark power, but we don't know what drove her to it. What was she trying to accomplish then? What is she doing now? It's not quite clear.

Maybe if we knew why she was who she was in that town. How does she have a sister, when she's over 400 years old and apparently hasn't aged a year in all that time? How did she keep people (and most especially, her sister) from noticing this fact?

The one viewpoint per chapter system is working well for you. We got a good solid chunk of story instead of a lot of bite-sized ones, and it's more satisfying. Your descriptions, dialogue, action scenes and the flow of the chapter are all well-written. My main gripe here is the character who at this juncture doesn't make much sense.
Eerongal made off with my Fluffy Puff confections.

Asmodemon

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Re: July 5 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Seven
« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2010, 08:44:14 PM »
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No critiques after almost two months? I'm ashamed of myself.

Well, it is summer time and Iíve been absent for little over a month as well (ah, Japan, I miss you already, though not the heat) so Iíll not hold that against you ;)

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The one viewpoint per chapter system is working well for you.

I think it is as well; the further into the story I got the more fragmented between viewpoints it became Ė reordering things to fit into one viewpoint per chapter works a lot better for me too.

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My main gripe here is the character who at this juncture doesn't make much sense.

The thing about Black Rose and what happened is something that should become clearer in time, but Iíll take showing more of her motivations earlier on into consideration. I want her to remain a bit of a mystery, but one that makes sense, so Iíll have to do something about that.† †

Perhaps it does have something to do with the rate of months in which Iíve been posting these chapters; Iím committing myself to shortening that time, so maybe that will help for future chapters.

RavenstarRHJF

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Re: July 5 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns - Chapter Seven
« Reply #3 on: September 05, 2010, 06:15:49 PM »
I don't see Sericea in her anymore. Kind, loving, self-sacrificing Sericea became ice-cold, heartless Black Rose the moment her imprisonment was broken. Is the woman who cared for Rosalin so tenderly really the same woman who gazed dispassionately at the carnage left by a raging Shifter?

Ok, what?  I was under the impression that Black Rose and Sericea are two entirely different people.  And I have recently read the whole from the prologue to this point.  I can find no indication that they are the same, or that Sericea is somehow channeling, or merged with, Black Rose the same way Rosalin merged with Rosen.  Am I wrong about this?

Anyway, I like the feel of Black Rose.  She's still having difficulty adjusting to her new life, as well she should be, and you show it quite well.  And yet she is able to act when needed. 

The battle sequence on the wall is a bit confusing for me to follow- but then I usually have difficulty following specific battle description, so don't take it personally. 

Personally, I can't wait for her to meet up with Rosalin.
A crown does not a King make, nor the lack of one a commoner.