April 19 - Asmodemon - The Citadel of Thorns, chapter three

[Asmodemon]

It's been a while since the last chapter. The third chapter really needed to be rewritten, but with writing a short story and overtime at work I didn't have the time or the energy until this weekend.

I'm happier with it than the previous version, but I'll let you guys be the judge.

[LongTimeUnderdog]

Using the word really in prose, outside of dialogue, doesn't sound right, and lacks a certain professionalism.

The prose are good, until you break into conversational writing.  Every now and then the voice of the narration breaks and modernizes.  Not that modern narration is bad, but instead of being a narrative, the prose breaks every now and then into a word choice that seems more dialogue then actually narration.  If you clean that up, you'll have a seriously sweet read.

Senna is dressed . . . inside . . . with a cloak on . . . and someone trying to be inconspicuous?  Her actually goal in her dress isn't mentioned, or if it is I missed it, but for a group of secretive people like her, Dias, and Kal, wearing a veil (when no one else is metioned wearing a veil, and wearing a cloak, where no one else is wearing a cloak, is going to make people notice you.  It won't hide her face, but rather paint a great big sign over her that reads something like, "Hi, I'm a suspicious person, but I'm really trying hard to hide myself in the absolute worst way possible.  I'll bet the law enforcement would be interested in me."

Blending in is about just that, blending in.  If every woman at the party is wearing a low cut top, and one is wearing a more modest cut, she'll stand out despite the "plainness," of the dress.  More people will notice her.  If everyone is covered in mud, but the same woman is wearing the party dress, she'll stand out (even if covered in mud, but less so then).

As you can see these are nit picky things.  The real issue with the piece is the breaks.  There are sooooooo many of them, they get annoying.  And many of them seem pointless.  I realize they're meant to be scene breaks within the scenes, but they just don't seem necessary.  As the reader, every time I see one I'm expecting either a) a point of view shift, b) time shift, or c) an actual scene change.

Every time one of these breaks appears I feel like I'm missing something or there has been a significant passing of time.  The following text gives no identification of these lapses, so I feel like there are things happening that I'm missing out on.  I feel cheated.

Oh yeah, and since we've had such a connection to Rosaline, emotionally, Not having a chapter about her was kind of annoying and hard to read.  Not that the stuff going on wasn't interesting, but it wasn't about her.

[RavenstarRHJF]

Introducing new characters is always tricky.  It took a while for me to pick up on the fact that Dais wasn't actually all by himself- alone in the city with no one to turn to, I mean. 

Your descriptions here kind of ramble a bit.  Not in purpose, but just word choice.  I had a hard time following some of it- but that's something to work on later.  I agree with LTU on the scene breaks- they aren't needed until you switch POV.

I have to wonder why Dais is in the city, who his companions are, and why they're there when there is no indication that they need to be.  You hint at it, but never really explain so I can only assume the explanations come later.  (Also, is his name a shortened/masculinized version of daisey? just wondered) 

You kinda throw things out there and then just let them hang.  He examines the dirt on the floor and you state that he knows about different soils.  You overstate the disappearance of all things wooden.  He seems surprised by the lack of a ladder, but he just spent the last three sentences detailing all the wooden things which ought to be there and aren't.  You'd think he'd take it for granted that there wouldn't be a ladder. 

Possible oops: He drops through the trapdoor from the second story, sees the hole in the floor, is discovered by the woman, and then runs down the stairs to the first floor and (presumably) out the door.  Either he entered by the third story, or through a trapdoor on the roof.  But if all the houses were initially built of stone why is she digging a hole in the second story?

You seem to be forming a habit of ending a chapter with a viewpoint that is out-of-context.  This is fine, and I actually think it adds to the story to be shown little snippets of what's happening elsewhere.  But you are also forming the habit of not immediately identifying the speaker, and that gets confusing.  It would probably be more expedient to simply start those sections with the POV's name.  Ex.  'Amaryllis had a hard time seeing through the gloom, and almost missed the small pile of bodies...'