Author Topic: March 16 - lethalfalcon - Heartglass - Prologue  (Read 3005 times)

Dark_Prophecy

  • Level 4
  • *
  • Posts: 86
  • Fell Points: 0
  • Sweep Sweep Sweep, all day long!
    • View Profile
    • The Intelli-Gent Reviews
Re: March 16 - lethalfalcon - Heartglass - Prologue
« Reply #15 on: June 01, 2010, 01:31:13 PM »
Sorry I arrived so late to the fight.

In short, I liked this piece a lot. There are some really good things going on here, and I want to hear more. For a prologue, at least ones that I like to read, I want a catchy first sentence, just like a chapter 1. If it's not there, I'm not horribly disappointed, but it always helps if it is.

As to what everyone else said, yeah, there are some things that could be worked out. I've taken the stance now that I'm not going to submit anything that isn't a completely finished draft, since I think submitting prologues would only make me into one of those people that endlessly tinkers with the first few chapters, and never gets to the end. You might ponder doing the same.

I like James, a lot. I'm a fan of the first person narrative, though I didn't actually read one until I was almost twenty years old. Keep it up, and if you need a good alpha reader for the whole thing, I'm your guy. Especially since I live in Logan. :D Feel free to email me any chapters that you'd like me to go over, and we can even meet up at some point if you'd like, to discuss. There's a nice writing group here in town, too. They charge something like $20 a year for a membership, but they seem serious about their business, so that's always good.

I like basketball, hanging out with my friends, reading, slamming a garbage can into a pimp or two with magical heavenly powers. You know, teenager stuff.

lethalfalcon

  • Level 5
  • *
  • Posts: 148
  • Fell Points: 0
  • Why won't insomnia leave me alone?
    • View Profile
Re: March 16 - lethalfalcon - Heartglass - Prologue
« Reply #16 on: June 01, 2010, 05:44:17 PM »
Unfortunately, if I took your stance on not submitting things that aren't finished, I'd never submit anything. I work a lot (60+ hour weeks are not uncommon), and then I have the full-time job of taking care of my house by myself. On top of that, I tend to get stuck on things, because I'm such a perfectionist. Let's put it this way: I'm about 200 words into the next chapter on it, and I have *not*gone back to edit this one, nor have I worked on anything else. I've also only ever finished one work, and that died off around the 50k mark, with the intent to rewrite it in 3rd person eventually (which would have added enough to get it to novel length). Then I realized that the basic prose felt like a Xanth novel, and I put it down because I'd have to rewrite the whole thing to remove it. So, I cut out the magic system, revised it, and have yet to stick it back into something.

Not going back and revising is an issue of self-control, though. After getting the feedback from this, I went back and marked several places where I will edit things. Then I moved on. The reason I would not want to wait until I was done is that an issue with tone would end up having to be changed in *every* chapter after it was noticed; the earlier it is found, the better, because then I can change. I tend to write in discovery mode; I have an overarching plot, but almost everything between is still fluid.  I also tend not to do things like outlines, or keep notes, or such. My brain has done a good job of keeping track of things so far, so I'll let it continue.

It's nice to know that there's a writing group in Logan. At this time I'd be hesitant to pay for it, though, as my amount of contribution would likely not be worth the money.
I don't have good days. I have great days, where I'm a magician ridding the world of all evil, or at least everything I don't like. And then I wake up, and it's back to work for me.

Dark_Prophecy

  • Level 4
  • *
  • Posts: 86
  • Fell Points: 0
  • Sweep Sweep Sweep, all day long!
    • View Profile
    • The Intelli-Gent Reviews
Re: March 16 - lethalfalcon - Heartglass - Prologue
« Reply #17 on: June 01, 2010, 06:42:37 PM »
About the writing group, I feel mostly the same way. I still haven't paid the fee just yet, but I probably will at the next meeting. I'm going to them with the intent that I'll learn something from the other peoples' writing rather than from presenting them my own.

I understand being busy. I think I must just be lucky, in that when I have about an hour or two to actually get some work done, I tend to produce a couple thousand words. I work full time, and have a one year old boy, so free time is sort of at a premium for me, too. :D

If you're interested, and have some time, they meet in the Logan library at 6:30 on next Wednesday. You can come and see if you want to join. They seem nice, and some of them write pretty well, so I'm hoping I can learn some new tricks.
I like basketball, hanging out with my friends, reading, slamming a garbage can into a pimp or two with magical heavenly powers. You know, teenager stuff.

Silk

  • Staff
  • Level 31
  • *
  • Posts: 1798
  • Fell Points: 0
  • ...no room for someone in second place...
    • View Profile
    • Beyond Impossibility
Re: March 16 - lethalfalcon - Heartglass - Prologue
« Reply #18 on: June 07, 2010, 06:47:54 AM »
I had actually assumed that the Yan was a guard or security detail at first. Mentioning that right away might help get rid of some murkiness down the line (I was a bit thrown when this boss guy turned out to be a prisoner). Might raise some questions for the reader, too.

At first I was a bit surprised that James figured he could buy his freedom with the heartglass. It would be simplicity itself for the guards or whoever he ends up trying to bribe to just take the thing from him. Of course, it could be that James is an optimist, or that the guards aren't jerks. Not a big deal at this point.

Science fantasy! Cool. You don't really see too much of that. (You might be shooting yourself in the foot a bit in terms of marketability, but to be entirely honest I have NO idea.)

A little more about the world visually might be nice.

The line about Aerendai physiology surprised me a bit. I assumed that he was human or very similar, since James hadn't told me otherwise.

As others have already noted, I don't have too much to say on this piece so far. I'm sure I will be able to deliver more scathing and horrible critiques as the manuscript progresses. :P