March 15 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Anaiah 4

[LongTimeUnderdog]

And the fourth Anaiah Chapter.

Anaiah 1:  As a very tiny  girl, Anaiah was found and adopted by Caramoth, the village smith.  She has white skin, everyone else in the Ziphoa tribe has black skin.  they all think she's a witch and want to kill her.

Anaiah 2:  Anaiah, quite the outcast and her father because of her, is now 10 years old and wants to be a warrior for the tribe.  Annoyed and tired of a girl named Hilva trying to pick fights with her, Anaiah tries to ask Amoz, the High Chief's son, to teach her to fight, since Sallu, the war chief, won't do it.  Amoz tries but Sallu won't allow it.  Hilva tries to pick another fight, this time with weapons.  Sallu sanctions it and Anaiah is given weapons.  In a rather amazing turn of events, Anaiah defeats Hilva.  Outraged, Hilva tries to kill Anaiah again, only to be cast out from the young warriors.

Guli 1:  Guli, a boy who can make Rocks dance and who is so strong that even the largest weights are toys to him, is found by a tribe of pygmies.  they take him in, hoping to use him to work their mines with his magic.

Zulbane 1:  The jungle tribe discover a strange boy who has a name (surprising to them) and can speak (all of their men, after birth, have their mouths sewn shut).  They take him to the local scribe, but she is out.  Her assistant/apprentice buys the boy from the women who found him.  the apprentice is really the boy's sister but knows him by the name Traxix, not Zulbane.

Jin'Cathul 1:  Jin'Cathul is the son of famous research scientist, Talven Del'Nosa'Gosa.  while studying the phenomenon known as the Shroud, what is supposed to be what makes Lyrisism work, are invited to investigate the first hole to ever appear in the Shroud.  The hole was discovered when an old artifact made from a metal called orcan did not vibrate in a room.  Further tests with lyrisism proved there was no Shroud there.  Jin'Cathul, a magical prodigy in his own right, assisted his father in researching the hole, but the dagger seemed to take a very different effect then had been witnessed before when he initiated his powers.  When contact was made between Jin and the dagger, stuff exploded.

Anaiah 3:  Day and Night are explained, while Anaiah and her father prepare for the oncoming night.  To protect themselves from the Darken, the Tribe gathers together around a huge bonfire with torches on the outside to spread the light as thick as they can.  Fire seems to frighten them away.  When the Darken are no longer a threat, the tribe relaxes and prepares for the night.  Hilva confronts Anaiah again, intent regaining her place by defeating Anaiah in another fight.  Anaiah, unarmed, tries to scare the girl away but only manages to enrage her.  during the fighting, Anaiah's favorite toy is broken and with that, it almost kills her.  It would have killed her if not for the timely appearance of Caramoth, who's quick work saves her with the help of Hammond, Amoz, and the High Chief.  Anaiah decides that her father must be the greatest human being in the whole world.

Jin'Cathul 2:  ON the run from House Mezuu, Jin and his father go the Bazaar to make some extra money before venturing into the Hellfane desert.  Instead, a woman named Jalean, who seems responsible for their escape from House Mezuu, demands that Jin be given to her as payment for saving them.  Less then reluctant, Talven gives the boy up who is taken in and made a slave of the Pits.

Anaiah 4:  In which Anaiah and her father go to the Bazaar, and alliances are revealed.

(For all of you people who wanted to know the actual order of the chapters right now.  That's what I've got figured out.)

[Asmodemon]

Thanks, I’ve been really wondering about the order of chapters. I think, seeing this order, that I’ll stick with what I said about cutting chapters Anaiah 1 and 2 in my comments on Anaiah 3. The third chapter shows her character much better than the first two and would make for a stronger beginning.

Cutting those chapters will also bring this chapter closer to the beginning. Looking at the other chapters this is the first time we’re getting a look at a greater conflict going on in the world. In fact, we’re getting several: the Hesk threat, the Hellfane tribes/Apara plot against the Houses, and something else scaring the Houses enough to requisition a good amount of arms. We’re also getting a link with Jin’Cathul and the Pits and what might be in store for him. Yes, this chapter is definitely what this story needs.

Now, I wouldn’t be me if I also didn’t have some criticism. Like the last chapter it suffers from grammar/spelling issues.

Another thing is not so much a problem with this chapter as it is with what follows. I’m having trouble reconciling this Anaiah with chapters 6 and 7 Anaiah. Though I haven’t read it yet I’ve skimmed Anaiah 5 and saw it’s in the same timeframe as three and four.

Anaiah 6 has a time jump, which I only really realize because Anaiah acts more mature. There’s a grudge over weapons with the Apara, but we’re not shown why and how this happened. So something went wrong with the deals made, but making those weapons can’t take four years, so to hold a grudge this long and not do something about it earlier feels odd to me, even with the so-called threats alluded to in chapter four.

This is again the reactionary nature of your story, we’re getting that something interesting happened after the fact, but the interesting parts aren’t shown. I think you want to get to the interesting parts concerning God’s name, but if so, maybe you shouldn’t dwell so long on the younger years of the main characters.

[LongTimeUnderdog]

As a note, what you have as Anaiah 6 and 7 at the moment are now something like 9 and 10.  While I do appreciate and agree with you on your concerns and critiques of the story, I am hesitant to change the earlier Anaiah 1 and 2 chapters because of their impact later in the story and on the patterns I'm trying to develop.  Or more appropriately, I feel like I NEED those chapters to create the proper emotional responses.  Of course if I was really a publishable writer, or potentially so, I would be able to do all that and still whack some chapters.  So while I'm not ignoring your suggestions, I'm more curious if those suggestions will change as things get revealed.

[Asmodemon]

No, I understand completely. I’ll probably bring it up again every now and then, because I think the length your story is heading to is a valid concern. But I don’t recommend you scrapping anything now while you’re still writing the rest.

My suggestions may indeed change as you write more, and it’ll be interesting to see in what way. I do expect the main points to stay the same, I’ll still be saying you need to cut stuff and keep the pacing up

This chapter was a good way to get things moving and putting it between some of the slower chapters lifts them up as well – of course if you spice them up it’ll be ever better, but that’s for the next draft when you’ve got the complete idea for where you want things to go.

[Shivertongue]

Agreed, don't scrap anything yet. But when you finish and you're looking over the completed novel, you might want to be ready to kill some darlings. I think Anaiah 3 works amazingly well as a first chapter, and would be a good way to immerse a reader into the story.

But this isn't about Anaiah 3, it's about Anaiah 4 (speaking of, I don't think I've seen Anaiah 6 or beyond that; were they in the collected chapters you sent me a while back?)

Much better description of the clothing than in previous chapters. Quick and to the point, with enough details to get a good idea but not so many that I wouldn't be able to remember them.

Is this entire world matriachal? Or does this story merely feature small section of the world influenced by the same gender-biased politics and notions? It gets a bit grating, I must admit, seeing every woman with the attitude of 'women useful, men not'. I've never particularly cared for the extreme matriachies, though, nor the overly patriachal societies that show up in fantasy and science fiction.

The second half of the chapter, with Caramoth meeting with House Mezuu, was by far the best part of the chapter. I felt real progression and connection with the rest of the story. In contrast, the Anaiah section seemed... much less important. Good, but less necessary. It may very well be important, but I wasn't able to tell. I like Anaiah, and I like seeing these parts of her life, but I'm going to have to agree with Asmodemon that the younger years of the main characters are focused on quite heavily, and look to be taking up a very large section of the novel. Yet much of the important events seem to be happening to side-characters affiliated with the children.

Aside from that, there isn't much else i can think to say about this chapter. I loved the progression, and like Caramoth as a character. The meeting with the Apara took me by surprise quite nicely, especially after the harsh words earlier, yet when looked back on I realized it was indeed inevitable. I loved the feeling of cohesion with the other chapters I've read, and yet I still feel a sense of unease as to the length of the entire book. Yeah, that's something that'll be coming up frequently in the future

I would like to see more of this naming stuff. Several chapters, and I don't think an explanation to names and what moving them means has been truly given. Although, to be fair, I am rather sleepy, and I could just not be remembering like I should. Still, eight chapters in, I'd think an explanation of some sort with the magic would be presented. It's okay if the explanation just provides the reader with more questions.