Well, it took me longer to get to this chapter than I intended, but I’ve had little time the last few weeks. The first thing that came to mind when I read this chapter is something Recovering Cynic said about Anaiah 7, and that’s: “When do the characters start leading the story?”
The characters in your story are mostly reacting to things happening, but it’s not just the characters, it’s the chapters as well. I feel like I’m reading a lot of aftermaths and consequences, but not the action that preceded them.
At the start of the chapter we get a glimpse of Jin having taken action, because he’s being punished for trying to escape. In itself the chapter is not bad, but I don’t want to see Jin’s punishment (where he’s just reacting again), I want to see him take affirmative action, I want to see him try to escape. What I want to see is what prompted this escape attempt. Why now? How was he going to do it? How did he fail?
This is Jin’s fourth chapter and so far your beginning chapters feel slow – having a chapter where Jin actively tries to escape the Pits would offset this greatly I think. After his failure we know he’s going to be punished, so we don’t really need to see that. In fact it might be better if we don’t so we can imagine our own worst punishments. You can have chapter five begin after the punishment has happened.
That’s the big thing I noted on reading the chapter. I also found two smaller things, both of which have to do with Jalean. The first is a minor gripe and it’s about how she insults Jin during his punishment. He’s been in the Pits for six years and she’s still using the ‘your father sold you!’ taunt on him.
After all that time Jin should be hardened to it. It makes Jalean seem like a common bully and not the mistress of the pits. It also makes it seem she lacks imagination in coming up with something better. And the worse thing she does is show to everyone watching how much interest she has in Jin, because I can’t imagine her personally coming over to taunt every boy breaking the rules. Showing everyone Jin’s important to her is not what she wants I think.
The second point is the punishment itself. Jalean doesn’t want Jin to die, but if this is the case letting everyone throw rocks, sharp rocks, at him isn’t a good idea. One stone in the wrong place and Jin’s in a coma or worse. Stoning as punishment is fine if the object is to kill, but otherwise it’s just too risky.
