Twilight is NOT the worst book ever!

[Miyabi]

Seven seasons of Firefly?  I'm in.

[Recovering_Cynic]

. . . and Christopher Paolini never learned how to write.

Wait, that happened in this world.

[Shivertongue]

. . . and Christopher Paolini never learned how to write.

Wait, that happened in this world.

I meant physically. It's a tragic story when one loses hands, eyes and tongue at an early age due to a tragic ostrich-riding incident.

On another note, the ostrich is now an airline pilot.

[Patriotic Kaz]

I'm assuming he still managed to get published as he dictated terrible naratives. I mean he has to be diabolical, wanting to stupify the human race with such bad writing, it's probably so he can start a tyranical rule.

[Recovering_Cynic]

Kinda hard to dictate a narrative if you don't have a tongue.  Not impossible, but difficult.  I'm assuming he used Morse code?

[little wilson]

Firefly lasted seven seasons

Really, you had me at Stephenie Meyer (or the lack of), but this....Where do I sign up to get there? I already love this place.

Well. Actually, I need one more piece of information to confirm my love for it. How many seasons of Dollhouse are there?

[Shivertongue]

Kinda hard to dictate a narrative if you don't have a tongue.  Not impossible, but difficult.  I'm assuming he used Morse code?

All that tapping? Far as I know, everyone thought he was just begging for piano lessons...

Really, you had me at Stephenie Meyer (or the lack of), but this....Where do I sign up to get there? I already love this place.

Well. Actually, I need one more piece of information to confirm my love for it. How many seasons of Dollhouse are there?

After tonight's season finale, there was an interview with Sir Joss Whedon in which he gave hints as to what will come in the third season, and it's common knowledge that Fox is willing to give him anything he wants as long as he keeps the show on their network. I thought he might have switched during the Whedon Bidding Wars, but Fox managed to just barely come out on top.

And it's not all great books and Whedon-ness... the top-hatted samurai monkeys are a constant bother, and it's becoming more and more difficult to walk down the street without having to avoid a pirate fighting a ninja...

[little wilson]

Uh. Yeah. Definitely moving there, even with the pirate-fighting ninjas. The monkeys are almost a deal-breaker, but....the top hats just aren't enough to push them over the edge. I can deal....especially when I'm getting the better end of said deal.

[Ari54]

I thought it was universally agreed that the worst book ever was The Eye of Argon, for which the world record is reading about a paragraph before bursting out into hysterical laughter.

[Miyabi]

I've never even heard of it.

[KhyEllie]

I don't know how I ever enjoyed Twilight, but it's not the worst.
Ever read Wren to the Rescue? That was frightening.

[Ari54]

Let me see if I have the text file on my computer, Miyabi...

Okay, I'll post a snippet. Enjoy XD

     The weather beaten trail wound ahead into the dust racked
climes of the baren land which dominates large portions of the
Norgolian empire.  Age worn hoof prints smothered by the sifting
sands of time shone dully against the dust splattered crust of
earth.  The tireless sun cast its parching rays of incandescense
from overhead, half way through its daily revolution.  Small
rodents scampered about, occupying themselves in the daily
accomplishments of their dismal lives.  Dust sprayed over three
heaving mounts in blinding clouds, while they bore the burdonsome
cargoes of their struggling overseers.
     "Prepare to embrace your creators in the stygian haunts of
hell, barbarian", gasped the first soldier.
     "Only after you have kissed the fleeting stead of death,
wretch!" returned Grignr.
     A sweeping blade of flashing steel riveted from the massive
barbarians hide enameled shield as his rippling right arm thrust
forth, sending a steel shod blade to the hilt into the soldiers
vital organs.  The disemboweled mercenary crumpled from his
saddle and sank to the clouded sward, sprinkling the parched dust
with crimson droplets of escaping life fluid.
     The enthused barbarian swilveled about, his shock of fiery
red hair tossing robustly in the humid air currents as he faced
the attack of the defeated soldier's fellow in arms.
     "Damn you, barbarian" Shrieked the soldier as he observed
his comrade in death.
     A gleaming scimitar smote a heavy blow against the
renegade's spiked helmet, bringing a heavy cloud over the
Ecordian's misting brain.  Shaking off the effects of the
pounding blow to his head, Grignr brought down his scarlet
streaked edge against the soldier's crudely forged hauberk,
clanging harmlessly to the left side of his opponent.  The
soldier's stead whinnied as he directed the horse back from the
driving blade of the barbarian.  Grignr leashed his mount forward
as the hoarsely piercing battle cry of his wilderness bred race
resounded from his grinding lungs.  A twirling blade bounced
harmlessly from the mighty thief's buckler as his rolling right
arm cleft upward, sending a foot of blinding steel ripping
through the Simarian's exposed gullet.  A gasping gurgle from the
soldier's writhing mouth as he tumbled to the golden sand at his
feet, and wormed agonizingly in his death bed.

...

[ErikHolmes]

That's pure awesome. I want to read that book. It's almost as good as Axe Cop:

http://axecop.com/

[KhyEllie]

Whoever wrote that one was trying way too hard with their words. I must agree that that certainly isn't one of the best pieces of writing I've seen in a while.

[Shivertongue]

It can be found online, in its entirety. It's not an actual book, more of a short story, published in a fanzine by a sixteen-year-old scifi fan in the early seventies. It made it's rounds, eventually ending up in the hands of an actual author, who spread it around even further to great incredulity. The version online is actually incomplete, apparently, because much of the charm is lost without the illustrations that accompanied the original.

It's considered "one of the genre's most beloved pieces of appalling prose". The story has been used at scifi conventions as a party game, the challenge being to read the whole thing, aloud, with a straight face, without choking up or laughing. The grandmaster challenge is to do the same, but after inhaling helium.