Author Topic: November 16 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God. Anaiah 1:4  (Read 1361 times)

lethalfalcon

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November 16 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God. Anaiah 1:4
« on: November 17, 2009, 07:22:11 AM »
Guess I'll start this one off.

First, I like this chapter a lot better than the one with Jin. There's a lot more going on (and I'm a sucker for action). Also, I get a better feel for Anaiah as a character.

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Covered in the shroud of darkness, the Red Beast was a massive swirling God like the Three, or Skyfire gods as they called them here. Rings encircled the Red Beast, and smaller spheres circled the Beast. According to stories, those spheres were where the Darken lived.

I'm a little confused by the Red Beast. Is it a celestial occurrence, a heavenly body, a natural weather phenomenon...? I doubt that Anaiah understands what it is, but the description isn't enough to let me understand, either. Also, the sentence itself confuses me: "massive swirling God like the Three". Huh? What's the Three? Are they the Skyfire gods that you're referring to? What's the massive swirling God, then? I think this needs a bit of rewording and more description.

Reading a little more, it seems like the Three are also the same type of thing as the Beast, but since the Three have never been mentioned before, comparing it to them is confusing.

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Torches went up first, then lamps. Anaiah gathered the displays and removed the pieces from their ropes.

The torches and lamps seem to be an indicator that it's time to pack up, but no specific mention is given of that. Something like "Anailah decided that it was time to pack up and set about the task." (I'm sure you can do much better; I'm just giving an example). Right now, I see "Oh, lights. Oh, packing." I understand after reading the rest of your chapter that the Darken are (usually) afraid of lights, and that Anaiah obviously doesn't want to be out if they're prowling around, but it's not immediately apparent.

You mention when she's done that the light had almost vanished, but with the torches and lights, wouldn't there be quite a bit still? Or did all the torch-wielding people leave as well? Or are you referring specifically to the light from the sky?

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With the spear she removed a pair of thick, leather wrappings with cuffs for her hands.

How do you remove something with a spear? Did she have to cut bindings? This confused me a little.

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“What?” Anaiah stopped to turn around. Her father, pushing the sack behind her, hit her from behind. She stumbled forward.

With a whole stretcher of equipment between them, hoisted by poles, I doubt her father could have run into her. Perhaps you meant that he pushed the stretcher into her? Although, if she turned around, she would have had to drop the poles to do so, which would have grounded them in the sand as he kept moving. Probably would have hurt him a lot more than her.

Why are they heading toward the particular House that they are? Does he know someone in that House, or do they just take shelter in whatever one that's closest? This probably needs a little fleshing out.

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Stones rained down from the ramparts around the massive stone building, flying overhead and landing with heavy thuds against against the sands. Flaming arrows followed. Arrows? How much wealth can these Houses have?

How large are these stones? Are we talking boulder-sized, as the thuds indicate? If so, why are these houses so prepared for something that has never happened before? Or do they throw boulders at the other houses for fun and profit?

Quote
There it was, a darken.

In the two paragraphs previous to this, you refer to the darken being moved back by the burning arrows. Since this is written from Anaiah's restricted point of view, she has to have seen them in order for the narration to describe them moving back. Or is this her second darken that she's seeing near the House (indicating that "a" needs to be "another", or something). In the next paragraph, she asks herself if there are three, or more. She's seen either one or two, depending on the above, so why does she ask if there are three or more?

Most of these things are really nit-picky, but if I'm reading fast and they catch my eye, I feel obligated to report them, because they break the flow. You have a really good chapter here, with lots of fun stuff happening. Keep it up!
I don't have good days. I have great days, where I'm a magician ridding the world of all evil, or at least everything I don't like. And then I wake up, and it's back to work for me.

Recovering_Cynic

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Re: November 16 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God. Anaiah 1:4
« Reply #1 on: November 17, 2009, 04:55:14 PM »
I will go ahead and second what Lethal has said already, but there were a few other things.  First, like Lethal pointed out, this chapter has some action to it which is nice, but the chapter gets bogged down in the middle.  For me, the trade sign language got to be a bit much.  You went through a blow by blow description of the negotiation which really wasn't necessary.  My eyes were glazed over by the end.  In fact, the whole market stall scene can be trimmed and tightened.  It is excellent world building, but your reader only needs an idea of what is going on; most fantasy readers aren't picking up the book to read about haggling via sign language.

Also, when your MC finally finds her dad as she's carrying the stretcher, I had to read it twice to figure out that they hadn't abandoned the goods.  I think it had to do with you saying that they were running.  We need to have a better sense of them carrying stuff, struggling to move the equipment.  It would build tension, especially with the monsters behind them.  As it is, I was confused as to whether they were running for their lives, or whether they were trying to carry this massive pack of goods quickly (because it's very hard to run when you're carrying that much stuff).

One last thing, I had a hard time seeing your monsters.  I got a vague impression of something similar to a salamander with skeletons trying to escape its mouth, but that was my imagination doing all the leg work.  Your reader needs something to work with.  Call it reptillian, or sleek, or something that resonates with a real world creature.  All we really got was a description of a huge something with grey skin, long arms and legs, and a tail.  Does it have eyes?  A mouth?  How does it move?  Don't give it all away, but we need more so we have a hint of what makes this creature so menacing.

Anyway, hope I helped.
this is the way the world ends,
not with a bang, but a whimper
~T.S. Eliot

RavenstarRHJF

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Re: November 16 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God. Anaiah 1:4
« Reply #2 on: November 21, 2009, 03:24:45 AM »
LTU, I can't open the submission.  It's .docx.  Can you send it to me as a plain .doc please?
A crown does not a King make, nor the lack of one a commoner.

LongTimeUnderdog

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Re: November 16 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God. Anaiah 1:4
« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2009, 03:10:38 PM »
Sent it out.

vegetathalas

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Re: November 16 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God. Anaiah 1:4
« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2009, 11:46:16 AM »
Hey, Underdog, sorry it took me so long to do edits. This time, I'm remembering that this isn't the first chapter, so I won't say anything about confusing terminology. I like all the stuff in the email summary--it all sounds very interesting and I'm looking forward to reading that. I think you'll have to have some awesome climax to beat the interest of the background, otherwise I'm like, hey, why not tell that story?

Anyway...

There's a lot of infodumping about the smith and his daughter that I'm surprised you didn't do before if this isn't your first chapter. It's hard to evaluate that sort of thing without more context.

I love the description of the nameless man-slaves. I think the trade-language is pretty cool too, although maybe there's a little too much detail in the signs. It would be too much in the beginning, but if we're in the middle of the book, it might be okay. It's hard to evaluate without more context. (Gees, I'm a broken record)

I wonder what the stakes in the first half of this chapter are. There's implicit class conflict, but since you've already said Caram is untouchable, I'm not really feeling the tension. And yes, Anaiah screws up, but it's probably not going to get her kicked out of the tribe. Later, there's more obvious tension, so maybe you should start there. Or at least get to it a little quicker.

I like the name "teeth" and they sound like an interesting weapon. However, I'm not sure I'm picturing it correctly from your description. I'm thinking kind of like a square wooden buckler attached to the wrist with its edges outlined in teeth. Or maybe it's a gauntlet with perpendicular spikes, like Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Why doesn't Caram speak the trader language? It seems like it'd be a necessity in his line of work. I didn't realize Anaiah was new to this because she acts so confidently, but I guess she is, otherwise she would have been smart enough to consult with her father about pricing. It seems like a bit of a character contradiction that you probably explain earlier in the book.

Yeah, I'm not sure what the Red Beast is, either...I'll go with odd cloud formation that blots out the three suns of the god, but it's not too clear. If it's important, I want to know Anaiah's reaction to it--wonder? Fear? Awe?--she kind of notices it and then goes back to work. The prey metaphor is pretty intense given the Red Beast's slow travel speed. You might have explained the Red Beast in an earlier chapter. In which case...ignore me.

Definitely too much detail in the rolling up of the tent. Seems like you could cut out two paragraphs with "she wrapped the disassembled display racks and the rest of her father's goods in the hide canvas tent and sat down to wait." Trader sign language, interesting to me. Packing stuff away, not so much. Ditto with the putting on armor.

I'm confused...is she just leaving her crippled father behind without trying to figure out where he's gone? Seems kind of heartless.

"Then what are they?" "Darken". -hehe. Good humor moment. Didn't so much like the later father/daughter banter, although I didn't hate it either. It felt a little out of place given the near death experience.

I want to know what the House looks like...unless you explained that in an earlier chapter. She didn't want to look at it is a bit of a cop-out, especially since she's thinking of the wood.

I like the Darken's description, although I'd like more...unless you've described them already too. Right now, I'm thinking sand lizards. Big sand lizards.

Is it the fire or the arrows that scare the Darken back? Or both? From later, I'm guessing its the light of the fire, but I'd like that made clear.

Too many dialogue tags/attribution details mixed in with your quotes.

Wouldn't she know when the three rule? Why would she need to be told?

Whoa, Anaiah's decision to hunt the Darken seems awfully quickly made. And very stupid. I'd rather seeing her hunting the Darken for some point rather than to satisfy her own boneheaded honor. I need some explanation for her actions, maybe more internal thoughts and seething about no one telling her what she can and can't do. I don't know what her incentive is so I'm making one up. Otherwise, a good chapter end.

---

Despite you not saying this is a beginning chapter, it feels like a beginning chapter. I worry that your real beginning chapters might be focusing too much on the world building and not enough on the plot. But without seeing them, I can't say that for sure. I'm just worried because you obviously have so much of a world history and so many details that they're going to push the plot aside. For now, the balance is good, but you're teetering on the edge for me as a reader.

Anyway, I'm interested to see how this all develops. I look forward to reading more. Edits are in your inbox.
« Last Edit: December 07, 2009, 11:53:21 AM by vegetathalas »

Silk

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Re: November 16 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God. Anaiah 1:4
« Reply #5 on: December 21, 2009, 09:41:09 PM »
About the time the Red Beast showed up, I got really confused. At first I thought that it was a literal beast, then I realized that it was a celestial body of some sort (if it's a planet, wouldn't its rings and moons be too difficult to see with the naked eye?) and I kept reading and got confused again.

I had a really hard time visualizing what was actually going on, and had to read for a bit before I figured out that this was an attack. Aside from the obvious physical danger, I have no idea what the stakes are. I know that you're not writing these chapters in order, but since this is apparently a fairly major event, I really hope you mention the Red Beast and the Darken and all the other references you've been throwing out before this. Otherwise it comes out of nowhere and leaves us struggling to find out what the significance is. I don't really understand the significance of the Apara that Caramoth was tracking either.

The conversation between Caramoth and Anaiah just after the Darken were vanquished was amusing, but I think it might have run a little long.

I liked this chapter overall; I got a good sense of character, both Anaiah and Caramoth. The one thing that wasn't clear to me in terms of character motivations was the very end of the chapter, where Anaiah says that she's going to hunt the Draken. I know that she's not thrilled about being frightened of them, but to decide to go haring off hunting them seems like, well, a bit of a stretch. This could just be because we know little of the Draken and really, little of Anaiah, since you've already said that this is not her first chapter.

I wondered why Caramoth didn't know a common trader language also, then thought that perhaps the sign language was the common language. Which would be a bit odd, but I'd still buy it.

I also wondered why she left Caramoth behind without wondering where he'd gone, but until Vegas mentioned it I'd kinda put it down to me missing something.

Anyway. I was pretty seriously confused for a while there, but I did enjoy the chapter. Hope this critique helps. :)