Oct 27 - Erik Holmes - The Sword of Worlds, Chapter 16 - Ellie

[ErikHolmes]

I'm still alive!

New addition to the family kept me pretty busy for a few weeks but I should start cranking them out again.

While I had a break I had time to think about a few things for my book. The biggest hole in the book I was seeing was the whole Kail getting shot and Ellie running off to get him help thing. I gave this some thought and finally came to the conclusion that the best way to solve the problem was just to have Kail and Ellie separated as soon as they travel to the new world.

So chapter seven will be rewritten with Kail and Ellie somehow getting separated, leaving Ellie to believe that Kail has traveled to or was taken by someone to the village she can see in the distance.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy and as always thanks for the help!

[ryos]

Ok, that? That, I did not expect. So it's to be the "honored guest prisoner" schtick, then. Beware, for this is a trail much trodden.

Specific language critiques:

The sheath hit him in the chest with a grunt.

Now you've got me wondering when Ellie will discover that her poison fang knife's sheath grunts. Will it become her mystical companion, her Jimminy Cricket?

Ask me your finally question. Twilight approached.

This sounds like a machine translation from Japanese to English. Consider the revise.

General language critiques:
Many sentences, most of them dialog, read awkwardly. I'm not sure how much of this can be pinned on one specific thing, but a lack of commas and semicolons is surely a huge contributor. Watch out for that.

Story critiques
I hope Ellie doesn't decide to trust Morrigan. The closing scene, with her crying on Morrigan's shoulder, makes me think she might. Surely she won't be so addled that she'll just ignore all the awful things these people are doing just because their leader is being nice to her...right?

Other than that, there's not much to harp on here, nor much to praise. It's a necessary bridge sequence that doesn't really evoke much reaction, either positive or negative. In other words, I liked it, but I'm not raving about it, and that's okay.

[ErikHolmes]

Ask me your finally question. Twilight approached.

This sounds like a machine translation from Japanese to English. Consider the revise.

LOL, that was just a typo. It should read: "Ask me your final question. Twilight approaches." I see your point about the grunting knife as well.

General language critiques:
Many sentences, most of them dialog, read awkwardly. I'm not sure how much of this can be pinned on one specific thing, but a lack of commas and semicolons is surely a huge contributor. Watch out for that.

This chapter gave me more trouble then any chapter so far. I think because I was worrying about the dialog with Morrigan too much. I finally just said to hell with it and just put things down on paper so I could at least get a first draft done. I'll be working on the dialog a lot in the next draft.

Story critiques
I hope Ellie doesn't decide to trust Morrigan. The closing scene, with her crying on Morrigan's shoulder, makes me think she might. Surely she won't be so addled that she'll just ignore all the awful things these people are doing just because their leader is being nice to her...right?

  THAT, would be telling . . .

[Frog]

I'm sending my "thoughts while reading" comments to you. Other than that, not a lot to add. The chapter worked alright. I was a little disappointed that we didn't get more from Morrigan, but Ellie's questions seemed in character so not a huge concern at this point. Out of curiosity, how far in your outline are we? Still feels early, but than it is chapter 16....

Anyway, keep at it. Glad to see we didn't scare you off for good.

[Recovering_Cynic]

I'll be getting to it!  I promise!  I've been a bit busy myself this past month, so I've missed a few submissions dates.  I'll be fixing that . . . 

[Recovering_Cynic]

I'm going to have to ditto much of what has already been said.  It's a good bridge scene for sure.  There is one thing that bothers me about the story up to this point.  You haven't really explained how the rings work or the power in them.  Up to now they seem to be these infinitely powerful and unexhaustable magic super artifacts.  Do they have a penalty? 

Other than that, the relationship between Mordred and Morrigan brings up all kinds of questions.  Was it all acting, the hostility between the two?  That's the only explanation I can think of, because otherwise, why would such a powerful woman suffer such an idiot or aid him?  I guess the relationship (as it stands) is a little confusing.  There needs to be some explanation to the dynamic, but it does not have to show in this chapter.

Well done.  Please, write on.

[ErikHolmes]

I'm going to have to ditto much of what has already been said.  It's a good bridge scene for sure.  There is one thing that bothers me about the story up to this point.  You haven't really explained how the rings work or the power in them.  Up to now they seem to be these infinitely powerful and unexhaustable magic super artifacts.  Do they have a penalty? 

For now the rings are just pure awesome. LOL, I think that once everyone sees what Ellie and Kail are up against, no one will think they are overpowered.

In geeky D&D terms they are rings of +5 Strength, +5 Armor, etc. Okay, maybe more like +10 or 20.

Other than that, the relationship between Mordred and Morrigan brings up all kinds of questions.  Was it all acting, the hostility between the two?  That's the only explanation I can think of, because otherwise, why would such a powerful woman suffer such an idiot or aid him?  I guess the relationship (as it stands) is a little confusing.  There needs to be some explanation to the dynamic, but it does not have to show in this chapter.

I was worried that if anything, their relationship was too cliche. Morrigan is Mordreds mother and they just tend to fight a lot. The army is actually Mordreds, but when Morrigan says to do something, no one dares ignore her.

So yes, Morrigan often sees Mordred as idiotic and arrogant, but she's still his mother and does care for him a great deal. (In a soulless, cold blooded killer sort of way).

[Chaos]

Hmmm, Kail's important? Truly, I never could have seen this coming Of course, the real question is why, and how.

I thought the Mordred-Morrigan dialogue worked fair. Ellie's little quips like "Mordred? You have got to be kidding me." made the chapter enjoyable. It moved quickly, which may or may not be a good thing (see below!)

Main thing I had a problem with was why Ellie wanted to save that man. It wasn't entirely clear to me, other than Ellie just not wanting to kill anyone, I suppose.

For a larger issue, I don't seem grounded in this world at all. This could be a symptom of me not reading this story for a while, but where are they? Last I remember they were in a town, and now they are in somewhere... else? How large is Morrigan and Mordred's dominion? I don't know. It just felt like Morrigan wasn't immediately important, besides being important in a familial way, when she's actually the Queen. The scene moved so fast I didn't get a reaction from Ellie to the setting itself, like reverence or something from being in front of Morrigan. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Other questions: How does Morrigan know about other worlds? Right now I can buy that she's really powerful, but you better explain how a person from one world can know so much of another. Also, if Morrigan is Fae, and Mordred's father is implied to be not-Fae, wouldn't that make Mordred half-Fae?

EDIT: One line-level thing I forgot. You really like using "then" to start sentences. In small doses it's fair game, but it's kind of getting repetitive.

[ErikHolmes]

Hmmm, Kail's important? Truly, I never could have seen this coming Of course, the real question is why, and how.

I thought the Mordred-Morrigan dialogue worked fair. Ellie's little quips like "Mordred? You have got to be kidding me." made the chapter enjoyable. It moved quickly, which may or may not be a good thing (see below!)

Main thing I had a problem with was why Ellie wanted to save that man. It wasn't entirely clear to me, other than Ellie just not wanting to kill anyone, I suppose.

Ellie mainly wanted to save him just because she's a nice person. He was about to be murdered just because he'd mistreated her for 5 minutes.

For a larger issue, I don't seem grounded in this world at all. This could be a symptom of me not reading this story for a while, but where are they? Last I remember they were in a town, and now they are in somewhere... else? How large is Morrigan and Mordred's dominion? I don't know. It just felt like Morrigan wasn't immediately important, besides being important in a familial way, when she's actually the Queen. The scene moved so fast I didn't get a reaction from Ellie to the setting itself, like reverence or something from being in front of Morrigan. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Ok, I might need to slow down the scene in the next draft a bit. I sort of did want it to move fast though, so the reader could feel as swept up as Ellie did.

As for Morrigan's dominion:

“In your world gold and silver are the wages of man, but here, knowledge is the true wealth. I have no castle or palace, no mountain of coin, but I am called Queen. For few mortal or immortal is as wealthy as I.”

This was my way (or Morrigans) of trying to say that she being Queen is more of a title really. If you are the king of the world and Morrigan walks into your throne room unannounced in rags, you'd still better call her Queen because you seriously don't want to piss her off.

[Silk]

Ellie seems a little inconsistent to me. She refuses to give them the sword, fine. She caves the first time they threaten Bloodbath, fine. She thinks that she can't be that argumentative or they'll just decide to kill Bloodbath after all, fine. Only a couple of lines after this, she gets all smirky at him over not taking the knife and then hits him with it. Why does she think that this is less likely to put their hackles up than anything else she's already tried or thought of trying?

Same thing again a few minutes later when she starts to resist them as they drag her away.

I've already voiced my concerns about the pacing of overall story (I have, haven't I?) and I'm not getting any less concerned that the story overall is moving too slowly, but again--this chapter (or any of the chapters) individually doesn't seem boring or slow. But I still don't have too great a sense of what the main plot is, what it is Kail and Ellie are up against, so on. Especially for a YA piece and the length constraints that go along with that, I think you may have a problem. But in Morrigan, someone who actually (apparently) has access to information, you may have a good springboard to get things rolling.

In other words, I liked it, but I'm not raving about it, and that's okay.

That about sums it up.