Oct. 19 - Concord - Ch. 14+15

[Flo_the_G]

Following the last few critiques I received, I went back to the drawing board, refurbished my outline, and ended up cutting the Spencer character completely. He'll still make a few appearances, especially later on, but he won't be a main POV-character anymore.  Which is, incidentally, why cahpter 13 is missing. That was told from Spencer's POV and drove home the point you folks made while I wrote it, namely that Spencer sounds far too much like von Bredow.

I also tried my hand at lengthening the chapters, as advised.

So, uh, please find all the other flaws I've cunningly hidden in my latest submission.

[Bravesamwise84]

I haven't read any of the previous chapters, so I kind of had to put things together through context. Even so, while being initially confused, this read easily and your prose was quite transparent. Since I don't know enough to give any "big picture" feedback, I can only point out tiny flaws. Nothing about these chapters threw me out of the story in any way, so huzzah! =D

She sensed it, too, she realised.

Just a tad awkward to read.

This time, she was apparently invited.

Actually this was really good, and probably would have made me chuckle slightly if I knew all the story behind it. =D

The were also the source of her abilities, but she needn't tell him that.

By this time it feels like we'd heard "She didn't tell him that" quite a bit.

I also thought I'd point out that the scene where she whites out is particularly well-written.

Gah, there were a couple other sentences that were awkward to read but I can't find them and I have to get ready for work. Anyways, recap; No big picture flaws, Nothing that shoved me out of the story, only sentence-level errors that I'm sure you can handle. Though I may be missing the big picture, these chapters were sufficiently active enough to keep me reading, which is one of the biggest things I look for.

[Flo_the_G]

Gah, there were a couple other sentences that were awkward to read

Ha, you should have read those before my rudimentary edits.

As to not getting the big picture, I guess it won't kill me to expand the summary for the email slightly.

Repetitiveness is what I usually seem to miss, so thanks for pointing that out. I'll add that to the ever growing file containing things I need to fix.

[RavenstarRHJF]

Ooo, yet more intrigue!

It's interesting that Von Bredow seems to be the only one who can shield her out.  Natural shielding, perhaps unconscious?  It's the only thing I can think of...

Anyway, not much to call you on here, just a few things:

She couldn't help but be drenched, and a part of her was disgusted – revulsed, even – that he felt this way.

Should be "repulsed" instead.  GREAT imagery, though!

Well, he would have been the first to treat her like a normal person.

I'm not sure what you mean here.  Is he the first person to treat her normally, or is she disappointed that she feels reluctance from him as well?

She couldn't even see her own arms moving, only a starch field of white.

'Stark,' not starch.  Also, Von Bredow doesn't mention or imply that she was flailing around as he carried her to sick bay, so was she imagining her arms moving, or did he simply not tell the doctor everything?

I'm still wondering why they aren't analyzing the pills themselves.  They have the technology to jump vast distance in the blink of an eye, but they can't make the necessary equipment small enough to test medicines in sick bay?  A basic analysis of what's in them should offer at least some insight into what they do.

[Flo_the_G]

It's interesting that Von Bredow seems to be the only one who can shield her out.

I'll make a note to dwell some more on this in the next draft, to clarify that a bit.

Should be "repulsed" instead.

I thought so, too, but "revulsed" was the word that first came to mind when typing, so I thought I'd stick with it. "Repulsed" does seem to imply some kind of an actively repulsing agent, which isn't entirely what I was aiming for.

I'm not sure what you mean here.

The latter, she feels reluctance from him, too.

As to the flailing, that shall be fixed in post as well.

The same goes for the pills. I pretty much forgot about them while outlining, so nobody will be doing any analysing in this draft. But they will in the next, even if it only turns out to add a scene or two. I'm also trying to avoid having to research too much at the moment, to be honest. I did make a large note to myself to "DO. THE. MATH.", but to no avail.

[RavenstarRHJF]

Should be "repulsed" instead.

I thought so, too, but "revulsed" was the word that first came to mind when typing, so I thought I'd stick with it. "Repulsed" does seem to imply some kind of an actively repulsing agent, which isn't entirely what I was aiming for.

In that case, use 'revulsion' instead.  While 'revulsed' is technically correct, a lot of people are going to think, especially in the first drafts, and possibly when you send it off to publishers, that it's a typo.

[Silk]

You've presented Juno's thoughts, as she's being escorted away by the Marines for interrogation, very nicely here; the revelation that the Marines are actually afraid of her, and just how ludicrous that seems.

Okay, just to be clear: The captain Juno is talking to IS von Bredow, yes? I assume so, but I'm not entirely certain. Though maybe this is only a result of the fragmented way in which I'm reading the piece.

I really like the way you're presenting Juno's abilities here; the way she has trouble distinguishing between her own emotions and von Bredow's (and it's good that you keep stuff like that subtle) is effective, but I like the pervasiveness of it as well. When she first leaves her cell she feels like she's practically bathing in the fear of all the Marines. I could see that really driving a person nuts. I hope you take advantage of it at some point.

For the record: I also want to punch Morris in the face.

Instead of asking for him to be transferred, can't von Bredow just recommend that he be scrapped?

I'm impressed by the development von Bredow is making here. If memory serves, he was pretty unsympathetic at first, so it's nice to see this other side of him. This, of course, doesn't mean that I think his unsympatheticness should go away.

Yes, I know that's not a word. I don't care.

[Flo_the_G]

For the record: I also want to punch Morris in the face.

Never fear, Morris has far worse things to worry about than people punching him. Although come to think of it, I might just have to add someone actually punching him in the second draft.

As to the confusion: yes, that's von Bredow. And the confusion itself probably stems from the fragmented way in which I wrote those chapters. My grand re-design will hopefully take care of that.

Yes, I know that's not a word. I don't care.

It is now. I prefer "unsympatheticity", though.

[ryos]

Juno continues to get more interesting. I liked this section quite a bit. I had two quibbles, both related to von Bredew.

First, he seems to shift character here. I never would have pegged him as the compassionate type. That's not to say it's out of character for—wait, no, yes, it is. I think that, rather than changing this section, you should revise prior ones so he doesn't come off as such an impersonal, rigid, callous jerk.

Second, can he really stay a bit longer? He is the captain, you know. He really does have more important things to do.

My critiques are getting shorter the further I progress in my Concord catch-up session. Sorry about that. I'll try to be more useful in the future.