42's Therapy Thread

[42]

$10 a paragraph is cheap. My psychiatrist charges $65 every 10 minutes.

So I have much to respond to. I hope to address everything later.

[Lieutenant Kije]

I use self- talk to good effect also.  For example, when someone compliments me I often am uncomfortable accepting it, but I think about when I compliment others and what my motivations are, and it's then easy for me to ascribe the same motivations to others, and I feel good about it all.

I think the root problem is the whole "damaged goods" issue.  

[42]

Yes the damaged goods issue is more of the root of the issue. I am fully aware that I hate myself. Self-loathing is kind of a universal aspect of depression, unless you are one of those rare individuals who has depression and likes yourself too much. Those kind of people tend to become serial killers. Again though, for the 11% of the US that suffers from severe depression it is usually from self-loathing.

So Stacer and SE have a good point about cognitive therapy. It does work. Course I had a very good therapist point out to me while I was hospitalized that I've become addicted to my self-loathing thinking.

Now addiction is interesting, because before you have the addiction you have a choice about it. But once you become addicted then your right to choose is lost. For example, people with eating disorders almost never develope anerexia or bulimia because they think they are fat. So telling an anarexic that they aren't fat and they just need to choose to eat more is really useless. Usually the issue with eating disorders is having control. Anerexics who start to have control in other aspects of there life generally loosen the amount of control they place on their eating. Course, I'm always amazed about how much self-control people with eating disorders have. They are definitely strong people. In this case, it's insane and harmful, but impressive in a creepy kind of way.

So after the discussion on addiction, I kind of realized that I'm addicted to hating myself. I think it gives me a measure of control. I'm also addicted to cutting, which is why Sprig and Prometheus keep all the knives and other sharp implements locked up in our apartment. So does this addiction thing make sense?

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

when my therapist talked to me about addiction he also talked about acceptance. You have to start off by accepting that you're going to fall into it at least occassionally, or else the guilt consumes you, and feeling guilty is not a helpful way to break out of damaging behavior. Of course, if you're addicted to self loathing, feeling guilty only fuels it that much more. You're essentially addicted to not being able to not breaking out of addiction. That's kind of crappy (to use a technical term). But even being caught in addiction where you have little control doesn't make you damaged.

Also keep in mind that ultimately you do have control over your destiny. Addiction does not remove 100% of your agency even regarding the addiction. The problem is balancing this idea with the acceptance that because no one is perfectly in control, and you have strong urges toward that addiction, you ARE going to fail to resist it in every case.

Do you have any idea of what begins your addiction cycles? I know that's a difficult question, and having been in therapy, you may have even explored it extensively. I for one am not positive about what inspires my own cycles. But knowing that can be a big start.

[Mad Dr Jeffe]

Bang zing! thats the same thing my couples counselor said about addiction!
Im sure stress is a factor, and maybe Christmas or holidays. Do you keep a journal? When do you most often feel your self loathing?

[fuzzyoctopus]

First of all, I hate catching up on message boards after a vacation.

Second of all, I'm actually very well-balanced as humans go.  Most of the mental trouble I have are just part of being female.  So can I use this thread to try and  figure out my husband's emotional problems?

[JP Dogberry]

How very interesting, considering your sig quote 42, as I will soon reveal.

I really don't know if I actually have any psychological problems. Sometimes I think I do, sometimes I just think I'm paranoid. (Isn't that a psychological problem in itself?) I've never seen a professioanl type person, so don't ask me about that.

What I do know is that about four years ago, i was 14 years old and in year eight, and it was the worst time in my life.  At this time, I was at a school where I believed that everyone in the place actively hated me and would prefer me dead. I did ahve friedns of a sort, but that didn't stop Wednesday from becoming (in their terms) "Beat-up-Jason day".  What I do know is what it's like to be feel completely broken down and powerless, to need to vent anger in some way, and to end up writing a hit list in clas (Completely meaningless, of course. Even if I was strong enough I couldn't even punch someone with any force for fear I might hurt them.) I know what it is like to then be taken away to the year coordinator and laughed at.

So I had a pretty bad year, I figure beign on a gaming site, we're all nerds who had a crappy high school experience. My next school was much better, and I spent the next few years putting myself back together. What I mean by this, is that at my new school I discovered peoplewho were not in my close group of friends, yet didn't hate me. In fact, it was the opposite, people who actively liked me, and would prefer me to exist. I had trouble understanding this concept.

So do I have psychologicol problems?  Myabe, maybe not, but I do know the feeling of being "Damaged goods".  Your sig quote is something I repeat to myself frequently, seeing as I tend to lapse into "I hate the world" moods, and in reality, that itself is the only weakness.

So to summerise, I think what I'm trying to say is that if I am at all representative of those I consider my people, then there is an army of nerds ready to support you.

[42]

So I've been meaning to get to this thread again. I got caught up in withdrawal symptoms after I forgot to refill one of my meds before the weekend. Consequently, the glare from my computer moniter was making me naseous and giving me one monstrous headache. But my serotonin levels are starting to balance out some so I have returned to my computer.

As to where my self-loathing originated, well that's complicated. I have wonderful, very caring family. My parents and siblings are very giving individuals. Hence my family promotes helping others a lot more than helping one's self. I think that kind of gets twisted into helping others and negecting one's own needs.

Also, I come from a large family (so I'm told) and I have an identical twin as many of you know. This kind of leads to having some serious identity issues. My therapist have pointed out that I kind of have a small mimic personality. That is I tend to mimic the personality of what I feel is expected by the group or individual I'm with at the time. For example, i can be very snobbish and elitist when I'm with a group of artist. Course, then I'm veryu caring, concerned and responsible at Church. I get negative and depressed when I'm with a bunch of negative, depressed people.

I guess everyone does this to some extent, I just don't have much on my own. I met a bi-polar person in the hospital who was a much more exteme example of this mimc personality. His personality changed with whomever he was talking to at the moment. It was very interesting to watch as he would adopt the personality of whoever he was interacting with at the time, including mannerisms and voice inflection. He would make a great actor if he wasn't so screwed-up.

However, I'm trying to pool together common threads from how I act with different people and groups to figure out what is me. My biggest progress so far has been not to use the royal "we" when conversing with people.

[Mad Dr Jeffe]

Since I dont know you I dont know if that last bit was an attempt at humor, or the gods honest truth. I dont think I've ever met anyone who used the Royal we and not been joking
I think everyone adjusts their personality to fit the group they are in.

[Mistress of Darkness]

Jeff, I kind of know what you mean. My dad said I am a middle floater. I tend to do the average of what people around me are doing. This is the reason he worked with the school officers to make sure that I got into honors classes even though I didn't have stellar performance in the other classes, because he knew I'd do better around more studious students.

Sometimes it is hard to tell who I really am and differentiate that from when I am "playing a part". What helps me is to get an idea of what I really enjoy. I have to differentiate that from "fixes" from when I submit to my controlling behavior. I can tell if I really enjoy it by how long I can keep doing it. If it's like crochet or watching movies I can do it for a very long time before I get tired of it. Even then it doesn't take very long before I'm ready to start another blanket or watch another movie. Then I try to expand that. I learned a little about critising movies in college and I try to apply that when I watch them. That way I can appreciate good movies for more reasons than "it was cool". I try to learn new crochet patterns, etc. This is in contrast to when I've found someone who will let me boss them around, or a group I can lead. Eventually I feel guilty for being so controlling, and I'm not really all that great at leading.

Maybe you've thought of this, and maybe it will help. My mom told me something that's always helped my self-image. Look at another person and try to find good things about them rather than bad. This gets you into the habit of looking for the good and helps you to see the good in yourself. I also found that I was less apt to assume that the people around me were thinking bad things about me--because I was no longer thinking bad things about them.

[Mistress of Darkness]

Oh, one other thing, and maybe you've already tried this as well. Apparently BYU has Counselling Services available. My roommate started seeing them after she started to have thoughts of suicide. They really helped her.

[42]

Thanks for your remarks. They are helpful.

Yes I know about BYU counseling services. I've been working with them for the past year and a half. There are about seven or eight couselors that I worked with regularly. Unfortunately, I'm not taking any courses at the moment so I can't use their services, though I do keep in touch with a few of them. I highly recommend BYU students taking advantage of the Counseling center. It's free for BYU students and the going rate for for most therapist is around a $100 per hour.

And therapy is a hundred times better than medication, though it is also a hundred times more painful overall. Therapist don't just tell you how nice or wonderful you are. More often than not that push you to deal with your problems and fear. When I first started attending therapy it would take me a week or so to recover from an hour session. And that was individual therapy which is not as difficult as group therapy for most people. But, nothing worth having comes that easily.

On a side note, I setting a goal to reduce my medication to normal dosages sometime this summer. I'm tired of, and broke from taking double, triple, and quadruple dosages.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

yeah, there's some really good counselors there too. I thought that group therapy was going to kill me before I did it. Now I'm not sure why I even though individual would do me any good. Group was very cool and helpful.

[42]

There all a lot of good counselors, but there are a couple I don't get along with. That was something that was good for me to recognize that not all clinical counselors are right for me, though I'm sure they are great for some other people.

So next topic. Why do I find sleep to be so difficult. I haven't had non-drug indused sleep in over a year and a half. Every night going to sleep has become a major battle for me. I hate it. I think I tend to feel guilty about sleeping. As though taking time to sleep was a bad thing. Has anyone else ever felt this way?

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

I have trouble sleeping too. Not nearly that much trouble
But I'm ALWAYS tired no matter what pattern of sleep I try to establish and what I eat. And it usually takes hours to fall asleep. It may have some unconscious thinking about how much else you could get done, but I dont' sense it myself. I just want to sleep
of course, once I AM asleep, I can easily stay there.